"I have a lot of jealousy and some paranoia about my boyfriend"
I have read a lot of the questions on your site. I have a lot of jealousy and some paranoia about my boyfriend. He hasn't given me any reason to be worried and yet I am terrified of him abandoning me. For instance, he is away at a convention right no for work and if I call him, and he doesn't answer, I am sure he is cheating on me with a business associate. The thing is, I have owned up to these feelings. I understand that I create my reality. I know that this comes from being abandoned and lied to by my father. What I don't know is how top manage these feelings of jealousy, anger and fear. I feel so out of control. Please help.
Hi. There is an overall fear of being able to let go showing up for you. This does not mean that you have to let go of relationships. What it means is that there is a huge insecurity going on that makes you cling and clutch onto externals in order to feel safe. There is an issue of false pride showing up also. What I take this to mean is that when a person is basically insecure, what develops as a part of that is a feeling of not being good enough, but to offset this, the person develops a sort of false pride which they try to protect - in other words, they develop anxiety, worrying that they will be shamed all the time. Their false pride will then be lost or damaged and then they will again experience, over and over again, the not good enough feeling. Because you have felt this not good enough feeling all of your life, and you have always on some level lived in this anxiety, you keep re-creating it because you are addicted to it - it is all you know... And you equate it with what love and being in a relationship feels like.
When false pride is present, a person believes their sense of inferiority will be validated by the actions of others, how they fear others will relate to them. You need to be aware when this sense of anxiety comes up, and realize consciously that it is coming from your fear of being shamed - that it is an energy that you have become addicted to. Then love yourself, and see if you can step out of that energy. You can even draw 2 circles on the ground, and in one, put, via your imagination, all of that old energy you have been stuck in, and in the other, put the feelings of being free from fear, of loving yourself, of trust, etc., whatever feels right to you. Then step from one circle to another, feeling the energy present in each circle for a few minutes, until you see that you can step out of this energy at will. Also, after doing this, consciously. tell yourself that you are good enough and put your hands over your heart and say: "My heart is enough", and know that you are perfect in and of yourself.
There is an Aura-Soma product to help support you in this healing: the equilibrium oil # B42. This essence is for someone who keeps searching for their own self identity, but has trouble finding it. For someone who unsuccessfully tries to rely on the mind and is overly intellectual. It is for the unhappiness that comes from being anxious about future events and not being able to be in the present moment. This essence will help you to bring more joy into your life and to cast light into the shadow areas of your personality. It will help you to resolve feelings of limitation and nervous depression, and will inspire the higher feelings of love, help to clear emotional confusion, and encourage freedom from fear. You rub it around your entire solar plexus area, front and back - I invite you to order it at firstname.lastname@example.org and to use it 4 times a day for the next 3 months.
A technique for Clearing: Bring your hands up over your head, palms facing the front of your body. Slowly bring your hands all the way down the front of your body until you reach your thighs, and then firmly and loudly say: "CLEAR!" This will help to release unwanted and distorted energy in your field. I invite you to do this 4 times a day for the next 4 months, and then at least twice a day after that from now on.
I also invite you to say the following prayer twice a day for the next 3 months:
You get rid of a copy by becoming aware of what your own body actually felt at the moment you copied. As you do, the copied emotion dissolves, often with the sensation of it spreading and fading away from your body. For people who still copy as adults, identify the trigger feeling that pushes you to do it, (i.e., the need to find safety by going into someone else's space or energy) and follow the feeling back to its source. Feel the insecurity, and gather it up from all places where you feel it in your body and put it inside of an imaginary balloon. Then release it, letting go of the balloon. You can also then say the Mother Father God and Holy Spirit Prayer, asking to release it.
Another area is showing up where your energy got stuck as a child. Here is information regarding that. Read it and process the information, and then if it feels appropriate to you, it would be good to do the exercise at the end that is offered. I'd do this at least 3 times within a 3 week period.
Pelvic block against softness: issues of assertion.
The traditional psychoanalytic name for this position is 'phallic', which comes from the Greek word for 'penis'. In many ways this is seriously misleading, since what is being described is a quality shared equally by girls and boys, though with different effects on the adult character. It arises from the widespread sexist attitude that only those with penises can, or should, thrust.
Once children have developed some sense of holding themselves up and grounding through the buttocks and backs of the legs, they can start literally and symbolically pushing themselves forward. As mobility develops, so does the need for recognition and praise, the desire to assert yourself, to take up space, to show off. Direct sexual exhibitionism is very much part of this: children of four or five are sexual beings, often very hotly so, and need acknowledgement especially from their parents, on whom such feelings will largely be focused. More generally, there is the need to have a say in things, to have some sense of power and autonomy: bed-times, TV, playing outside are all typical opportunities for assertion.
What so often happens is that adults treat this natural and healthy assertiveness as 'badness', 'willfulness', 'impudence'. There may even be a conscious intention to crush and overpower the child's will, to frighten it into submission. The classic form of this happens when the father is himself locked into a thrusting position, so that he sees any assertiveness and independence on the part of his children as a threat to his identity, and reacts with physical or emotional violence, the belt or the vicious put-down.
In this situation the child will generally submit - there is little alternative. But built into their character from then on will be a quality of hatred and revenge that subtly flavors everything they do. A 'yearning thrusting' character will, as an adult, be competitive, pushy, achievement-oriented - a career man or woman.
This is most often a middle-class position; working class people who are unable to use their angry energy for worldly success throw their weight around on the domestic, social and sexual fronts instead, or become involved in the machismo of the underworld. Many of these attitudes are strongly encouraged in our culture, primarily in men; thus they are transmitted to the next generation, as a compulsively thrusting and authoritarian parent represses their child's independence and sets them up for the same script.
The ability to push and thrust with the pelvis - in a soft and feeling way - is essential to satisfying sex for both women and men; and the corresponding life capacity is equally important In the thrusting-block character position, there is an overlay of hate and fear in such pelvic movement, a fear of collapse (in the face of adult power), leading to an attitude which Reich called 'genital revenge'. If the person is a man, then they may be a rapist, overt or indirect, if a woman, what men call a 'ball-breaker, using sex to humiliate (though men often use this label to attack any woman who scares them with her healthy sexual assertiveness). The soft easy thrust becomes a violent harsh movement - 'screwing'.
Sexually speaking, the yearning thruster will be a Don Juan character who uses sex to 'score'- for conquest and ego satisfaction rather than pleasure and melting contact. Similar attitudes will color their attitude to life in general - enjoyment takes second place to status. Our culture tends actively to encourage such distortions in men, to the extent of seeing them as intrinsically manly, macho, butch. A woman or girl who shows such traits will often be met with disapproval and invalidation (tomboy', 'unfeminine') even though the thrusting may be entirely healthy, the natural urge for assertiveness and achievement.
The body type that goes with the thrusting character is quite highly rated in our society: it tends to be large, well-muscled, energetic, athletic - at any rate in milder versions of the block. The stronger the block, the more the body tends to be rigid, musclebound and overcharged. Someone who denies their need to thrust will necessarily have a rigid body and character, often sex-negative, self-righteous and moralistic. This is a different strategy for genital revenge - 'stamp out this menace!' The absence of pleasure is even clearer with these compulsively 'good' people. Thrusting characters often suffer from 'stress-related ailments', because they put themselves through so much stress.
The creative side of the thrusting character is its energy, drive, courage, physical and mental eélan its willpower and discipline. The distortions stem from insecurity, from the fear of being smashed down which is hidden under an exaggerated 'strength', able to brook no equals, let alone 'superiors'. In its obsession with rank, pecking order, competition, and in its assumption that every situation must involve a winner and loser, the thrusting block is clearly a central factor in patriarchal society.
Person B stands on a chair; person A stands looking up at them, legs braced stiffly, jaw stuck out, chest stuck out, fists clenched. Use your breath to puff yourself up. A says things like 'No', 'I won't'; B says 'Oh yes you will', 'You better had', 'Do what I tell you', etc. After a while, make contact and reverse.