"There's this electric chemistry between us, but he won't take it further"
Dear Ayal, I don't know why this has happed to me as it has taken me by complete surprise; I am a 53-year-old sensible and normally down to earth woman.
My first husband I met when 17 and we married at 21 I did love him but he was difficult and a drinker so after summing up the courage I left him after 20 years of marriage. I then met and married my cousin who is a very kind and staid man, but I don't love him. We have a good relationship and get on well.
Where I work a young man has come into my life, probably less than half my age, but over a period of 4-5 months has constantly been giving me longing looks and making small talk, never any hint of any sexual connotations at all. I thought at the outset that he was nice, then bang I fell for him in a big way. I know that I really love this guy, I have let him know that I like him, not trying to be too full on and scare him off, and he responds to that by making big efforts to be where I am. I am sure it's not just flattery that he's after, and although nothing is said (just the odd comment that he thinks I am special), there is this electric chemistry between us... but he just will not take it further, although all the signs are he really does want to, but is really troubled and scared at the same time. I know it must be daunting as I am married and a fair bit older( but look really good for my age).
My question is that these feelings I have for him are so strong that I would give up everything to be with him, but WHY has this happened? It doesn't seem to be going anywhere, it is so cruel! I was never looking for this, now I've found it, WHY I can't I have it?
Well, you CAN have it, if that is what you choose to do. There is nothing cruel about it, unless YOU CHOOSE to see it that way. As a soul, you can choose to manifest whatever it is that you want, and hopefully we learn, as we evolve, to choose that which is for our Highest Good, as well as for the Highest good of others and all of life.
There is never anything wrong with truly loving. The question for you is, what belief do YOU still have that tells you that you can't have what you desire in life? Do you believe that you don't deserve it, or perhaps you believe that you don't have what it takes to manifest what you desire? Perhaps you experienced situations growing up where you decided relationships were either unsafe, or boring, or unloving - if you didn't get what you needed growing up, it's very easy to then believe that you don't deserve to be loved or have joy, or be treated well. If you created a husband originally who drank, and then a husband who isn't really all that fulfilling for you, that tells me that you yourself believe somewhere that you can't have, or create, what is truly wonderful, safe, and inspiring in life. Where did that belief come from in you? Do you stand firm in your own power, or do you give your power away to others? An important area to explore and transform, if necessary. (See the info on empowerment in my article here.)
For until you recognize, heal and change those limiting beliefs, that is what you will continue to manifest in your life. Obviously you believe that life is cruel and doesn't give a person what they need or want. But, that isn't truth. That's just YOUR belief. Beliefs can be changed. (See the Laws of the Universe on this site for information on how to do that.) That is what is stopping you from thinking you can have what feels good to you in life. Nothing cruel about it. Just a belief that's in your way.
There are many relationships that work very well where people are of different ages. If both parties are clear as to what that involves, such as, if you got together and both wanted a long term relationship, he would probably need to accept not having children as part of it, etc. When souls touch, age isn't all that important. There are, of course, certain factors that do play into it that can be a challenge - such as possible differences in emotional maturity, but even that is not always the case, as different souls, no matter what the age, have different levels of maturity. Someone at 21 can be more evolved then someone who is 60, for instance. It all depends.
Since you are not feeling truly in love with the man you are now married to, it isn't surprising that you chose to manifest into your life someone whom you do feel more excited about. There's nothing wrong with making a choice that brings change into your life, as long as you do so clearly and calmly, understanding what making that choice will do. Life is always about change - the important thing is to keep changing in ways that bring about growth and good transformation. We do create experiences for ourselves in order to learn something, and sometimes those experiences are and can be challenging. However, my suggestion is, first change YOUR inner beliefs that perhaps stop you from seeing life as loving and wonderful - you may be surprised that this changes the relationship with your husband that you already have. It is YOUR beliefs and energy patterns that manifest things in your life being as they are - and when you change yourself from the INSIDE out, the external world also changes, must change, to mirror those changes in you. That is how it works. So, you may be surprised that this deeply changes your relationship with your husband also, and that you get what you are looking for, from him. Right now, he can only match what you already believe. If you are meant to continue on together, as you change, his changes will match yours.
If you and this young man find out and clearly decide that you really can have a wonderfully fulfilling relationship, and you both are on the same page about it, and enter into it with awareness, knowing what you want from the relationship and what possible challenges may be, my suggestion is make the change in such a way that it does not bring harm to your husband. In other words, communicate with him clearly, honestly and openly, and have integrity in the way you go about this.
At the very least, by feeling this for this man, and by writing in, this experience is showing you some important core beliefs that need to be changed in your life. True?
You CAN create a relationship in life where you have both safety, commitment, and support, as well as deep fulfillment and inspiration and chemistry. If you BELIEVE you can. To have this, you must grow these things in yourself, such as the ability to love from a place of deep self esteem. Then that is what you will create. But first you have to release whatever limiting beliefs or wounds are in the way.
Thank you so much for your wonderful reply, and what you say is all true; however the problem to me is that its like it was so nearly possible to have a relationship with this young man, as if I'm led to the situation by him then he withdraws, I don't understand why this has happened in the grand scheme of things as I am at the stage now in life to be open minded and fully prepared to make any changes necessary, I really don't think he wants to go forward with the relationship. So the most devastating part is that I only want HIM. No-one else will do or even come close to (I want to say, what I need or feel for him) but that shows my neediness doesn't it? I just want to get past the pain now as he will be leaving the area soon I think, so perhaps it will be a good thing, although it doesn't feel like it at the moment. How will I stop feeling the need for him only? I can't imagine how the gap will be filled, as all the things in life that meant anything to me now don't at all.
He is a Dr and very gorgeous, polite and courteous and very professional in his job and has risen quickly, has a good sense of humor, but I do think that his emotional maturity is lacking somewhere, as he doesn't make relationships with women outside of work. This is what makes it harder for me as I know that I am the exception to this. Why has he shown interest if he won't take it further? It's all such a shame as there is such a deep connection there.
What needs to be asked of yourself is: "What is the brilliance and purpose of my having created this situation?" In other words, what are you learning and gaining from this?
Perhaps this situation came to show you the depth of what you are now ready to have and experience in life - - what you are ready and willing to give yourself.
I hear a depth of passion here, which is good. However, where you are getting off track, as I mentioned earlier, is that you are putting your power to be fulfilled in something else rather then in yourself - in this case someone - outside of yourself. It isn't him that you need per se- it's the qualities in him that you see and desire that you are looking for - but you must find them inside yourself. You are seeking, I think, to live now with this depth of passion and fulfillment - but only you can give that to yourself. You said yourself, why won't he take it further if he is interested? Well, that is the question to ask yourself about your life and your own soul growth, isn't it? That's the mirror for you. When you understand this on a deep level, if you give yourself permission to get this on a deep level - then you will manifest relationships and experiences in your life that are passionate and fulfilling. Because they will be a mirror of yourself.
As I mentioned before, you haven't been able or willing, up to this point, to give yourself joy and fulfillment - so how surprised are you that you manifest a man in your life who also withdraws from fulfillment? He withdraws from living life, it sounds like, as you have. He is a mirror for you of this issue in yourself. Do you recognize that? Seeing life as something to yearn for but not be able to have. That is what this lesson is all about for you. The question is, do you want to keep on living from that place? If not, it isn't this man who will change that for you. It's you, yourself, changing this within yourself. That is why he showed up in your life, I believe - to help you see this in yourself. Your being manifested this mirror to show you what you need to develop and grow in yourself - It's not about him, although you are wanting to make it about him. That's a distraction. It's about YOU and your own evolution and transformation. What you need to face and heal within yourself. Part of you doesn't want to do that, and that's why you are making it all about him.
Take a look at what you say here: "I can't imagine how the gap will be filled, as all the things in life that meant anything to me now don't at all." This is a real red flag that shows me how much you are not wanting to be in your own power. This shows a kind of addiction to something external, and a severe crash if you don't get it - and that is coming from neediness, as you said. That isn't having your own strength and inner power.
The gap is filled by you finding this depth of passion and love for life inside yourself - by doing your own inner work, facing yourself, and then choosing to create for yourself in ways that bring you joy. You must be... and be filled up with.... what it is that you see you want on the outside. The only way to draw it to you, or, in other words, have the Universe mirror it back to you in the form of experiences in life, is to be that already, in yourself. That is how our souls grow.
You need to pull your energy back from him and needing "him", and look inside to see how you can give what you are truly needing to yourself. To make it about another person place, or thing is to lose your own power.
So, read the Laws of the Universe, and start the journey of self development, if you truly wish to fill in this gap you are feeling. This is a soul gap - not a person gap. It's not him that you are needing, but yourself. Bring that same depth of loving and wanting to yourself, and your own growth. Then you'll be filled up.
One other thought... You are married. A man with integrity won't take things farther, even if he is interested. If you don't want to be married to your husband, and you want the freedom to be interested in men, and have men interested in you, then recognize your not wanting to be in the relationship you are in, and change that. Or, as I said, grow that depth of loving and passion in yourself, and see if it changes your marriage. As Wayne Dyer said: "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." In other words, change your perception, by changing your beliefs.