"Being an object of assault has sent me into a downward spiral"
I have a type of muscular dystrophy and I fell and broke my back. On my search for healing I found Tai-Chi. My doctor was my instructor for 6 years. Three days after my husband left, he sexually assaulted me. I haven't been able to do Tai-Chi since. Tai-Chi kept me balanced and grounded, enabling me to walk by using my tendons and ligaments instead of my muscles. Losing it at the same time that I lost my marriage, my home and my best friend, my body totally shut down. I couldn't walk, stand or drive, cook or even shower myself. My ex is a lawyer with a brother who was a judge. He fought me going to court until I had exhausted my resources. During this time, I fell and broke a rib.
No money, nobody to rely on and no family, not able to return to work, I was left to raise our daughter alone. I was going to lose her since I couldn't take care of her and her father wouldn't take her. (We adopted her as a baby.) I couldn't let that happen. I cashed in some retirement money I had left, hired a physiotherapist to help me try to get on my feet again, people in to help me with laundry and give me a shower. Doctors had said it was a progression of my disease (both my brothers have it as well, neither can walk, feed or clothe themselves). They wanted me in a home.
In incremental steps, with the use of a walker, I learned how to stand, then take steps. I kept trying by going to the gym, getting hand controls for my car, got re-licensed. Two years later I use a walker outside but I manage a cane in the house. I still can't do Tai-Chi because of the memories I think. There's a block emotional.
I reported him to the College of Physicians and Surgeons which was very difficult because of my spiritual beliefs. I don't believe an eye for an eye, yet others need to be protected. It's tearing me apart morally and spiritually.
My question: Is there hope for me? Will I walk and do Tai-Chi again? Tai-Chi was my passion, it still is. And do I go through with the complaint?
I didn't know where to turn and for some reason I did here. This is unusual for me to do.
I neglected to tell you I was sure he was in love with me and that was the reason for the assault. For the first time in my life I saw my value and my worth when my ex left. It also happened on the anniversary date I share with my ex. I thought we were being given a message that there was something we could do together to help serve the world by getting Tai-Chi's healing secrets out to people since he understood the physical and mechanical and I understood the internal alchemy of dissolution of thoughts, feelings and emotions and the connection with the void, emptiness.
I thought he saw my inner strength and beauty. But later, he admitted it was an assault. He doesn't know why he reacted to me the way he did, he just did.
I was deluded about every aspect of my life, I saw these men (him, my ex) full of integrity, honesty, intelligence, loyalty, responsibility ... Being an object of the reverse of these sent me into a downward spiral for the longest time. And fear of being alone in my body paralyzed me. I'd had a most difficult childhood and saw my adult life as a gift for having undergone a youth and living in grace since there wasn't one day I wasn't thankful for all I had and who I had in my life.
Well, you've definitely got a very tough row to hoe here. A lot of damage has happened to your physical body, and it also sounds as if you have a very strong and loving and determined spirit to cope with your challenges. It is obvious that you have deep love for your daughter as you are working so hard to be able to keep her in your life. I can't tell you dear one, whether or not you will do this or that, or how your life will go, as I am not a fortune teller. What I can help you see is what the issues are that are causing the difficult situations in your life. Then, it is up to you to you to explore them and transform them, and to see where that takes you.
First of all, the main issue that is showing up for you that has created the MS in your life is called "denying the self life." It is created from extreme fear, self hatred, and rejection. You do not believe that it is safe to be you, or that you are wonderful in and of yourself, and can love yourself - just as you are. There are issues present for you about the ability to give and receive physical, mental, and emotional pleasure to yourself and to others. Your lesson in this life revolves around choosing joy and accepting yourself, and choosing to live life from that state of mind. Creating that for yourself, in other words, and giving it to yourself. Up until now, because you have not felt love for yourself, you have created an illness and situations in which you are limited, denied the things you love, and you are creating hurt to yourself and your physical body. If you do not love yourself, if you reject yourself, your muscles will attack themselves and you will create negative situations in your life where you are attacked, as you spoke of, that mirror or reflect your own subconscious way of relating to and treating yourself. This may be hard to hear, but things have gone so far off course for you in so many traumatic and overwhelming directions that you must be able to deal with the truth of it if you want to heal. You must develop a deep, clear, conscious understanding of and commitment to Self Love. This is not the same thing as self centeredness. This is a deep understanding and feeling of what living from a place of True, unconditional love is like.
To truly heal, you must be willing and ready and willing to access and to clear these issues - to clear any and all imbalances that may relate to illnesses, be they physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual.
There is an incoordination going on of your circulatory system... invite you to go to a good holistic chiropractor who can check you for the imbalances found in overall connectedness and working your body - not someone who simply deals in physical adjustments. Have him or her check your thymus, especially.
I am getting that it would be good for you also to go to a good hypnotherapist - someone who has a high level of competency and integrity, who can help you reveal where and when these issues first began for you, and then to help you put in positive and beneficial programs, or patterns of thinking and feeling, that will help you to heal, on all levels. Explore areas of your childhood and any beliefs that you developed that you couldn't get past the old, dysfunctional beliefs your parents taught you. You must be able to do this in order to "move forward" in your life. Do this from a place of love and caring from yourself. Put that energy into finding the right person to help you with this.
Each day, I invite you to say this, 4 times a day, from now on:
I also invite you to disconnect from, or "cut the cords to" anyone and anything, any situation, that you are still hooked into that has negative feelings or energy to it:
Say the following intention 3 times a day for the next 4 months:
After you read that article, when you are ready, then read 'The Laws of the Universe' information presented on the site. Read it until you get an "aha" and a new understanding dawns for you. As you gain new understanding and new ways of being, keep clearly in your thoughts and feelings a deep faith in the future for yourself. See yourself ALREADY well and healthy. The fastest way to create new manifestations in your life is to vision it, or be there already - seeing it and feeling it already.
You need to be drinking a LOT more water to hydrate your system. At least 4 fourteen ounce glasses a day.
From the standpoint of The Soul - one's soul development - crises in our lives happen when we are ready to move on, when it is time to take another step in our spiritual unfoldment. The soul strives, like a butterfly, to break free from false understandings and illusions that keep one ill.
That's enough for now.
Many blessings, Ayal