"I can't decide whether to go for a better job - or to do something else"
I feel I am stuck. I can't decide I what I want. Even though I have the qualification to start a new profession, I am not actively looking for a training position. Instead, I am trying to hold on to a lowly paid temp job. You see, I am 45 and scared that my age is a big issue. Also, I was dramatically fired from a position a few years ago the experience of which I feel I haven't been able to get over (it was to prove myself, after I had been fired, that I returned to school and obtained that qualification).
While I was pondering what I really want (for over a year now), something else happened.
A week ago, I sat at a drop-in Buddhist talk (I have started to do that for about a year). The topic was re-incarnation. When the teacher monk assured us that we have come from somewhere and that we are going somewhere, I started to cry (there were times when I cried now and then during some of the Buddhist talks). We then started to meditate centering around re-incarnation when I simply couldn't stop crying. The urge to cry was so great, my body shook (and continued to shake even after the tears had stopped). Apparently, there were a number of others like me and the teacher remarked afterwards that people cried because they had heard of the teachings in their previous life.
Now I wonder if my not moving forward is because despite me at the worldly level wishing to prove to the world and to have money (I am in debt) and a good life, my subconscious wants me to be doing something else. And the latter might have been trying to communicate with me for a while now.
While I have always been overwhelmed by emotions easily, about 6 months ago, I started to have watery discharge. I have seen a few health practitioners, still I am not about to cure it altogether.
Because I have not been able to find a training position after graduation, I got indigestion with bulging stomach and felt sad, depressed and tired easily and you name it. My condition has improved a lot since I enrolled into a personal growth workshop three months ago and have started to meditate every day and taking a 45-min walk regularly about two months ago. I thought in time I would be able to overcome the confidence issue and start to go full force with seeking a meaningful employment. But that has not happened yet and I am still trying to meet end's meet with a temp job that gets extended every three months. And then there was the re-incarnation talk last week.
May be I am meant to more actively develop my spirituality - but my desire in this area is only lukewarm. Because I had been more goal-oriented in the past, I think I would feel "OK/better" if I can get a strong desire to do something -- whatever. I have been trying to tune in with my subconscious without success. I guess I have been using my head for too long and I need to retrain myself to receive the answers I have within me.
Could you shed some light please?
Hello. What is showing up for you in a first chakra issue about "feeling at home", and also a 7th chakra issue about trusting life. There are also issues showing up about feeling discontent and a need for appreciation. I think that means to be grateful, and to spend time each day being aware of what you are grateful for, and speaking it. If one does not feel secure or "at home" wherever one is, it is hard to want to be anywhere full time, as one would then feel uncomfortable or ill at ease in one's surroundings. That can make the idea of holding down a job difficult.
I'm not getting very clear answers for you for some reason. I'll give you what I am getting, and maybe it will make more sense to you. You are needing to release an issue that your ancestors had also - and I think it has to do with the confusion you feel about being successful in the world and being spiritual. You can have both. Everything is intertwined. It isn't one or the other. So, when you make peace with this and resolve it for yourself, it will also help to release this issue from your ancestral line. It's interesting to me that you have a 1st chakra issue, which is family and your ancestors, about feeling at home, which could mean being at home on the planet, or having a more grounded, material life, and the 7th chakra issue, which is your spirituality. You can be grateful for success and happiness, and you can be grateful for incarnating on a planet where you have a place in the scheme of things and an opportunity to learn to work with energy which is also money) and to grow in your understanding. And all of that is part of being spiritual, is it not? It makes sense to me that therefore you have a split, or a conflict with what you see as moral standards, between feeling at home and operating well on the material plane, thinking that it may not be ok to be successful financially and put energy into that, if you think that means you can't also be spiritual. Wouldn't that stop you from manifesting a job and money and success?
Joining a group that deals with creating happiness and success would be good for you. The Option Institute in Massachusetts has some great workshops, if that's a possibility for you.
The only thing I got about the discharge was that it has something to do with food. Perhaps you need to change your diet. More fiery foods might be good for you. Look up the ayurvedic diet, and check out the kinds of food that are more fiery.