"People have said many hurtful things about me and I believe them"
Hi. I am so sad. I have been an insecure person all of my life. There are many many reasons why I am. It started from childhood. It would take too much typing to express my thoughts... things that were done to me, said to me, many times, hurtful things about my face, my intelligence, my body, who I look like, so many negative things... and I believe them. I am a 52 year old woman, I talked it all over to many psychologists, read books they told me to read, prayed and prayed to God to help me. I cannot let this go. It gets worse daily. I hate TV... all these sexual innuendos... young, older, male and females always talking about going to bed together, having sex, no morals... nothing is sacred, special... I have tears of sadness, and anger as I type. I could say more... but this is probably a wasted time... I wish someone, something, would, could, take away all this... I really believe it will only happen when I die... and I don't want to... I just want to be happy.
Hello. I hear your sadness.
Well, there actually is someone who can take this all away, as you expressed a wish for, and that someone is you. You may not want to hear that, and you may not choose to accept that, but it is true. When you choose to accept full responsibility for your choices, then you will heal. Now, you CAN choose to remain sad and angry, and that is OK, as it is still your choice, or you can choose to feel differently. It's entirely up to you. The only one whom it will truly affect is you. And the only one who chooses how you feel is YOU.
I'm sure that you have heard the analogy of people who look at a glass with water in it, and some see the glass as half empty, and some see it as half full. It's still the same glass, but how people choose to view it is what makes the difference. Everything is a matter of choice, and perspective - how your life goes is entirely about how you choose to view life and what you choose to believe. It takes inner power to make a choice that works well for you. Many people have experienced pain and suffering. You're not alone in that. We all do. But then what we choose to do with those experiences, what we transform them into, is up to each of us, isn't it? The lotus flower begins life at the muddy bottom of the lake, and then rises to the surface, to the light, and blooms in a blaze of glory and beauty for all to see. That is why in India it is the symbol for the spiritual journey. How come you haven't allowed your lotus flower to bloom?
Up until this point, something has kept you from choosing to live life differently. Maybe you simply haven't known how to shift your energy and belief systems. In that case, I strongly invite you to read the Laws of the Universe found on this site, which can help you greatly with that. There are ways to effectively get out of the loops and energetic patterns we are caught in. Perhaps a part of you has gotten something out of remaining sad. Do you think so? Because as long as you are sad, you can continue to blame others. You can blame your sad life on what other people said, or "did' to you. That is easier then taking responsibility yourself for how your life goes, perhaps, but nothing will ever change that way. Why? Because that is coming from a state of living life as a victim. Victims never heal, as you have not healed, because they say that the reason their life has gone the way it has, and what they feel, is due to other people. It is other people's fault. Not true. That is living life from a state of powerlessness and helplessness. And you are neither powerless nor helpless. If you were strong enough to birth onto this planet, then you are strong enough to create here as you choose to.
Saying that it is other's people fault that your life is the way it is, is not true. People can say and do a million things, but you do not have to believe it, or accept it, or even ALLOW it in your space. You chose, however, to believe it, and agree with it. How come? Agreed that as children, it is harder to have one's own knowledge of who one truly is, or to disagree with what adults are putting out, or to set appropriate boundaries for ourselves. However, as adults, we grow and mature in order to gain that power and ability, and it is our job to do so, as adults. We all have the word "NO" in our vocabulary. There are times when it is totally appropriate to use it.
As you said, you believed all the negativity put out, and you are STILL choosing to believe it and operate out of pain and sorrow. Just because someone said something doesn't make it true. You could choose to laugh at what they said and respond instead from a place of "OH. That's so silly!" or "Oh. I now see that they themselves were in so much pain, and so unclear, and so caught up in their own issues that they projected that pain onto others. But that's their stuff, not mine. I feel compassion for their pain, but I choose to view life differently and to grow beyond those issues they were caught in." True? Don't you have other choices then to respond from sadness and anger?
There is a great story of two monks who are on a pilgrimage, when they come to a river. Standing at the river is a beautiful woman who is in distress because she can't get across. Now monks were not supposed to have anything to do with women, but the older monk takes her on his back and carries her across the river, sets her down on the other side, and continues on his way. As the two monks are walking along, and after going many miles down the road, the younger monk is furious, constantly berating the other monk for touching a woman and carrying her across the river. At which point the older monk turns to him and says: "Yes, but I put her down at the river. You are still carrying her."
We can all choose to release what we do not need, or we can choose to carry it with us our entire lives. Love is a choice. Living from a place of Love and Gratitude - seeing the glass as half full - is a choice we can CHOOSE to make each and every moment - but again, it takes YOUR OWN power, decision, and commitment, to truly do so. You still want someone else to fix this for you, as a little girl would. Perhaps it's time to make the decision to move into becoming a true adult, and leave behind the wounded child that you are still carrying, to accept responsibility that your life is what YOU make it. Until you do that, it won't make any difference how many healers or psychologists you go to. You will simply be going to them to vent or to hope that they will fix it for you, or temporarily help you by you feeling some sympathy or caring from them. But nothing will change. In fact, you can then continue to say: "See, nothing works. I have a right to feel sad, as nothing works in this world. It's a lousy world." And the cycle continues.
Remember Winnie the Pooh? Well, in that story, there are all sorts of characters with different ways of viewing the world. It's the same world they all live in, the Hundred Acre Wood, but they all have different experiences in it due to their perceptions of themselves. Piglet sees it through fear and paranoia and helplessness. Pooh goes about in a mellow, sort of slowly meandering, loving way; Rabbit is fussy and anal and needs to control everything; Owl is wise and reclusive; Kanga is the overly protective mother; Tigger is full of bounce and vigor and the joy of living, but in an unthinking, insensitive sort of way, and then there's Eeyore. Eeyore will always choose to see the glass as half empty, and then some. I hear a lot of Eeyore in you. "Oh well, even sharing this is probably a waste of time", etc. How come you're choosing to be Eeyore? It's OK if that's who you want to be. Do you WANT to be Eeyore, because you don't HAVE to be. We can view life however we choose. We all do have that power; the power of choice. It just takes some work. No one is saying the journey is easy.
Ever heard the expression: "No one ever promised you a rose garden"? Well, I'd like to amend that to: "No one ever promised you a rose garden WITHOUT THORNS". We do have rose gardens, and the thorns are an integral part of it all. However, the fact that a rose bush has thorns does not take away the beauty of the rose, or the enjoyment we derive from it. All of life has thorns. We get the beauty of the rose, and the thorns are teachers. They teach us to be alert and aware, and conscious of how we move on this earth. So, because of that, we learn to pluck and smell roses with absolute care and finesse. We develop grace and nimbleness and care. You haven't understood or appreciated yet why the thorns are there. When you do, life will change for you. Life is meant to be dualistic in nature: Beauty and Thorns, so that we continue to grow and learn and evolve. If there were only beauty, or tra la la times, then we'd all be like Tigger, all bounce, but no awareness, knocking people over all the time, yes? We need to be able to appreciate both and to use all of it as a teacher: to see God's hand and purpose in ALL of it. So, what was the brilliance and purpose of the thorns in your life? Have you gotten the power and beauty of the lesson yet, or just seen it as pain?
God is very polite and will give us what we believe in, until we decide to have a new belief. You said: "I really believe it will only happen when I die..." Well now, that's a powerful statement of what you are choosing to believe. So, God will honor that, unless you decide to change it.