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Clearing the Way

"I feel so alone and disconnected from everyone, including my own family"

Hi! Ayal. My name is Wayne and I am 39 years old. I have been having a problem mixing with people. I feel so alone and disconnected from everyone, including my own family. I seem to not find anything that makes me happy. I work night shift so it is hard for me to meet people but that is just an excuse because when I worked during the day I had problems meeting people on a personal level also. I am living with a family of a son and father who have a lot of anger issues. The son is always using me as a sounding board for everything that he is angry about which makes me stressed out. Getting him to see how this affects me is not possible at this time. Trying to stay clear of him is not possible either because he goes out of his way to make sure you know he is upset by cussing or throwing temper tantrums usually both. It seems that he wants me to hurt and be as angry as he is. The father on the other hand is very reclusive and irritable and makes me feel that I am invading his privacy. Needless to say, it is not a healthy, happy situation for anyone. I feel stuck. I have no friends except co-workers who just love idle gossip so I can't confide with them. A little while back I became sexually involved with a co-worker named Dan. He acted like he loved me and I thought I had finally found MR. Right but it seems that it was just a game to him. The thrill of the conquest or something bigger or better seems to be what he is all about. Now the only friend I thought I had here seems to be avoiding me but also keeping me by a leash setting up plans for us to do things together and than declining at the last minute. I feel like he is just playing mind games with me. Does he not know that this hurts me? I do not get intimately involved with someone just for shits and grins. Maybe the universe is trying to show me something I just haven't got the drift of yet. I find it difficult to let go of him even convincing myself that I was pregnant with his child, which is crazy seeing that I am a man even though I have always felt I should have been a girl. I find work stressful and home stressful. When I am home after working my 12 hour night shifts at the hospital all I seem to want to do is sleep because I am physically tired and emotionally drained from work pressure and home pressure. Ayal what can I do for things to get better?

Hi - well, it sounds to me like what is going on is that on a major level, you are disconnected from yourself, first and foremost. You mentioned that you felt you ought to have been a girl, but, you are in a man's body. So, right there is a split within yourself of who you feel you are, but how you have manifested in this life. That is a difficult path to reconcile. I wonder if you have considered having a sex change operation? That way, you would be lessening the split between who you are on the inside with who you are on the outside. That in itself, I think, would help you to connect more authentically with others, without the feelings of isolation. If you are having to hide, on some level, who you really are, then that would make connecting with others feel threatening.

You're not a victim, but you are living and thinking like one. You have choices you can make that will make your life easier.

When you say: "I am living with a family of son and father who have a lot of anger issues. The son is always using me as a sounding board for everything that he is angry about which makes me stressed out. Getting him to see how this affects me is not possible at this time. Trying to stay clear of him is not possible either because he goes out of his way to make sure you know he is upset by cussing or throwing temper tantrums usually both. It seems that he wants me to hurt and be as angry as he is. The father on the other hand is very reclusive and irritable and makes me feel that I am invading his privacy. Needless to say, it is not a healthy, happy situation for anyone. I feel stuck. I have no friends except co-workers who just love idle gossip so I can't confide with them." All of this is poor me stuff where you feel put upon by others and see no way out. You see yourself as hapless and helpless and powerless to change things for yourself. How come? Where does that belief come from that you are powerless to make things better for yourself? How come you think that you have to continue living in or being in situations that don't feel right to you? Do you see how having this belief could even result in your creating having a body this time around that does not feel right to you, and that you feel stuck in? You CAN change that, as you can change anything else you choose to. You create your life from your beliefs. And right now, your beliefs say that you are helpless, and that it's everyone else doing things to you that you are powerless to remove yourself from. do you see that?

Please read the Laws of the Universe found on this site in order to see how you are not a victim, but the Creator of your life. You need that information.

If you have created living with a family that has a lot of anger issues, then realize that they are truly operating as mirrors for your own anger, and your own frustration with life. They are also mirroring your feelings of being stuck, as they also seem frustrated with, and stuck in their lives. You will attract a similar energy to yourself (like attracts like) until you change your own energetic make-up and patterns. YOU need to face these beliefs that have you living as a victim and release them. Choose other beliefs that will allow you to create the life you want. No one else is DOING anything to you. That's the main sucker hole you're stuck in right there. Your own beliefs about yourself and life are keeping you stuck.

You have no friends because you are not being a good friend to yourself. A friend gives you what you enjoy. However, YOU are not giving yourself what you need or enjoy. Firstly, you need to be able to be a friend to yourself. When you do that, the Universe will mirror that energy back to you.

Chanting would be a good thing for you to do - singing chants to God, Spirit, etc. I'd invite you to do so for 20 minutes each day, twice a day. You can buy tapes or CD's to sing along with. Chanting to God is called half the battle, in terms of being on the path to Self Realization, or enlightenment.

Also, you need to do some healing work on your 2nd chakra. That chakra is distorted because that's where you are holding a lot of these false beliefs. The 2nd chakra is located at the pelvic/genital area. Sit in meditation, and tune into that area, and just ask that you receive information and guidance as to what you need to do to heal that chakra. Be open to receiving.

Blessings, Ayal

375. "I have found myself falling into a constant state of hate, anxiety and jealousy"


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