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"I have found myself falling into a constant state of hate, anxiety and jealousy"

Dear Ayal,

This is the first time I have ever written an e-mail dealing with my emotional state, and I hope that you could advise me on how I could improve my current state of mind. I have found myself falling into a constant state of hate, anxiety and jealousy. Since graduating university this summer, I have found no happiness or success in finding work, and my self esteem and confidence (which has always been below average) has plummeted to an all time low. I find myself competing with every woman I see - even to ridiculous measures of materialistic things. I genuinely feel discomfort towards confident, happy people, even though I long to be like them. I isolate myself from social events because I fear I am going to blush and sweat and be judged. I hate myself for being so shallow and rotten, and I dearly wish to get rid of these evil thoughts and to return to being the real me. The man I love has found so much success since my recent failures, and I resent him when I want to be proud of him. I am happy and proud for him, but I hate the way resentment and jealousy comes in. I even find myself getting upset if he is friends with beautiful and confident women.... I am sick with worry that I will not get out of this place, and I fear I will lose him eventually. I try positive thoughts which last for a little time, but anything can trigger me to lose it. I used to be very happy, if not a little shy and timid, and I hate myself. I need to boost my confidence now. I really need your advice and help.

Well, what is showing up first for you is a fear of being discarded. Where does that come from? If you have a core belief that you will be discarded, then you will live as you described living in your letter. I invite you to ask in meditation what are the origins of this belief. Find out where it came from, and then do the work to release it and replace it with a belief that you'd rather have about yourself and life. (See The Laws of the Universe found on this site for the formula to change core beliefs).

This seems to be an old, ancestral issue in your family. You need to work with your chakras, big time, and clear them up. The way you balance the energies of the body through chakra clearing is to sit down each day for perhaps 30 minutes, in a quiet space, with eyes closed, as you would sit quietly in prayer or meditation, breathing slowly and deeply until you are very calm and relaxed. When you are relaxed, beginning at the base of your spine, at the tailbone, you visualize a beautiful, glowing, fire engine red gently spinning wheel of light filling up that area. You ask with each chakra that it be restored 100% to perfect health, form, and functioning - that whatever needs to be restored, be restored, and whatever needs to be corrected be corrected. When you sense that you are complete with that chakra, you move up the body and visualize a beautiful gently spinning wheel of orange light at your reproductive area. Repeat the process. Then, moving up the body, see a bright yellow spinning wheel of light at the navel area. Remember, as you do this, you are asking silently that each area you are visualizing be cleared and brought back to perfect health and functioning. Then you move up to the heart and visualize a glowing spinning wheel of emerald green light there. Then on up to the throat, where you clear that area by seeing a beautiful spinning wheel of sky blue light. Then up to the brow, the center of the forehead, where you see a glowing, gently spinning wheel of indigo light. Then to the crown of the head, where you see a beautiful, gently spinning wheel of violet light.

Even if you are not adept at being visual or seeing these colors, just by saying to yourself that that color is there will begin the healing for you.

To finish, surround yourself with a beautiful, glowing white light. Visualize it totally filling you up from head to toe as well. There are actually minor chakras, or light intersection points, which function and serve as intersecting energy vortexes in the body, bringing energy into the physical body from the universal energy grid. Besides the major seven centers, these minor chakra points number144, to be exact. Simply ask that they all be lit up with white light - similar to imagining oneself lit up like a bright starry sky or a Christmas tree.

I'd sit in meditation and do this twice a day for 3 months, 30 minutes each time. Then once a day from then on. There are issues for you to clear up in each chakra.

For you, the issue in the 1st chakra seems to have to do with not believing that you can take care of yourself or provide for life's necessities. Explore that, and see where that came from. Feel what it feels like to instead know that you are capable and wonderful and powerful and full of light. That you are, in effect, made up of God consciousness, the stuff of life, of Universal Intelligence. See your roots going deep into the earth, as a great tree's roots do, giving nourishment and support. Feel that.

In the 2nd: blame and guilt. That's victim stuff.

3rd: self esteem, fear and intimidation, which dictate how you relate to the outside world

4th: love and hatred. You use the word hate a lot about yourself. That is very, very self destructive and against the essence of your true being, which is Love. Feeling hatred closes your heart, so how can you feel good about yourself if you can't support yourself FROM THE INSIDE with love and encouragement and validation?

5th: choice and strength of will/self expression. Use your choices and your will to CHOOSE how you want to believe: choose beliefs that support you, not denigrate or harm you.

6th: self evaluation - how you choose to see and evaluate yourself presently is very negative. That's up to you to change, if you CHOOSE to.

7th: an inability to trust life - or, the essence of what life is - which again, is Love.

There is an issue showing up about you being willing to own your own femininity, as well. That is also your Creative Power. How come you aren't being willing to do that? What stops you, and what would happen if you did?

Read the Laws of the Universe found on this site until you get an "aha" about it all. You need to see life from a new and much clearer perspective.

Meanwhile, taking hawthorn as a dietary supplement would be good for you and help in some physical bodily support, which is an external manifestation of what you need to do for yourself ON THE INSIDE.

There are 3 main ways we keep ourselves in resistance to being who we truly are, or connecting with our Higher Self.

  • The first is to be defensive.
  • The second is to be in denial.
  • The third is to be rebellious.

I think you are in denial of who you really are. That is why you choose hatred over love, fear over love, jealousy over self worth, fear over self expression, etc.

So, are you afraid to connect with who you truly are, or the spiritual truth of who you are? How come? What would happen if you did?

Blessings, Ayal

374. "Criticism in childhood has given me a life-long inner feeling of shame"


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