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"A friend keeps expressing interest in a relationship and then withdraws again"

Dear Ayal,

I've always been a happy person and I was in a wonderful relationship for a year and a half where I was completely satisfied. Out of the blue my partner became confused and decided to move away and end our relationship. I was devastated because he had become an integral piece in my life. Now, 8 months later, he has tried to get back together with me three times advising that he made the most horrible mistake but each time I let him get close again he withdraws. I'm feeling out of control because I can be happy with him or happy without him but he keeps contacting me and then falling short of making the relationship happen. I'm not sure if it's me falling short of making the relationship happen because I am scared of being abandoned again or if there's something more happening here. I'm hoping maybe you can provide me with some better insight on my situation?

Thanks for any assistance you can give.

OK. Well, you are both caught in fear, which both of you must choose to let go of if you want to allow this to work. There is also an issue of self will showing up. What that means is this: when a person goes into fear, they go into defensive mode, because they are feeling inferior in some way. To get out of feeling that, they go into self will, which is sort of like putting out the ultimatum, "MY way, or the highway." This comes from the need to try to feel self supportive. It doesn't work however. What is needed instead is to ask oneself: "Do I have inferiority up in some way?" If the answer is yes, then deal with that, from exploring oneself and one's own issues.

So, yes, there is a need showing up on your part to be controlling. When confusion shows up, that is usually a sign that someone has given their power away to another. If your partner felt that he was doing that, it makes sense that he would back away to try to regroup and figure out what was going on. It may be that the dynamics between the two of you revolve around control and giving one's power away, to some extent. It also sounds as if he loves you but is uneasy about getting back into that dynamic, which, I think, is wise.

So, your inner work revolves around YOU letting go of your need to control, if you choose to, and to see what that's all about for you. Until that shifts, the dynamics between you can't really move into something more healthy. Trying, even unconsciously, to control another (or to control situations) is a violation of the freedom their spirit needs to be who they are, and shine, as we are all meant to do. They also have to choose to not be willing to be controlled, and accept responsibility for being who they are, and to fly high with that, on the power of their own wings.

Blessings, Ayal

350. "It seems like all men in the world are either non-functional emotionally or abusive"


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