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"What if someone reacts in a negative way when I speak my truth?"

Dear Ayal,

I wrote to you a couple of weeks ago and in your answer you affirmed that I needed to speak my truth and stop judging myself (and hence others). Thank you so much for your answer; since then I've felt a sense of peace and it is such a relief. I know it's only been a couple of weeks - and there are bound to be fluctuations in how I feel - but I think this fundamental change in consciousness will stay with me always, withstanding fluctuations. Thank you.

I'm hoping you will provide some guidance on something that's emerged for me as a result. I get that when one speaks their truth from a place of non judgment and non blame, it doesn't cause the harm we fear it will - it's our fear that perpetuates the belief that it will. And how others react to speaking our truth is their 'thing'. But what if someone chooses to react to it in a negative way, e.g., getting sick. I've seen guilt used against me in the past, and now I've associated speaking thoughts that others may not agree with or be threatened by with making them sick. I have morbid thoughts, for example that I will cause my mum's high blood pressure to rise and I will ultimately kill her. So how do we reconcile our desire to speak our truth with the fear and guilt instilled in us that it may hurt others - even though it's their own decision to react this way? Any guidance you have would be much appreciated. I don't want to take up too much time or energy. You're very generous and I don't want to take 'advantage'.

Thank you for what you do for so many people.


Hi Glad you are feeling better and that you found our sharing useful.

So, to answer your question - it all depends on HOW you share your truth. If you can share it calmly and factually, from the "I" place, observing how you feel and then simply sharing that from a factual place: "I feel sad when...." or "I realize I have anger about--------" or "I don't want to receive negative energy, so therefore I realize I need to --------", without loading it with blame or shame or guilt, or any heavy duty emotional charge, then you are doing your job, and taking responsibility for how you feel. No one else can MAKE you or cause you to feel a certain way. How you choose to feel and react or respond to ANYTHING is your choice. It comes from within you, is self generated, is a choice, and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else. So, to blame another for how you choose to feel is not appropriate. If you are putting out "YOU" statements, such as "YOU did this" or YOU do that", or "YOU'RE such a so and so-----", or "YOU made me feel bad" or "YOU hurt me" ( instead of "I felt hurt when.......", then you are sharing from blame and shame. That won't get you anywhere, and is destructive. And again, feeling hurt by something is a personal choice on your part, but you can still share what went on for you during a certain exchange or interaction, and that can be useful information for another, and healing for you.

A great book for you to read is Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication. Read it through at least once, and more if you can. It's the kind of book that is important to read over and over again, to help one get out of the old, non-functional and ingrained behaviors we learned and learn how to communicate in new ways. It's a good book, and easy to read.

So, no, you are not responsible for how another takes your communication - but at the same time, we can use it destructively, and that has consequences. Since we have the choice to use energy as we will, choosing to use energy destructively has karma attached to it. And, since life will mirror your own use of energy back to you, if you use communication destructively, that will come back to you, as well, in one form or another.

One other thought about communicating - we DO have to tune into whether or not another person is ready or even able to hear what we have to say. Sometimes, it's very clear that sharing one's truth in certain situations will do no good and is not appropriate. Either the timing is not right, or they are not ready - so, then, you listen to that inner guidance, you ask if this is the right time to share something, inwardly, and you do not share in that particular instance if the answer you get is no, divine timing is not right yet for this to happen. Sometimes other things need to happen first before a situation can work out - other pieces of the puzzle have to be put into place in the scheme of things - so, then, in that case, one doesn't share, not from fear, but from a clear awareness that the other is not at a point where they can receive it. That takes clarity and inner strength and refinement, as well.

So, if your mother has not developed enough strength, emotionally, yet, to handle another person's truth, well, then she's not a person you CAN share your truth with. That's called discernment. However, if she has put out that no one can confront her with truth because she might die - if that's just an excuse on her part to avoid facing the truth, then that's manipulation. Then you have a decision to make - you can not buy into the game she is playing, and speak your truth to her about that, or, if she is absolutely committed to playing it that way, all you can do is detach yourself from playing the game with her, and you take yourself elsewhere. If she is literally, physically or emotionally frail however, and does not have the energy or where with all to deal with things, then you honor that.

Blessings, Ayal

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