"My boyfriend stares at other girls and makes me feel inadequate"
Dear Ayal ...
Firstly, I would like to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed reading through the contents of your site. Enjoyment and entertainment aside, your words have inspired me to examine my own life more closely, and to determine whether or not some of your advice applies to certain shortcomings and problems within my own life.
That being said, I have a serious concern with that "special someone" in my life. I am 22 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for about seven months. A month before we started dating seriously, I had just ended a relationship with another man, who I chose to break things off with because I didn't feel that he met my needs emotionally or sexually. We dated for 2 years, and were living together for 1 and a half. I never felt like I could have a conversation with him, he always seemed to be "somewhere else", so-to-speak, and I think because of our lack of communication and understanding, our sex life went from being very healthy in the beginning to being almost non-existent in the end. It's not because he didn't want to have sex, but that I no longer felt anything closely resembling intimacy with him, thus making it almost impossible for me to become "totally intimate" with him.
About a month or so after I broke things off with my ex, I started dating someone else. At first I assumed that he would be a "rebound", but we started spending so much time together that I developed very strong feelings for him, and assumed that he had also. In the beginning, I found him exciting, fun and risqué to a certain point. It did bother me that he would talk about having sex with other females all the time (though he wasn't at the time, he would just make references about either wanting to or coming close to having sex with other females). He was actually very immature in some of the things he would say and do, for instance mentioning how attractive he found friends of mine, turning on pornographic films, and talking about how he was still "in love" with other girls. In the beginning I didn't think much of it, mostly because I didn't think it would last the whole 7 months it has, the sex was great and I enjoyed spending time with him as a friend. I can't express how much his blatant staring at other girls, making crude comments, and expressing his desires for people other than me (sometimes even IN BED after having sex) hurt me and still hurt me to this day.
I've spoken to him several times about how much this has hurt me and made me feel used and unappreciated, almost like a piece of meat. In the past 3 months, he's been there for me. He's helped me through some tough times, listened, and been a very good friend. He's been there emotionally, kept his word about everything and really been a big help. The problem is, that he still stares at other girls sometimes (I don't mean glancing in that general direction either, but actual gazing), and sometimes I feel like he will actually go as far as to put down these girls so that I won't be hurt. I honestly feel like he does it to throw me off balance sometimes. Because of this, I just can't trust him. I always feel like he's looking over my shoulder for something (someone) better. Sometimes I don't feel like I will ever be adequate because of how he acts in this manner. Have I been settled for? Is this a personal insecurity issue or are these legitimate concerns?
Any help would be greatly appreciated, I am at a loss for how to feel or what to think of this all. I am actually on the verge of breaking up with him because I feel like he always has one foot out the door. Thanks Ayal!!!
Sincerely, a confused soul.
Well, here's a key thing for you to look at. Confusion means that you have given your power over to someone else: it's as if you have vacated the driver's seat of your own spirit and think it's up to someone else to take over and move you around in life. You say: "I don't feel like I will ever be adequate because of how he acts in this manner."
You say that YOU don't know if you will feel adequate because of how HE acts. How does how HE acts have anything to do with whether or not you feel adequate? If you feel adequate, it's because YOU like yourself, and you have CHOSEN to feel that way. It's your choice how YOU feel, no one else's. Is it up to him to "make" you feel adequate by doing this or that? Can someone else even "make" you feel a certain way? In other words, since your feelings come from inside of you, are generated by YOU from the INSIDE out, can he crawl inside of your skin and "make" you have a certain feeling? If that were true, you'd only be a puppet subject to the whims of whatever person you were with. Is who you are dependent upon that? Do they pull your strings? If, in one minute he says "you're beautiful, and the next he says "you're ugly", do you rise instantly and then fall or crash and burn depending on some passing mood he has? The answer, of course, is no. That's an exhausting way to live, like a leaf in the wind... and it is also not coming from truth. The truth is that you have your own power, that you make and are responsible your own choices, that what you believe is up to you and no one else, that you breath your own breath, and that you are not a puppet with strings.
I get letter after letter missing this basic keystone about how life works. How you feel, or what goes on for you in your life is NEVER about another person, place or thing. No one can create in your reality but you. Only YOU can make yourself feel a certain way. It's a CHOICE. That's why I put the Laws of the Universe on the site, to explain this and give people this information. That's also why one person could hear "you're ugly" and just laugh at it, and another would be crushed by it. The person who laughs does not believe it, or buy into it. They have another belief about themselves, so it's like water off a duck's back. The person who is crushed has that belief already, and hearing it only confirms for them. It's all about what you choose to believe about yourself and life. That's why people's realities and the lives they create for themselves are different.
If you ALREADY have feelings of inadequacy going on, then how surprised are you that you would attract, or manifest in your life someone who mirrors that issue for you, someone who simply plays out that role for you? You wrote the script, which says "I'm not good enough", and you are the creator of your own life story, and you are the director of your play, so you bring in actors who will play the parts you wrote for them, that fit in with your script. Get it? You could only attract someone who would look at other women and talk about other women if he matched the pattern that you operate out of already, which is, "I'm not good enough", or "I'm someone people settle for". Because of that program, or script you have going for yourself, as soon as there would be times when someone, like your ex, wasn't constantly feeding that need of yours to be reassured (through conversation, or closeness, or whatever) that you ARE good enough, you'd get scared and anxious , I think, and assume that something was wrong. Then, you'd bolt because the overwhelming fear would rise up, unconsciously, that he wasn't talking to you anymore because something was wrong with you, and that's a place that is so terrifying to face that you'd leave rather than face that issue. It's not true that you aren't good enough, but the fear you have that you are inadequate is running your life.
Read the Laws of the Universe (and the article found listed at the end of the home page about Creating Your Own Reality) and, when you really understand what it says, work with the formula for changing core beliefs found there to change this core belief you operate out of.
Dear Ayal ...
Wow. You certainly know how to tell someone "how it is", which is probably something that I needed to know in order to move forward with my life. I understand what you're saying about me being "in control of everything", but sometimes we are deceived and we let our emotions take us over. Unfortunately I love the guy, and even though I knew from the beginning that he was selfish and immature in certain ways, I allowed him to become a major part of my life. The problem is that I was vulnerable and he always seemed to be there for me, which is another weakness on my part that I need to deal with.
Thanks for your time and advice, you have really helped me to see things in a different perspective.
Here's how it works: when you change the wavelength or vibrational pattern you are operating out of - in other words, when you face and transform these issues in yourself, your external world changes to match your new pattern. It has to, as the external world operates as a mirror of our internal world, or our vibrational wavelength. So, if this guy is meant to be in your life, his energy patterns will also have to change, and he will also mature and grow, to be with you to mirror and match your new pattern. If he doesn't change, then his soul is not making the choice to grow, and then you will attract someone else who fits this new and healthier pattern you are operating out of and broadcasting out into life.
Emotions only deceive us if we do not explore ourselves and do not do our inner work. The way to go through life successfully, to be clear, is to continually look at yourself, what you are manifesting in your life, and ask "What in me creates it this way?" This works for both beneficial as well as dysfunctional stuff. Ask and ye shall receive. Any question you ask in meditation, or when you do your inner explorations, will be answered if you sit with it calmly, look inward, and open to receive clarity, wisdom, and truth.