"I'm jealous of my husband's busier social life, that I will be left alone"
Dear Ayal, was reading your articles, very interesting. I am an insecure lady whom just got married since July. we known each other for two and half yrs, but am still acting the same, when he meets his friends I feel he is going to leave me, I'll be lonely and have no one but he has not done anything to betray me and same with me. I don't have many friends myself and do not have the opportunity to meet them like he does, where i feel at times very jealous. My background is that my parents always say stay indoors and i didnt have much freedom, i feel i got it from them and behaving like my mum how she put rules down on me, which i hated now am doing it to my hubby. But now am living with my husband though things will change its getting worse, am saying it sub consciously and ask him negative questions, he has beared it, and i totally given up on myself and say i am leaving this marriage as i am insecure with this relationship. but he has given me chances and letting me to not continue like i am now, but said to change myself better, think positive, where am having so much problem, I am not a bad person, not am i evil. Just feel insecure which is wrong and want to change as i see i will split us up, and it's down to me now. I am feeling very sick and weak about myself.
What can you advice me? I will do those tasks which you have provided on the Net, see if it helps. Hope to hear from you soon.
Well, things don't change just because we change the place where we live or who we live with. Things change because we have our own inner strength and power to face the inner issues that cause our lives to be the way they are. As you said, you were always under someone else's rules and power, and now you have a husband whom you are looking to to take care of you and give you what you need. You haven't developed, yet, your own ability to be on your own and take care of yourself. But you can. That is what's needed. You need to be able to be alone and know that you are the one who is responsible to give you what you need. So, then, when your husband is giving himself what he needs by being with friends or doing what he loves to do in life, you too are able to go out, meet friends, and give yourself what you need. It's not up to him to do that for you. It's up to you. It's your life, not someone else's. So what you make of it or do with it is up to you.
It's also not your job to impose rules on anyone else, unless, of course, you are a mother who has rules to keep her children safe. And it's no one else's business to impose rules on you. If we don't face and change these old patterns ourselves, the old patterns we were given, then we simply repeat them, as you said you are repeating now the patterns that got programmed into you growing up. It's up to you to change them. When you find yourself giving your husband rules, just stop, and ask yourself: