"Is there something I am 'meant' to do? How do I find it?"
First I'd like to thank the reader who sent in the recent question about faith. I've been having the same issues and your answer was wonderful. So thank you for that answer, and for the many answers you've provided. They have helped me a lot.
I think there have been many chakra issues I've been dealing with; they all need repair in some way or another and I guess that is what the life process is about. First and second - survival and creativity - are central at this time. Like so many others, I feel stuck in this rut of an office job. Yet when I think of what I'd rather be doing I feel blocked- like my mind and heart trail off and basically don't go anywhere. I feel as if I am making some kind of progress, in that I have manifested a beautiful apartment and some other life changes in the past few months. But this part of me still feels unfulfilled, like I can't 'stomach' the thought of becoming settled in this job, or settled in one place for that matter. And then another part of me thinks, "You are not your job. Your job does not define who you are." You know the whole thing- 'it doesn't matter what you are doing, but how you are doing it'. Why can't I just be thankful that I actually have a job and just chill out? So I am having conflicting thoughts.
Anyways... what am I asking exactly? Basically, how do I find what role I want 'work' to play in my life? Is there something I am 'meant' to do? How do I find it? How do I find the courage to allow the creativity to flow that would help me with all this?
Sorry if I'm all over the place... thanks again for all the guidance.
OK. The first thing that showed up is that you about 60% connected into the Planetary mind, or mass consciousness, which means that you are too connected into mass consciousness thinking. Mass consciousness thinking is on a much less evolved level of evolution, still caught up in fear and victim consciousness. An analogy would be someone caught up in a mob rather then thinking for themselves what the right action is that they need to take. It is very important to disconnect from that. You can do this by cutting any energetic cords or energy that connects you to being a part of mass consciousness. I invite you to read the article listed at the end of the home page on Cutting the Cords that Bind You. This will be of use to you in another way, as well, because what seems to be very much at the heart of your difficulties, in a large way, is that some event happened to you, possibly out in nature (?), that has left you quite traumatized. Traumatic post stress syndrome showed up for you. You need to cut the cords to whatever that event was. Does this ring any bells for you? I'm not sure what it means exactly, but it also has something to do with your musculature system (your muscles). Due to this event, you seem to have lost your grounding, which is a 1st chakra, or (appropriately) "root" chakra issue. As you said, you're "all over the place." That speaks of a loss of grounding. To recover that grounding, or sense of stability and self support, after you cut the cords to this event, you need to run the white light through your entire body, beginning at the top of the head, all the way through the feet, and send it three feet into the earth. I'd do this twice a day, actually for the next 3 weeks.
Then, to continue with this healing, imagine a glowing fire engine red gently spinning wheel of light at your first chakra - at the base of the spine - and ask that "anything that needs to be healed, restored, or released for perfect form, health, and functioning, is healed, restored, and released." Then send that red light 3 feet into the earth. Sit with this in meditation, eyes closed, breathing deeply, for 15 minutes twice a day for 2 years. The 1st chakra has to do with issues of Family and group safety - which is where we get our grounding from. What keeps showing up for you over and over about this first chakra issue is that you seem to have been blown out and disorientated by the pace of life of others that you experienced as a child in your family. It was too much for you and left you unable to assimilate what you experienced. I think that this is why you feel unable to create your own pace of life as an adult - i.e., what you ought to be doing regarding life work or what kind of lifestyle you'd rather be living that is right and good for you, and that you love. This pattern of living a lifestyle inappropriate for you got created and ingrained early on so you think that you have to live a pace of life that doesn't suit you and in which you will always feel overwhelmed: you think you simply have to endure it... as a child would feel that they have no choice but to try to keep up with the family and endure whatever it is doing, regarding a lifestyle or pace of life, because it's your only survival base. A child doesn't have the option to leave the family if what they are doing goes against what you are needing - but an adult can do so, and create it differently for oneself. Remember and recognize that this is only a program - not a reality of what has to be - that got developed when you were little. It is a FALSE belief. You need to cut any cords that are still operating holding you to that belief. You can create any lifestyle that you choose, that is, in fact, right for you.
Now, it's interesting that in order to create for yourself what you need - you are also needing to develop a greater strength of will power. You are too weak willed currently, and this power of will needs to be strengthened. Your mode of operation up to now has been to go into defense - to be on the defensive, and that comes from feeling victimized, or still living from victim consciousness, and inferior. You are not a victim. You are not inferior or powerless. You are the Creator of your life. It will be important for you to truly get this in order to be able to create what you desire. You can hear the victim energy in yourself when you say: "But this part of me still feels unfulfilled, like I can't 'stomach' the thought of becoming settled in this job, or settled in one place for that matter." And then another part of me thinks, "You are not your job. Your job does not define who you are." You know the whole thing- 'it doesn't matter what you are doing, but how you are doing it'. Why can't I just be thankful that I actually have a job and just chill out? So I am having conflicting thoughts."
It's interesting to me also, very much, when you say you can't "stomach" being in that job or settling down - because the stomach is the 3rd chakra - or center of the will. So your will is already telling you what's right and not right for you. The conflicting thoughts are between that part of you that knows what you want and that you are the Creator of your life, the creative self that knows what is right for you, and the other voice comes in - the victim voice, that says "Oh well, sigh.... just accept what you've got and be grateful at least that you are surviving, even if the surviving isn't fulfilling or anywhere close to what I really need to be happy." Surviving isn't enough. Enjoying life is what it's all about, dear one. That voice comes from the child who, yes, survived, but who had to accept how life was for her and didn't feel she had any say or options about it, even though it did not feel right to her. Which part do you want to GO for, and which do you want to release? Because you were so blown out by the pace of life you experienced with your family, there is an issue showing up regarding "a Fear of new surroundings." This also stops you from changing locations or jobs or going where it is best for you to go. That fear needs to be released and a new belief and emotion put in its place. You can use the formula for changing core beliefs found in the Laws of the Universe to do this. I hope that you play with this one and transform it, as it will bring you freedom.
I invite you to read the Laws of the Universe, if you haven't done so already - and read it again, if you have. Focus on these issues as you read it, and see what you come away with.
You also need to do some healing work on the 2nd chakra as well, as you foresaw. Do the same thing as you did for the 1st chakra, except you focus on the pubic/pelvic area and visualize a beautiful, glowing orange light there. You do not send that light into the earth, however.
The 7th chakra showed up also - this is the crown chakra, or connection to Higher Consciousness center, and one of the areas it deals with is values, ethics, and courage. This says to me, and affirms what we've been already talking about: your need to develop your own values for yourself, and the need to develop your will, or courage, to do so. To develop a real connection to your real self, and the lifestyle that matches that.
The issue of manic-depression showed up, and when I asked if there was anything specific for you to do regarding that, the answer was that as you heal, explore, deal with, and transform what has been offered here, that will be taken care of.
Another issue that showed up for you to explore and transform has to do with Social relationships - you need to have more empathy toward others and to develop more of a softness and warmth and tolerance in communication. There is resentment in your space that comes out at others, that others feel, perhaps due to the feeling/belief that you have held that you did not have, or have not had the power to create the life you want, or because you feel that others did not have empathy for your needs growing up: that you had to move at the pace of others... All of this has caused your verbal communications to be sharp and for you to be cutting with your words. That needs to change - if you choose for it to. Now this does not mean that you don't speak your truth, at all - but that you learn to do so in a way that is not inappropriate or harmful to others and does not come loaded with old baggage and an old emotion. Your heart is needing some healing, and as you work with this, compassion begins to develop. As you let go of the need to come from being defensive - which is an issue of feeling inferior - then you will develop empathy and compassion for others, as well as for yourself. Always ask yourself silently, when in any situation and you start to feel triggered or upset - tune in and ask: "Do I have inferiority up?" If the answer is "yes", then tell yourself gently that you are not inferior and that feeling that way comes from a false belief about yourself. Then, let that go, breathe into your heart deeply, and allow yourself to breathe in feelings of love and support and self worth, and respect for yourself.
As you do this, you will find that your tendency to be too serious will begin to re-balance, and you will find that you are operating out of a deeper sense of cheerfulness and balance in your life.
To help with all of this, what showed up that would be beneficial for you is to do some holotropic breathwork sessions to get in touch with this stuff, which is probably locked in the body pretty deeply - and release it. I invite you to see if you can find a holotropic breathwork practitioner near you and have a minimum of 7 sessions. Very powerful and deeply healing work.
Also, using the Aura-Soma quintessence, the Maha Chohan or Great Teacher essence will encourage positive qualities and help in the release of feelings that need to be expressed. This can be ordered at firstname.lastname@example.org. It's an essence that is either sprayed or rubbed on the body. I'd put it on your heart, and it smells delicious. You smell it first, as it uses principles of aromatherapy as well as other things, and then rub it on your heart - I'd say at least twice a day.
It appears, my guidance informs me, that you have candida - candida is an excess of too much yeast, which is a form of parasite, in the body. It thrives on sugar, sweet things, sweet fruits (sour apples are ok), carbohydrates that turn into sugar in the body, fermented foods, sodas, fruit juices etc., as well as on yeast products, such as are found in breads. Candida has some severe effects on the body, including deep muscle pain, mood swings, depression, rashes, bloating, deep fatigue - it can really very badly affect the body and throw the system off balance and health in a major way. It will be important to cleanse your system of this - a certain amount of yeast in the body is appropriate, but when there is too much it is like having a parasitic invasion - and because it sustains itself on certain foods, you probably experience a continual craving for sweets, bread, etc. So, if you choose to rid yourself of candida, what you need to do is stop eating the foods that cause it to multiply, and then take caprylic acid capsules, found in most health food stores, which kills yeast - it's a natural product - for at least 21 days. There are other products that kill yeast as well that you can find in any health food store in the candida cleanse supplement area. When you start taking the capsules, begin with 1 three times a day for 4 days. Then move up to 2 three times a day for the rest of the time. Since you are cleansing, if you begin too fast, taking too much at once, you can detox too rapidly and you will feel quite ill. After that, watch your intake of the foods that cause candida.
One more thing - a good meditation to use when you want to create or manifest in your life, is using the power of the archetypal sounds of creation found in the word "Shalom". The "AH" sound is the sound of creation. When something we like that feels good or is delicious comes our way, we say "Ahhhh", right? And the sound of "Om" is the great Higher consciousness, the total harmony vibration. So, you breathe in, inhaling, and say "AH" silently, and then you exhale saying "Om". Or, you can simply say "Shalommmmmm" as you exhale. Have a clear, specific intention very focused in your mind, as you say this, of what you are choosing to create and bring into form. It is also good to add that what you create is for your Highest Good and for the Highest Good of all. This word carries the energy of the Alpha and the Omega - the full circle of life. I'd do this meditation for at least 15 minutes twice a day for a month when you are choosing to create something.