Trans4mind Home Page
Clearing the Way

"My niece blames her childhood for her current shortcomings and unhappiness"

I am not the mother or daughter, rather the sister to the mother, and the Aunt of the daughter.

My question to you is:
My 30 year old niece constantly alleges and blames her childhood for her current adult shortcomings and unhappiness - often times citing or recalling things that may not be accurate by all accounts of the other members of the family.

She empowers herself as a strong individual, and cites the rest of the women of the family as 'weak' because we are not always 'stirring the pot' as she is.

She feels that at every instance when someone says or does something that may bother you (which she is bothered by the most minimal of comments) that you should call that person on it.

This has never been our approach or style to things, and it is because of her nature that now there is dissension amongst the women of the family.

Can you please advise how we can / should handle as my sister is beside herself with the allegations, and recent hurt that she has experienced because of my Niece?


Hello. Glad you wrote in. Let's see what we come up with. Well, if you have read some of the other letters and answers, or, if you have read the Laws of the Universe posted on this site, you will know that what I teach is that everyone and everything in a person's life is a mirror of some issue they themselves have. So, in answering your query, that is how I must approach this. Some people are ready to hear what that is and deal with it, and some aren't. All I can do is offer it. What you, then, choose to do with the information is up to you.

So, given that, here goes. This niece, although she may yet be unclear herself, is still acting as a catalyst and a mirror for the women in your family. You may not like what she is bringing to your attention, or the way she is doing it, but she is nevertheless still a catalyst, and the way to get through this and heal it is to ask: "What is the mirror here for me?"

You said in your letter: "This has never been our approach or style to things, and it is because of her nature that now there is dissension amongst the women of the family..."

Well, hearing that statement raises 2 MAJOR red flags for me. The first is that you are doing what most families do, and that is, you are fighting to keep the status quo - to keep things as they have always been. As you mentioned, the family has a certain "style or approach" to doing things, and having someone challenge that is threatening to the fundamental family structure, even if that structure is limiting or needs to grow beyond its present bonds. Growth can be threatening, and the family structure is like any established organization. It seeks to survive with its established MO intact, and it will resist change. The family seeks to provide security, and in doing its job, security can come at the high cost of individuation and creative expression. Remember Jonathon Livingston Seagull?

However, due to the nature of the need for soul growth in us all, someone will eventually come along who will challenge that existing structure. The family can go into rejecting those who bring change, or it can see that there is possibly some good and much needed movement on the horizon happening.

Secondly, you assign the blame to the problems that are evident now between the women in your family to her. Problems in one's life are NEVER about another person, place, or thing. Someone can trigger another's issues, like rubbing against a splinter they have, but the splinter is already there to be rubbed. It may have been dormant, but it is there nonetheless. Just as you disliked your niece blaming others for her problems, you are now doing the same thing, right? So, there's the rub. Or, should I say, there's the mirror.

It seems that the issues here, or at least one of them, is the need to blame others rather than to look within oneself for the issue. Your niece is a perfect reflection of that issue in all of you, I think. But rather than see it in yourselves, you are blaming her. She also has this issue of blame rather than taking personal responsibility so that the issues in her life are able to work out, but she is, I think, a perfect and very clear reflection of that issue in you, and probably your family, as well.

By being this catalyst, I think that on the soul level, she has taken on the unpleasant job of bringing all of this out into the open for all of you. She's not letting you all get away with any crap, so to speak. Although I don't think bringing up every little issue and putting people under a microscope, or going into blame is the best way to do it, what she is trying to do is get you all to look at things. It obviously has aroused a great deal of feeling and can't be ignored. And that's as it should be, for perhaps the time has come not to ignore these issues any longer, or let the "0ld style or regime" continue to rule. Perhaps it is now time to be able to look within and heal some old stuff that's been around a long time. Just because it's the way it's always been done doesn't mean it can't be done better. But that requires the development of insight, and flexibility. This can arouse fear, however, as the saying goes, crude as it is: even though it may be shit, it's still familiar shit.

There are issues in your family to heal that have to do with the feminine energy being out of balance. There is an issue that has to do with the ability to have creative expression - it is an issue about those who have creative energy but who have frustration due to an inability to act on it. This niece is pushing the envelope of what has been, and no one likes it. True, blaming others never works. Nevertheless, the gift here for you all is that she has come to break down the old regime, and no one likes that. But, perhaps it needs to be broken down for something better to emerge. What is frustrating the creative energy of the women of your family?

It's important now for you all to be in Truth about this. She can't cause you women to be discontent or to be unhappy amongst yourselves. What is really causing that? In her own way, she is trying to find her own space and have her own freedom. Something in the set up of your family does not like to allow that. What's that all about?

If you can see that this is what the gift here is for you all, then you will not make it about her - but you will be able to let go of some very old and binding chains.

Blessings, Ayal

next 315. "I have a feeling that my friend - who always has a condom with him - will cheat on me"

Click here to donate & send a question to Ayal:
Clearing the Way   |   Laws of the Universe   |   Recommended Links