Trans4mind Home Page
Clearing the Way

"My boyfriend states that he likes to have a 'flirtatious' thing with many women"

Hi Ayal,

I have a bit of a problem that I'd love some help with. I have been dating a guy for 12 months now who I feel very strongly about but with insecurities such as mine, I fear I shall lose him. He also suffers from extreme insecurity relating to his mother giving him away as a child. I recently, very stupidly, read his text messages and found sent messages to a number of females, saying stuff like, please talk to me, you know how I feel about you... etc etc. And giving the impression of another relationship. When I confronted him he firstly was annoyed about going through his phone and then stated that he has a 'flirtatious' thing with many women - however, he swears that this is as far as it goes. He states that he needs to feel wanted by more people than just myself. He spends almost all his spare time with me, which makes me doubt there is time for another relationship, but my distrust in him has increased. He stated that he likes to get women to want him and then cut off all contact with them.

I understand this as recently a good friend of mine who told me he has been in love with me for some time, cut off all contact. I wanted the affection he often showed me back, although I would never cheat on my boyfriend. Often, when I ask where he is going, he replies..."out" and if I ask further questions, he gets angry saying that I don't trust him. He says he has to have his own life and needs to keep some areas free from me. I respect that... but, do you feel that I am trying to keep hold of a relationship that is going nowhere. As I'm only 21, I think I need some strong advice.

Well, it sounds as if your boyfriend is trying to get the love he never got from his mother from other women, and then he punishes them by cutting off contact with them as a way to perhaps vent the anger he feels towards her. That is not a healthy situation, or a healthy way to handle the issues he has. It's fine for you to feel empathy for another's behavior, but that still doesn't mean that the behavior is healthy. I think that if you choose to have a healthy relationship, you both need to face your issues in a clearer and healthier way. If he is not willing to do that, then you may have some decisions to make, if your choice is to be in a healthy relationship. Instead of fearing that you will lose him, and simply accepting your insecurities, what do you need to do to transform those issues for yourself? It almost sounds as if you are just accepting that you have these issues and that's just the way it is. That is not taking your own power to create you being the way you choose to be, or creating your life as you choose for it to be, yes?

I think that there are issues here of you feeling a bit lost, as I'm sure he also has issues of feeling lost and alone and frightened, as a small child would feel when abandoned. This is a deep issue that will take commitment and time to heal. I think that trying to get love or validation from others isn't the answer. You both need to make the connection to your center, to your own inner love, power, and self appreciation. When one loves oneself, one does not abandon oneself. When we do not love ourselves, then in effect, we HAVE abandoned ourselves, and that will manifest in the world as others also abandoning us. Your boyfriend needs to release this issue of abandonment, (as do you) for he is perpetuating it by then abandoning others, which keeps a very yucky loop or cycle going. You also need to develop that inner Love for yourself in order to heal this issue of inferiority. There are many ways to do this, of course. One way is meditation, and connecting on a daily basis to Source. Another way is to use the formula for changing core beliefs found in the Laws of the Universe on this site. Another road might be therapy.

I also think that there is a lot of negative energy in your space and his from what has gone on, and it would be good to clear both of your spaces. To do this, I suggest that you imagine a glowing white light above your head, and then allow it to flow through your body, down through your feet and into the earth. The surround yourself with a glowing white light all around your body. State that only the highest energy of unconditional love now be allowed into your space, that it fills up your being, that you are willing, ready, and able to love yourself, and that you are now willing also to connect to others from this place of unconditional love. I'd do this twice a day for 3 months.

Blessings, Ayal

362. "When I say shut up to my sister she hates me so much"


Click here to donate & send a question to Ayal:
Clearing the Way   |   Laws of the Universe   |   Recommended Links

Looking for personal healing?

Trans4mind Training is our series of online, interactive video workshops. We present the most effective methods of holistic personal development, combined with support from expert life coaches.
Making your heartfelt dreams come true.