"When my suppressed feelings come up, I go out of control"
I wonder if I could get some insight on this. I am aware that I repress some of my feelings and that I have constructed a kind of wall about myself where nobody but me is allowed to go. I have also adopted a way of thinking that says some feelings are ok for me to show, but others are not.
What has recently come to my attention is, how strongly I can react if I am forced to use or examine those 'not ok to show' feelings. I get agitated, distressed and even resentful when I poke around in there. This can leave me feeling quite drained afterward. By nature I am a very analytical person and am having a hard time rationalizing this effect.
Thank you for your question. Just the fact that you are seeking an answer to this pattern tells me that a major part of you DOES want to examine and transform those issues within you that are blocking your way. What showed up here was that you have a misunderstanding going on regarding a Truth of life, that Truth relating to the balance of the male and female qualities within your own being. This balance of male and female makes us whole. We all have a feminine side and a masculine side to us. In Jungian psychology, it is termed the anima and animus: the male has an inner feminine, while the female has an inner masculine. This makes total sense, as we all come from both the masculine and the feminine - a mother and a father. Neither is more or less important than the other - they simply offer us different and very necessary parts of our being.
The aspect of the masculine contains (in brief) the more rational, direct, practical qualities, while the feminine is the creative, intuitive, feeling, visionary part. The feminine also contains the ability to look inward, as the masculine quality is outward directed. Being introspective is a crucial aspect of who we are. In our society in general, the feminine aspect of our being, (as with women in general), has been labeled "less than." For a man, in some ways, showing feminine qualities, or feelings, as you expressed in mentioning the wall you created around yourself, has even been forbidden. If a man is seen as sensitive and introspective, he is laughed at and labeled a wimp. Therefore it becomes dangerous to show feelings or let others in, as there is a great fear of ridicule and rejection. Why this has come to be is a long story, but the gist of it is, how unbalanced and crazy it is to think that a half of our being is stupid, less than, or something to be demeaned. It is clear as crystal that one without the other doesn't work to create life, whether that means a literal life, a child, or our own creative, balanced, healthy life as an individual.
Somewhere along the line you were taught that to have feminine qualities, including the ability to introspect, or show feelings, was bad. It isn't. It is critical for our development as human beings. As you said, you therefore lean heavily to the masculine side of things - where our society says it is ok, safe, and more than that, better to be. You are rational and analytical - this old and unbalanced masculine programming that you were given tells you that when you are introspective you are doing something wrong, and this leaves you drained. Why? Because you end up, in effect, fighting against yourself, or against a part of yourself - your feminine part that knows you must go inward to be a clear human being.
If a man gets very much out of balance by denying his feminine inner self, he will most likely have difficulties in two areas: (1) as you mentioned, he will not be able to be in touch with his feelings, and (2) this can lead to difficulties in relationships with others, not to mention oneself. A man, or woman, who denies her feminine, may substitute the lack of warmth that they feel for ambition and, as you said, live a mostly analytical way of life. Mind over heart, in other words. While the rational certainly has its place and is an extremely important aspect of our being, without heart it becomes hard and cold, perhaps overly ambitious, as it substitutes warmth for ego attainment and accomplishment.
There are many ways to get in touch with whatever part of us has been repressed. One excellent method is to do a visualization where you find some quiet, alone time, put on some gentle, soothing music (instrumental, no voices) and, after becoming quiet and relaxed, and breathing deeply and gently for a few minutes, with eyes closed, you ask to see your feminine side. Then you Trust whatever shows up for you - whether it be impressions, or information, or thoughts, or a flash of memory or understanding. You can hold a conversation with this part and ask it what it needs, or how you can help it to be more available to you, or more healthy, etc. You can also do this with your masculine side and, as you work and directly connect with both parts of yourself, you will create a new and healthier, more dynamic balance between them. What is revealed may prove to be quite interesting. I would invite you to do this more than a few times, on a continual basis.
It is a timely issue you are working on, as it IS time for all of us to be in and create a harmonious balance between the male and female parts of ourselves. We see this evidenced in the outer world every day as women struggle to be accepted, not be put down or thought of as sexual objects. We see it in the horror of how women are treated in the Arab countries and the ensuing high suicide rate. We see it in the movements that have taken place over the last 20 years to bring greater equality to the sexes, as men also struggle to be in touch with their gentler side. We have become polarized, the male and female struggling against one another, out of touch with one another, with no tools to bridge the gap, and we see this in the high divorce rates. In reality the male/female balance ought to be seen as a oneness, both beautiful, both equal, but different parts of a greater whole.
If, for a while, as you work on this re-balancing, you find it difficult to look inward to face issues, you can work on it from a different angle by clearing out your chakras. This will probably be a less threatening form, for a while, of looking inward and clearing things out. You can clear your chakras each day by sitting down for perhaps 15 minutes, again in a quiet space, with eyes closed, and when you are relaxed, beginning at the base of your spine, at the tailbone, you visualize a beautiful fire engine red light filling up that area. Then you move up the body and visualize a beautiful orange light at your reproductive area. Then, moving up the body, see a bright yellow light at the navel area. As you do this, you also ask silently that each area you are visualizing be cleared and brought back to perfect health and functioning. Then you move up to the heart and visualize a glowing green light there - emerald green. Then on up to the throat, where you clear that area by seeing a beautiful sky blue light. Then up to the brow, where you see an indigo light. Then to the crown of the head, where you see a beautiful violet light. Even if you are not adept at being visual or seeing these colors, just by saying to yourself that that color is there will begin to work for you.
This will help immensely to get you back in balance and will also allow you to begin to go inward and feel more secure with that aspect of yourself. Clearing the chakras is a very important way to stay healthy and in balance. For your rational mind, here is the analogy: we are made of light, we are electrical frequencies, and just as the light spectrum has different frequencies which correlate and become different colors, depending on the speed of their vibration, red being the slowest and violet the fastest vibrational frequency, we too have different wavelengths in our bodies that vibrate at varying frequencies and correlate to the light spectrum. Deepak Chopra is great to read or listen to his tapes about this. Ever wonder why all people love rainbows? It is because we are, in effect, all of us, a rainbow. By keeping your chakras clear, you will become a more harmonious person, and you will be at peace going inward.
There is a lot of reading you can do regarding Jungian psychology, the anima and animus, the balancing of the male and female, as well as readings that will give you an understanding of the chakra system and how it works. However, if you only read about it and don't practice it and feel it in your own self, in your being, that will be an imbalance. So, I invite you to do both - gain information, be practical and analytical, but also become intuitive, feeling, and introspective ... that way balancing your male and female aspects in the best way.
Blessings and best wishes, Ayal