"What can I do to mend the relationship with the woman I cheated on?"
I went through the list of questions and couldn't find anything relevant to my situation. I had a loving relationship with a wonderful girl and the past 7 months has been the best time of my life. We see eye to eye, we're at the same level but I did something that broke this relationship in two... That tossed my world upside down and ruined my life. I cheated on my girlfriend with my ex. Me and my ex had been talking and I thought that I could just be friends. I ended up almost sleeping with her - though I didn't, I almost did. I don't know why I did but I did and I take responsibility for it. I realized when I almost slept with my ex that I didn't care for her and that what I did to my girlfriend, was wrong... that I should tell my girlfriend what happened... but instead I hid the truth and concealed it so well that I hid it from myself and didn't want to admit to myself what happened.
My ex wanted me back and so confronted me and my girlfriend and told my girlfriend what happened. I tried telling my girlfriend the entire truth, but for some reason I kept holding something back... I have finally told her everything, I finally admitted everything to myself, but she can't help believe that I'm am still lying. I know that it will take time for her to regain trust, to have any sort of trust in me. My question is this: I am willing to work at this relationship, to fight for it because I know it's worth it, I know that what I felt for her is genuine, that I do want to spend the rest of my life with her... I know I did a horrible thing... What can I do to to mend this relationship to get her back, to make things work? I have to give her time and hopefully she can accept me back... but is there anything I can do to prove to her that what we had is worth fighting for, that I do deserve her trust again?
When you are a trustworthy person, others feel that and respond accordingly. To be a trustworthy person, you first must trust yourself and the choices and decisions you make. It sounds as if you do not yet trust yourself or the choices you make. To make good choices, it is necessary to have a strong sense of who you are and be able to follow through on what you know to be the right thing to do. That takes inner strength. Right now, you have not yet developed the ability to stand up for yourself. That is a first chakra, or family of origin, issue. If you did not grow up in a family where you could stand up for yourself, or if you felt frightened or overpowered by others, then that is a quality and strength you will need to work on and develop.
When it was time to stand up for yourself and tell the truth, as you mentioned, you chose to hide instead. You went into being a very scared little child, and it sounds as if your fear was so great that you even hid the truth from yourself. That's operating out of a huge amount of fear. It will be very important for you to face that fear, to see where it came from, and get beyond it. If you have so much fear that you go into denial, then that is a difficult place to live from or have any kind of truthful relationship with others, or with yourself. Also, when it was time to say no and not get entangled in a situation that would be harmful to you and others, you were not able to do so. That's OK, but now it is time to see what has you being in such fear, and to move past it by facing it and clearing up the issues behind it.
When you have developed the compassion and depth of inner strength that enables you to say: "I will not do this," or "I did this, and I take responsibility for it, and I can still love and respect myself as a soul who is learning and growing on his journey, and I choose to do things differently now", then you will be well on your way. When you have that kind of strength, then others won't be able to tempt you away from what you know to be the right thing to do. You won't give in to their energy, or the energy of the moment, or let some energy overpower you, as you did with your ex. Another energy can only be stronger then yours if YOU BELIEVE that it is, and therefore give that belief power through your own fear. Fear is not Love, and since Love is all there is, then fear must be an illusion. When you face your fear and see it as the illusion that it is, and when you can come from Love instead, which is True Power, much will change for you. People who believe that by overpowering others they have power, are mistaken. That is a misuse of power. True power comes only from Love and an ability to come from Compassion.
I think that it would be a good thing for you to practice speaking your truth in each and every moment. When you feel anxiety coming up for you, or you have a feeling of inferiority or fear come up, take a deep breath and say to yourself: "I am a loving, strong, and clear being" - or something along those lines that feels good to you. Give yourself acceptance and support, and love, and then speak your truth. Using the turquoise Aura-Soma pomander for creative and clear communication from the heart would be a good support for you as well, to help with this. It can be ordered at email@example.com.
You said, in your letter, that you did "something horrible", and you sounded as if you really were judging yourself and making yourself "bad". Yes, you made a choice that had consequences that were not for your best good or the best good of a relationship that is important to you. OK. You learned from that. So, instead of putting yourself down and feeling guilty, which does no one any good, but instead keeps you trapped in self hatred, be compassionate with yourself and CHOOSE to develop what you need to within yourself. Choose to grow and be the kind of strong person you desire to be. Instead of focusing on "bad" or "wrong", FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT NOW YOU SEE WHERE YOU NEED TO GO IN TERMS OF YOUR OW GROWTH, AND GIVE THANKS FOR THAT. That's what the journey is all about.
You also need to be able to be alone more in order to find yourself. Taking time for retreat or seclusion where you can meditate and chant or sing prayers would be a good thing for you to do. You need to be able to depend on YOURSELF. As a great teacher once said: "Seclusion is the price of greatness." We have to be able to be at peace with ourselves, and find out who we truly are. In that way, we are able to trust our Source, or center, the God Self within. The best way to do that is to be with yourself, and do your inner work. So, perhaps even taking a retreat where you can meditate and chant with others would be a good thing for you to do. And then continue it in your own meditative practice daily.
In the meantime, as far as your girlfriend and your relationship is concerned, yes, it will take time. Your job is to become a trustworthy and strong person. To BE that, from the inside out. As you do, she will feel that change in you, if she chooses to continue to be in the relationship. All you can say in the meantime is: "I see where I need to grow, and I am committed to doing that. I am willing to develop this in myself. I hope that you will choose to be with me as I continue learning and growing in this way." And then, you have to really commit to doing the work to become that. It will take time. But if you make that commitment, follow through on it, and be kind, patient, and loving to yourself.