"I feel the need to excel in most things, because I fear deeply to be mediocre"
I wrote to you three and a half months ago, and I really cherished your advice, and thank you with all my heart. I've worked nearly every day with the guidelines in your website, especially the Getting Clear Worksheet. It all feels as a coming back to home, realizing again that I am not the victim in any situation has made me feel powerful and complete, and allowed me to appreciate and love the reality I create in a whole new level.
But of course, there's plenty of things to work on, and for the past three years I've been struggling with the same situation. I am feeling that I fail at college, and at the same time I am creating situations where I really fail my exams and such! And it comes from this really strong feeling that I am not good at physics, and that I am not good enough in general. At the same time, I isolate myself from people also because of this, because of fear of not being perceived as good enough (actually, I feel the need to excel in most things, because I fear deeply to be mediocre, since somewhere in myself I am quite sure I am). I could trace it down to when I was around 10 years old and I've worked to let that situation go, and even though I would like to think that I've released it quite a bit, it is just until a certain level, because I am still creating the same reality: a place where I can't even imagine again I can be good at what I do and love most, while I am really good at almost anything else!
And now I have my midterms coming again in three days, and it feels a bit like balance time. I've worked with the Worksheet once and again for this situation, I've mentally realized that my feelings come from a place of fear; I have decided to accept and allow success at college to appear, I have sat down and just felt the fear until it had no further power on me; I've realized I was isolating myself, so I called some friends to group study, I am working with a therapist, I have asked my guidance about why I am bringing this into my life and tried to accept its answers.
All that is very helpful for a while, but it also moves a lot of feelings and things in me, to the point that I feel I am constantly in a wave inwards, exploring myself and not so much studying for college (and this makes me feel guilty sometimes, because I think I should adapt to college, while other times it makes me feel I am just different and following my own priorities, but there's always the fear of failing my exams again). But even if I can see a difference, this takes its time, and I really am deeply afraid I will still create an exam I won't pass next week, as if I were testing my ability to get rid of this belief that I am bad by putting even more pressure on it!
I would appreciate so much if you could share some light on this subject for me. I am willing to work on whatever it is the problem I am not seeing, even if it is much bigger than what I think it is, so I am just opening my heart to you.
Hi - sounds as if you are doing some great work! Glad to hear that you have made such good use of the material! Good for you! Well, I get that you need to do a power animal journey. Instructions will follow below. Also, you need to cut the cords binding you to the father. You can read about this in an article listed at the end of the home page. Both are important and necessary to do. When you do the power animal journey, specifically ask for whatever help you feel that you need at this time, as well as any help you may need that you are not aware of. Somewhere along the way in your life you felt destroyed. Ask what you can do to heal it, or simply ask for it to be healed. There also seems to be an issue about you feeling someone else was favored over you. All of this can be worked with during this time. Ask for help also to strengthen and develop your self identity All of this will help with the fear of failing and of feeling alone.
Also, say this twice a day for 3 weeks:
You also need to clear and heal your 2nd chakra. Read about how to do this in the article listed at the end of the home page.
Since it's only three days until exams, my suggestion is just do the power animal journey for now - if you don't have a slow drumming tape, just do it without it. Then, when you have more time, you can work with the rest of it.
We're all different Sol - as all snowflakes are beautiful and unique and different - and they all have their own journey to do, just as we do. However, all snowflakes fall from the same sky, and although we are individualized and have our own unique blueprint and pattern (DNA), we all come from the same source....although our journeys may have different events and look different, they are nonetheless, in the ultimate sense, the same journey. We all need to follow our own path to be true to who we are and what we came here to do - we all have our own specific lessons to learn in a given life, and contracts to fulfill, and that is very important - nevertheless, we are all the same in the sense that we are all sparks of God learning lessons along the way. There is an archetypal journey we all do, and although there may be different timings and different events along the way for each of us, we are really ALL ONE. It's a wonderful paradox to live within, and it makes the journey magical and exciting and mysterious - and, what it develops within us, when we understand all of this, is deep compassion, for oneself, and for all others. Developing that level of spiritual understanding is part of what you are here to do this time around. So, if you look at the events in your life from that perspective, I think that you will see how they are all leading you to this deeper understanding. How wonderful!
Shamanic Power Animal Journey
Here is the information on finding your power animal. You will need a tapeplayer and a tape of drumming that is especially made for shamanic journeys. This can be ordered from The Foundation for Shamanic Studies. You ought to be able to locate them on the Internet. the tape ought to be at least an hour long. If it isn't, re-copy it twice onto another tape to make it longer. When it is time to return from your journey, the drumming will speed up, so only have that speeded up part re-copied at the very end of the tape. If it is still light outside when you do this journey, you may want to put a cloth over your eyes to make it darker. Also, some people like to use headsets to listen to the drumming.
Get comfortable in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed for at least 40 minutes. Light a candle, and then do some slow, deep breathing to fully relax. As with doing any sacred ceremony, you may want to set up a protection around yourself and state an intention that only that energy which is your true Spirit of Unconditional Love and Life Force energy be with you and given to you. It would be good also to set up a cocoon of white light around yourself before you begin which puts this in place also. You can ask for guidance and protection from Great Spirit, the Creator, God, etc. That way you are very clear what your intention is and what you will only allow into your space. Lighting white candles is a good idea as they represent light and purity.
When you are fully relaxed, imagine that you are walking along a path that leads to a special place that you have actually seen before, a place that leads into the earth. This can be a cave, a hole in the ground, a hole in a tree, a rock overhang, etc. As you imagine walking along this path, use your imaginary senses to really be there - smell the air, feel the ground underneath your feet, notice the colors and sounds around you, feel the air against your skin. Take it all in. When you get to that place which leads into the earth, which is for you alone and no one else, enter into it, again using all your senses to explore the area for a bit. Feel if the walls are smooth or rough, wet or dry - if the air is cooler, etc.
Then, you will notice that there is a long tunnel leading down into the earth from this entranceway. Follow it down deeper and deeper into the earth. Allow the journey to take you as it will. Release any need to control it. Let happens what happens and just stay present with the experience. While you follow this tunnel deeper into the earth, hold in your mind and heart the intention that this journey is for you to connect to your power animal, your medicine ally. That is what you are there for. Eventually, you will notice that the tunnel ends at another entranceway. This entranceway leads you into the world of the Animal Spirits. This world is consists only of a world of nature. Natural landscapes are everywhere. There are animals everywhere - in the trees, grasses, by the rivers, on the mountains, etc. Notice what it looks like, what the landscape is like where you have arrived into this world. Leave the tunnel and begin to walk out into this world. Again, use all your senses as you explore this world. Notice what time of day or night it is, what's around you, the sounds and colors, the smells, the feeling of the air against your skin, how the earth feels under your feet, etc. Walk in this world taking it all in, holding your intention to meet your medicine ally, until an animal approaches you. When it does, ask it if it is your power animal. If it says yes, you may then journey on with it, learning about it, sharing with it, bonding with it, and asking for any help or guidance or answers you may need. If it says no, it is not your ally, continue walking until you meet the right one. When it is time to leave this spirit world, ask your power animal for a gift, and give it a gift in return. Ask how you can call upon it when you need to, and ask also if you need to keep what it is and what it shares with you private. When it is time to go, say goodbye, and thank you. Then, return to the tunnel and walk back up out of the passageway until you return to the entrance where you entered into the earth. Walk back along your path, and return to the room where you are visioning from. Take some time to fully come back into your body, bringing ALL of yourself back, filling up all of your body with yourself, all the way to finger tips and toes and eyelashes. If you choose to, you can write in a journal about what you learned and what guidance you were given. Take some time to integrate this experience. Don't go out into the world too fast or try to do too much afterwards. Drink water, and Remember to blow out the candles!