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"I miss my grandad and sometimes wonder how I will continue without him"

Hi Ayal,

My grandfather died in June and since then I have been, in one way or another, unwell. I developed a bad ear infection (I think because I was hearing stuff about my family that I do not want to hear anymore) and because I travelled by aeroplane (I was in Italy at the time my grandad went into hospital so travelled back to London to see him, went back to Italy to finish the Italian course I was doing but when I arrived back in Florence I phoned to let my family know I had arrived back safely and was told to travel back to London at once); you are not supposed to fly when you have an ear infection but I did not think about it at the time. The ear infection resulted in me having an epileptic type fit (limbs shaking, frothing at the mouth etc) so was taken to hospital.

Since my grandad died I have been totally exhausted and I attributed it to emotion and thought it would pass with time. However, this has not been the case and over the past weeks have developed some strange aches and pains; the ones in my arms, hands and shoulders I thought was to do with the fact my job involves my working at a computer, the pains in my feet I attributed to an old condition I last suffered with eight years ago and the stiffness in my knees I attributed to cycling everyday but I have not done any cycling whatsoever since the end of May.

The exhaustion, aches and pains have just got worse, I am in a lot of pain now and I cannot get through the day without falling asleep at least once because I am so totally exhausted. Last Wednesday we scattered my grandad's ashes and it seems this was when it all got a lot worse and since Wednesday I developed severe toothache which moves around my mouth. My head, face, back, shoulders, arms, hips, legs and feet hurt so much.

I have been to see my doctor and am waiting for the results of a blood test but I am very concerned about how this 'illness' or whatever it is is affecting my daily life. I have, after a year or so of applications and rejections, just been offered a wonderful job in finance and am so worried that I will not be able to take up the job because of how I am feeling. I have waited so long for a break, now it is here and this illness has reared its ugly head big time. If I can barely get through the day how will I do the new job?

I am also worried about the affect it is having on my studies (I am studying part time for a degree), it is, like everything else in life at the moment, twice as difficult and hard going as it normally is. The last essay got me a really bad grade, I have an exam coming up that I am wondering if I will get through and pass, and I am having to fill in special circumstances forms every time I hand in work. My grades are normally very good so the bad ones show up more than they would do otherwise.

I appreciate and value your insight into my current situation (I have contacted you previously) because I do not know what to do about it. I have been giving myself Reiki treatments (I have been attuned at Reiki 1 level) and not beating myself up too much over my grades and the fact I am sleeping a lot of the time. It is just that life is beginning to move on in some areas (employment, education) but not in others (relationships) and I want to get on with everything. My grandfather's death made me decide (the decision just came to me) that I am not going to dither and worry over so much and just get on with life as life on the Earth plane is limited and I want to make the most of the time I have.

I adored my grandad and am happy that he is in Spirit now because he suffered so much with ill-health and it was not nice for him. I miss him very much but know that one day I will see him again. I have not cried much; I cried a lot when I found out and physically hurt but I have not cried since. I get tears and a lump in my throat but that is it. I wonder if my beliefs are hampering my grieving process.

Bad stuff (issues) in my family have resurfaced due to my grandad's death and I am so sick of it all you would not believe. My mum tells me the same stuff over and over and as much as I wish I could help there is nothing I can do for her. I am not the person she needs to talk to; I think she needs professional help but if I said that she would kill me. My aunt is the same and my grandmother is making their lives very difficult (more than usual) in her grief. I love my family so much but I have my own issues from my own life, my parents etc and I deal with those as much as I can on a daily basis. I am struggling I think on an emotional level to deal with all of this, yet on a mental level I am absolutely fine. I understand a lot mentally but wish it would all go away so I did not have to deal with things as I just want a peaceful life now; I am at the stage where I have had enough.

My mum, grandmother and aunt blame my grandad for everything and that makes me cross because they made choices just like he did. He was not all bad and as far as I am concerned he was wonderful the way he was. When I was a small child he was my protector and source of complete and utter love and acceptance. I was so lucky to have him as my grandad. I was his angel and I know it; he loved nobody more than he loved me. I loved him so much too, he was special to me, I have always said I love him and my grandmother more than my parents.

My grandad was a very misunderstood man and it makes me cross when my family judge him so harshly. He had an awful life as a child, none of us have had great childhoods but they all seem to forget about his and that was why he did the things he did.

I just want him back really and for everything to be OK. I miss him so much and without him I sometimes wonder how I will continue although I know I will because I am a strong person. It is just this illness thing I have, I do not understand why I have this, I thought I was coping really well but perhaps I am not coping as much as I thought. I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Many thanks and kind regards

Hi - There is a bacteria in your system that you need to get rid of - hopefully this will show up in the tests from your doctor. There is some karma going on here with all of this that needs to be released. I think this is with your mother. See if you can work with this in meditation, asking to see what it is, and how best to release it with compassion.

Also, you need to do a clearing to release you from some negative entities that are hanging around you. I think the best way to do this in your case is to contact the Foundation for Shamanic Studies (you can look them up on the net to find a practitioner near you - find an advanced one) to help you with this.

Right now, although you are saying you are strong and not mentally upset or unclear, that is not fully the case, as...

  1. You are not yet able to confront your mother and set your boundaries with her - you think she'll " kill you" if you do - which is the place a frightened child comes from, not an empowered adult. And...

  2. You are still blaming others, your aunts and mother, etc., for your upset and circumstances... This, too, is the place of the child, not the adult.
As you speak of your grandfather, I feel all the love you had for him, and, as you said, if, as a child, you felt safest and most loved by him, then his death would have been a huge trauma for you - the child you, who felt so protected, safe and loved with him, is probably feeling very scared, unsafe, and lost, as you apparently don't have that kind of connection with the other members of your family. With them it sounds as if you need to build up your power and strength, to no longer be fearful or afraid of them, believing that they can "kill you" or harm you in some way. It is very important that you see the terror you have of your mother, and build up your inner strength and confidence in order to get free of this - it is important that you become aware that she cannot hurt you, which means evolving from the scared child to being your own, empowered adult.

Just as you saw that your grandfather had issues as a human being, so too does your mother. As a frightened child, our parents can loom so large and terrifying and monstrous to us when we are hit and bombarded with their dysfunction and anger and issues. However, they are also just wounded, frightened children, and when you can see them that way, and have compassion toward them instead of fear, when you can see their insecurities and terror rather then letting their terror bombard and terrify YOU, when you have gotten to that place within yourself where you know how to protect yourself by being able to stand up lovingly and firmly for yourself, setting whatever boundaries you need to set in a calm, clear manner, then the fear and illusion you are in, that your mother can harm you, will disappear. This is what the journey to empowerment is all about, and it takes time.

That is what we are here for, and people who ultimately and so deeply challenge you in this way, once you get beyond your fear of them, can be, and usually are, your greatest teachers. These are issues often of humility - not being humbled in a negative way, but coming off the judging child and moving into the compassionate adult space, where we can recognize that all beings have fear and struggles and are doing what they can to cope with them (as you saw with your grandfather), even if some of their methods and strategies are negative or not yet very evolved, advanced, or positive yet. This is your challenge now - to grow into this. Your true protector must be yourself and your connection to your divine source. Now that your grandfather is gone and no longer holds that space for you, it is your turn to do that for yourself. A lot of old issues and terror will probably surface for you as you work through this. As you said, facing the old baggage in your family is making you sick.

When you say enough is enough, what is truly enough, what you truly need to be done with, is your own fear and remaining in the place of the frightened child. Send Reiki energy to that place in you that first felt destroyed or terrified by your mother. Even if you don't know exactly when it first began, ask the Reiki energy to go there- it will know where to go - and ask it to heal what got broken in you. It is a profound healing to do for yourself. Then let it process. See if you can merge, with compassion, the frightened child with the strong adult you, letting yourself evolve into a stronger being as you do so.

Blessings, Ayal

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question, Ayal. After reading your answers to other questions, I've already come up with some really significant insights as they apply to my own belief systems. I know I need to examine my issues around creativity and not trusting my own instincts. My question today has to do with sleep disturbances, which may or may not be related to those issues. For about six years, I have experienced going to sleep and then within an hour or so of sleep, waking up startled, and convinced that if I don't wake up in the next few seconds I will lose my breath and die. When I wake up I'm not quite in this world. At times I have found myself getting up and walking out my front door. Is this just sleep apnea or is there something deeper going on in my psyche and/or nervous system? I've often wondered if it was related to the three significant surgeries I've had in my life. These night frights started after the last surgery, six years ago. Any insights you have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again.

Well, I do get that your waking up does have to do with the surgeries. I think your fear of dying then was left unresolved, and is coming out now in your sleep patterns. My suggestion is: read the article listed at the end of the home page regarding calling your spirit back, and follow the instructions there. I think you had some soul loss going on with those surgeries and the trauma you experienced then. See if that helps. I'd do the method at least 3 times within a 3 week period.

Blessings, Ayal

418. "I've tried everything but can't get unstuck so that I can participate in life again"


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