"I attract the type of women that want to castrate their men"
I was born 7/02/55, the 7th child born to my mother. My 3 brothers and 3 sisters were from other marriages. My father was rejected by my siblings and my mother as well. One of my earliest memories was my siblings and mother physically removing my dad from our home. I learned at a very young age to pick sides to survive. My dad was castrated (symbolically) as the leader of our family. I also felt like an outsider never quite fitting in. I was the butt of most jokes from my 2 older brothers always putting me down for one reason or another. I usually did nothing about the put downs, I was just trying to survive in an emotionally hostile environment. My dad died when I was 11 and most of my life I have been discouraged. I am sick of being discouraged, I want to live. I sense my Royalty I just can't seem to find my Scepter. You can guess what type of women I attract, ones that want to castrate their men. I understand the universal law that I get what I expect. I have not been able to expect the things I deserve. I want to win. I want my Glory back. Your insight is much needed.....
Hi - Thanks for writing in and seeking to work on this. OK. Let's get started. First of all, this has been a lot to handle, and your system is definitely feeling overtaxed. It is good that you are sharing some of this stress. However, what's also going to help is for you to continue to speak your truth to those you need to speak it to. Your lesson here is to learn to stand up for yourself and set boundaries - not allowing things that are hurtful to you to happen by remaining silent or passive. This doesn't mean to be aggressive, but to love yourself enough that you can speak your truth calmly and clearly, and set your boundaries about what you will allow into your life. You might just say to your brothers, for instance:
"You know, I'm not into these put downs. Don't like it now, and never did. It's destructive energy. Whether you like it or not, we're brothers. So, you have two choices here, as far as I'm concerned. Start behaving towards me as a good brother would, and work through whatever animosity it is that you bear me, or let's decide this relationship isn't worth it, and we'll stay out of each other's lives. I'm into being a good brother to you, because I believe that you're worth it. If you can't reciprocate, then let's all agree to stay out of one another's lives."
If you put it to them like this, though, be prepared to back up your statements. If you decide that you're worth enough to be treated well, and you want to have relationship with them, then you need to also be a good brother to them. That includes not letting them get away with shitty behavior by loving and standing up for yourself. Backing this up also means that, if they won't go along with that, then you may have to decide to let them not be a part of your life. Work on that detachment, with staying in touch with your center - with knowing you are enough for yourself - throughout the day from now on, breathe into your hara or power center (naval area - 3rd chakra) calmly and steadily, and bring that calm peaceful strength to each and every present moment. Also, focus throughout the day on breathing in a beautiful butter yellow color into your navel area. See your anxiety releasing as you exhale.
As a child it's totally understandable that you did the best you could to survive in a hostile environment - and you need to truly congratulate yourself that you did survive. That was important. Take a look at the strength that took, and recognize that. Also true, however, that that pattern then got deeply ingrained in you so that you still operate out of it, as an adult, thinking that all you can do is lay low so as not to be exiled or tortured yourself and then be left alone to survive. But, as has become apparent to you, just surviving is not enough. There's MUCH more to life then that. Wonderful things.
So, to begin with, take some time out - take some seclusion if you can (4 weeks would be ideal) and get to know your own strength - get to see that being alone is a wonderful thing so that you can work through this fear of it and of abandonment. Learn to enjoy who you are and your own being. What you will see is that when you have yourself, you are never alone, and never abandoned. Then you can begin to create healthy relationships from that.
Decide, during this time, what you want to do. I invite you to work on the following core beliefs and energetic patterns that are stuck in you:
You can also use this prayer to undo these energy loops:
Ask also to receive guidance on these issues - state that you are willing to do so.
Also, reading the book Quantum Healing, by Deepak Chopra, would be great for you.
Remember this too: your dad, as painful as it was, created that experience for himself due to his own misunderstandings of truth and his acceptance of being a victim. No one can victimize you unless you agree to it - unless your own programs fit into that pattern, you allow it, and create it. Therefore, doing one's inner work is the way out. Create beliefs and programs that are positive and in harmony with truth - that come from compassion, self responsibility, and love.
It isn't so much about "expecting" to get what you deserve, John. It's about "knowing" who you are - an aspect of the Divine - as we all are - and LIVING from that reality and that understanding. You use the word "expect" rather then "create", and I think that says something. "Expecting" implies waiting and being passive. That's appropriate some of the time, but it is also appropriate to decide what you want to create, and then to go out and create it. That's using your own WILL and trusting and being in alignment with your own choices for your Highest good - making choices that create your own Highest Good. To self determine, and not sit back and wait for it. It's a fine balance of being in the flow of life, and letting come what comes, but at the same time one must also create that flow by being in harmony with Truth - with your Soul's truth - by actively pursuing what you want to create -which is positive male energy - and by Loving yourself and being strong in that love and living in Balance. To do this, you must learn how to take care of yourself as a good parent would - you never had that role model - you had a weak, victim oriented father and a hostile, angry mother - so, now you must create your own healthy parenting model for yourself. And perhaps that is what you came in to learn to do - to find that healthy, uplifting, wonderful balance of the masculine and feminine within yourself. A good parent firmly and calmly protects his or her child, honors others, sets appropriate boundaries, and allows and opens the way for that child to discover, with delight, their own loves, strengths, and desires.
A good exercise to do for you would be to close your eyes, and focus with deep attention on any muscle or area of your body that hurts you or feels tight or tense or anxious. Inhale, contract that muscle or area gently, while exhaling to a count of 20. Release and inhale. Repeat 6 times.
Then say aloud, 3 times: "All places in my mind, body, and life are healing."
Look more within yourself for balance, inner development, and knowing that "true gold is in the heart." When you find yourself choosing to escape in some way, or hide from doing what you need to do for yourself, just re-commit to this.
That's enough for now.
I want to get your take on this dream I had last night. I made a donation this time:)..... The dream starts and I am in this room with about 20 to 30 people, small room somewhat crowded. At the end of the room was a counter about 5ft tall and a woman was behind the counter with a ring of keys in her hand. I told the woman the keys were mine and she said she could not say whose keys they were. So I stepped back into the room surrounded by people and the woman released the keys from her hand and I caught the keys in my left hand. It happened so quickly no other person in the room made an attempt to catch the keys... Next I am in another room with my keys and I notice this box with a lock but the box is open. I knew I had been in the room before but the box was shut and locked. I met a man in the room who had keys very similar to mine and we looked at our keys together.... Next I am walking down this hallway and I am singing the most beautiful song I have ever heard. Perfect in every way. As I am singing I notice I am clothed in this white thing like a bed spread. I am naked under the garment. I'm walking and singing and really caught up in this song when I notice this woman standing in the middle of the hallway. She is very beautiful with long dark hair and a beautiful body as well. She looked to be about 30 years old. She noticed my singing and looked toward me. I walked over to her and covered both of us in the white garment and when I did she starting singing the same song... The dream ended while we were walking and singing this beautiful song covered in this white bed spread like garment.....
Well, I think that these are very profound and revealing dreams for you. First off, let's look at the part with the woman behind the counter. Here's what my guidance told me about it. The counter represents your anxiety - your fears. It's a block put in front of the woman who holds the keys that are yours. The keys represent the power you gave over to your mother, the fear you felt towards her, fears that therefore stopped you from having " the keys" to healthy relationships with women. The woman behind the counter also represents sexuality. She is behind the counter, or, in other words, represents sexuality that you couldn't get to before because your anxieties were in the way. The keys are what you are using to restore the breaks, or trauma, in your life force energy. You now have the keys you need to unlock the trauma and restore yourself to wholeness. And you demanded them and claimed them as yours. "The "keys" to your healing, in other words. The people represent those judgments you felt so cramped by (small room) or crowded with from others but that you also were caught up in and creating yourself - "crowded by" - within yourself. When you moved back into the crowd is when you caught the keys - or, in other words, you got the keys when you chose to penetrate the roots of these problems or issues - you went back into them to work them out and therefore were able to get the keys from the woman (your own sexuality or power).
Second part: Very similar in theme to the first. The box is what was locked away from you or blocked in you before, a part of your psyche. It represents your ability to integrate sexuality and spirituality - -and that is now open, unlocked. The man represents your ability to be more vulnerable now in a clear, strong, open way with others, to look at what you need to and to trust that your communications with others can be filled with warmth and healing and receptivity - that you can share as well as be received.
Third part: the song is your joy and freedom - the freedom that is coming from an open heart. Because you are coming from a joyful, pure place (the white garment) you can and will attract someone who also sings the same song, who is in beautiful harmony with you, and who is also coming from a pure place., as she can also be enshrouded in the white garment. This seems to me also to be a healing between your inner masculine and inner feminine energies - the holy union within oneself.