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"What do you do when you love someone, but fear their past?"

I have this boy that i am madly in love with, but he might have had a kid with someone i hate. I want us to work out, but i fear the answer might be that it is his kid and i will leave. What do you do when you love someone, but fear their past? In need of answers...

Well, I think that if someone has made a child, that absolutely needs to be known and made clear. When you say he "might have had a kid", it makes it sound as if having a child is a "by the way" of no importance kind of thing. Having a child is probably the biggest and most important thing another human being can or ever will do on this planet, and bringing a life into being is NOT EVER to be taken lightly. It is a monumental job and a gigantic challenge and responsibility that you take on, with deep love, for the rest of your life. So, pardon my bluntness, but what I would say to you first of all is this: if either you, or he, is taking his having a child lightly, then neither one of you is ready to be in a relationship.

I think your question about fearing his past is a valid one. If you don't even know if he is a father, or what kind of father he is, or if he cares for his child, if he is taking responsibility for his actions, then what do you really know about him? What kind of person is he? If YOU got pregnant with him, let's say, (hopefully NOT) could you trust him to be there for YOU and your child? Or would he cut and run and say "too bad, bab. See ya around."? What would he do? It sounds to me as if you need to find out a lot more about him and what kind of inner strength of character and values he has. And what do YOU value in someone? What kind of person do you want in your life? If he is being a good father, and being responsible, and not messing around and taking how he effects the lives of either women or children lightly - having his fun and then walking out on them - then I'd say you don't need to fear his past, if he learned and deeply grew from what happened, and is now a caring and mature human being. And if he does have a child, are you ready and willing to love that child also, if you choose to be in a relationship with him? Because that goes along with the picture.

Also, you say he maybe had a child with someone you hate. Well, there are a lot of maybes going on here, which, as I said, tells me that you don't really know what's truth here, or what this guy is like, or into. Secondly, hating is a very powerful and destructive emotion. If you are choosing to hate another human being, then you are putting out violence into the world. Do you want to do that? Do you want to add to the pain and violence and suffering already in this world? Do you think a young woman who has a child to take care of now, and who may be all alone with it, deserves your hatred - or your compassion? The fact that you are choosing to hate someone instead of looking for the good in a person, or feeling for her troubles and situation, tells me that you have a lot of growing up to do.

How can you really know how to love someone else, if you can hate so easily? When you can feel kindness and understanding and caring for other people, then you are ready to be in a relationship.

Blessings, Ayal

369. "I feel like a part of me is telling me to give up, that I cannot succeed"


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