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"I'm angry as my boyfriend seems to forget me when I'm not there"

hi, i came across your site today and read some of your letters. i was trying to find some that related to my current issues but there are so many. i have something going on that i feel is holding me back from happiness in my life. ive been going out with my boyfriend for a little over a year. we were together everyday in highschool but now that he has gone off to college i see him every two weeks. im ok with that cause he can very easily get on my nerves, no matter how much i love him. we are really happy when were together but for some reason ive been really upset lately. ive been so angry with him and i havent even seen him. i feel the reason that im angry is that although he appreciates me more than he did before, i dont seem to be anywhere on his list of priorities. i feel like his life consists of school, his friends at school, and thats it. i feel like i only matter to him every two weeks when i come up to visit him, he does give me his full attention when im there but i hardly ever hear from him during the rest of the time. i know he loves me and if he could change he would do it in a second but no matter how many times ive talked to him about problems like this he just cant give me what i want.

lately ive been feeling like i hate him, i am just so tired of him and having to be his girlfriend, i feel like he doesnt see me in the same way as he used to. it seems to me like we dont have the connection we used to have. it seems that hes changed our relationship from being intense and stable and romantic, to a middle-school relationship where all you do is hold hands when youre at school. i cant figure out why i am so angry and its slowly taking over the rest of my life. also any time i try to start something, i cant follow through on it. i know its because ive never felt supported by my parents but i can never finish anything i start. can i do anything to help with this and is it affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. and one other thing on a medical note. ive been having heart palpitations every night for the past month or so, could this have anything to do with my current emotions. thank you for your time and energy, if you can do anything to help me get through this i send my heartfelt thanks and if you cant then i know that you have helped so many other people and just being able to write all this is enough.

Well, I think you are angry because your needs are not getting met. How you would like for this relationship to be and what you need is not what is going on right now. However, you say "he changed it" - that makes it sound as if what happens in the relationship is all up to him. Have you clearly put out to him how YOU would like it to be? You said you've tried to talk to him about the "problems", but stating your needs and what you choose to have is different from that. Stating your needs from the "I need this" place is very different from making someone else wrong for doing what they are doing. The first is being in your power and standing up for what you know is right for you. The other is blaming, and it doesn't get anywhere.

Also, your anger comes from your not being able to accept what he can give you. If that's all he's willing or able to give you, and it's not enough, then you have a big decision to make. It's up to you to create what you want and need in life. If this guy can't match those needs, but you think it's all up to him to give you what you need instead of it being up to you to create it, then it's like beating against a brick wall, or trying to get a coke from an empty coke machine. No matter how long you may stand in front of that coke machine pounding on it, if it doesn't have any cokes in it, it can't give you one. So, instead of feeling angry and powerless, create having a relationship that can meet your needs. If he isn't the one who can meet that, then you may need to accept that and move on and create having someone in your life who can. You're not powerless or a victim in this. Victims feel powerless and angry, but never get anywhere because they think it's up to everyone else to do it for them, or that everyone else is doing it "to them". Neither one of those is true. It's up to you to create what you need.

His being in college is a whole different world from being in high school. His life is very different now, and he has new goals, new worlds opening up, and new experiences. It can be very difficult for a high school romance to survive one person going off to college and one person not. Your worlds may be too far apart now.

As for the starting but not finishing something, hmmmm, this is interesting. I am getting that you need to improve your circulatory system by doing yoga. This will increase your energy flow. See if there are some yoga classes available in your area. See if you can set it up to do yoga 4 times a week.

Blessings, Ayal

347. "I have been hurt by men so much that now I find it really hard to show affection"


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