"I don't know if I can trust that my boyfriend isn't cheating on me"
I would like to thank you for the great work that you are doing. You are helping millions of people with their problems... and i hope that you will be able to give me some light as well.
I am 21 years old in a 3 years relationship with my boyfriend who is 25. Our relationship is official and we have the firm intention of getting married... the first two years of our relationship were great, and at the end of last year i had gone abroad for 6 months... n when i was came back, i had changed. I was previously comprehensive and did give my man enough space, but after my return i had turned dependent on him. I would fight with him concerning stupid things, and be very jealous and possesive... but eventually i started to realize that what i was doing is very wrong and i would eventually chase him away. So i was trying my best to be my old self again... n things were fine till i GOT THE PHONE CALL!!!
My boyfriend, before knowing me was a flirt, and he did tell me about his past, so that i wouldn't have to hear it from others. I did get angry, but finally resigned esp coz i knew he loved me truely... else he wudn't have introduced me to his family, make wedding dreams (we planning to get married in 2 years as i am still studying). During the time that we were together, i didn't even imagined that one day he would cheat on me. He was always present when i needed him, and whenever i wud contact him, he would be where he was supposed to be. But then just a few days ago, a girl called at my place. She introduced herself as F and said that she did work in the same department as my fiancee for 1 month. She told me that my fiancee had proposed but she said no, coz news was flowing in the department that he is someone engaged and is also a flirt!! I was very angry. I called my fiancee... he told me that he does know a girl by that name who was a colleague for him, but that the girl's intention was more than just friendly towards him. He also said that he didn't tell me anything about this girl coz at that time i was throwing loads and loads of jealousy tantrums (which is true). He called the girl in front of me and did abuse her loads, although he wasn't prepared that we meet her n talk face to face!!! He is telling me that he doesn't know why the girl did that but it's surely to create problems between him n me... he assured me that he loves me, that he knows his responsibilities towards me and would never hurt me... but Ayal i am scared, i have started feeling insecure again... everyday i complain and i donno what the real truth is... If the girl did lie, then y did she do that?
Awaiting your answer... Lover in dilemma.
Well, it sounds as if you are creating a lot of drama in your life, and the question to perhaps ask yourself is, is that something you want to continue doing? What are you getting out of all this drama? You must be getting something out of it, or you wouldn't still be creating it in your life, right? You mention many times in your letter that you respond angrily and jealously, even to the point of using the word tantrum. Well, if you are going to be that emotionally based, then your life will reflect that because you will be creating situations that reflect that energy. Meditation would probably be a great thing for you to get into to develop calmness and balance.
If you are angry, possessive, and jealous, then you will create scenarios and people in your life that play those themes out for you. Whether or not your guy cheated on you or not, I have no idea. However, you already know that he is a flirt, so what better person to have in your life to be able to act out your jealousy and anger with than someone who will flirt around? The question is, knowing he is a flirt, do you really want to be dealing with that for possibly the rest of your life? You are both two sides of the same coin, so to speak. One issue creates and is embroiled with the other. Flirt/jealousy and jealousy/flirt. They match. Not happily though. Perhaps you both need to take a deep look at these issues, see where they come from in each of you, and talk seriously, without fighting or reacting, about whether or not you can have a workable relationship with them going on. If he continues to flirt, and perhaps even not be honest, and you continue to be jealous, I think you are both in for a lot of heartache and disappointment. Perhaps you both need to decide what kind of people you want to be, with what qualities, and then see who is willing to truly commit to working through these issues. If he isn't, then you may need to re-evaluate what you want and can deal with in your life. You speak of commitment in your relationship, but this doesn't sound like great commitment to me, with this issue up. This is a serious impediment to relationship and you both may need to seriously discuss, perhaps with a counselor, what steps you need to take to make the changes necessary to allow this to truly work. This is a serious issue, and needs to be dealt with maturely and honestly. Trust in a relationship is one of the most important things, and right now, neither of you has much trust for the other. This does not bode well for an honest or clear or happy relationship.
If you both do realize that you want this relationship more than you want to be a jealous person, or a flirtatious, untrustworthy person, then there needs to be a commitment to change, for each of you, and a commitment to the relationship above all else. If you can't count on one another, or trust one another, what have you got? A lot of drama and trouble. There has to be a bottom line that no one crosses. Again, if he basically is not a trustworthy person, then you have to decide what your bottom line is, and what you choose to have in your life. It sounds to me as if having someone in your life who cannot be truthful or trustworthy really is a very frightening thing for you. What would have you creating someone in your life who would not tell you the truth? What is that all about for you? Where does that come from? When you clear that issue up, your life will show up differently.
I don't think you need to try to "get back" to who you were. These issues have probably always been there, but they simply have gotten really activated at this point. Instead, how about moving forward and becoming someone who is deeper and more centered by working through those issues, and clearing them up? There is something in your past that has to do with the fear and insecurity you are feeling, that it would be good for you to explore. I get that something happened around age three....? Also, I'd do a visualization where you go back to being in the womb, and see what was going on for your parents then. To do this, just close your eyes, relax, breathe deeply and gently for a while and then ask to be taken back to that time. Simply allow yourself to receive impressions and information. You can do the same for whatever was going on for you around age three. Perhaps that will shed some light on what is creating these feelings for you. There is a time when it just is the right time to see and understand something. Perhaps that is why you are experiencing all of these emotions now.
There is something else going on for you that is physically based, that has to do with health. I get that it has to do with hormones. So, I invite you to get your hormonal level checked out. Also, it would be good to say the following twice a day for the next 2 weeks:
Thanks loads for answering me. My fianc e n I did have a short but nice healthy talk on Monday. He assured me that he loves me but that at times I tend to be too dependent on him. He said that when we meet or talk, it's quality that matters, not quantity. He prefers being with me for one hour to have a great time and thinking about us, rather than sticking to me for 24 hours n thinking about other stuffs. He also told that he doesn't appreciate when I just assume things... like for example if he behaves a certain way, I would just assume that he is doing that to ignore me purposely or that he doesn't love me, which is not true. N that at times if he wants to sleep or couldn't call back, it means that he is tired or busy respectively, not that he is flirting or ignoring me on purpose. He would be extremely happy if I stopped comparing our relationship with others... like usu I wud tell him that X talks for 3 hours to his gf, or that he takes her roaming, shopping etc etc. He said that I shouldn't keep running after him, instead I should give him true love, n stop being jealous and possessive, then he will himself want me more - he wud look forward to be in my company n feel free to share everything. But since am possessive, at times he won't tell me things that might upset me n hence causing a fight to occur.
I guess that he is right Ayal. What do u think? Can u please help me love him, without being dependent, jealous n while giving him space. How can I not be affected when I see other couples displaying affection when he isn't around??? How can I be ok when he is late in calling or hasn't had time. (He calls daily, except on some rare occasion when he is extremely tired or ill - like once in two months). How can I not be angry if he is talking to other people a little more than he might be talking to me in public? At the beginning of our rela I wasn't like that.
Actually the society where we live is pretty conservative... looking for help from counselors is a bit difficult. Can u help me to make our relationship a happy one?? Awaiting your answer. Thanks 4 listening dear.
Well, I think that you have a very wise and caring boyfriend. I agree with everything he has said. Jane - you wrote back right away without even putting into practice or really taking time to think about any of the things I already suggested to you to work on. How come? Do you see that this is the cause of all your distress? YOU need to do your inner work to build up your own sense of self, your own inner strength of character. This takes time, a lot of time - and no matter what I say to you, if you don't go out and do it for yourself, and commit to doing the inner work you need to do, nothing will change. You are still looking to someone else - in this case, me - to do this for you. That is being dependent on others, not on yourself. And that will not work. There is no instant or hasty fix here. You are going to have to go through a long process of growing up and healing, as we all do, in order to work through the issues in your life that are up for you to deal with. YOU have to do it for yourself. As you do, step by step, taking it moment by moment, your sense of fear and possessiveness and neediness and lack of self worth will begin to go because you will replace it with seeing that you can take care of yourself. You will see that you can give yourself what you need.
When you find yourself feeling something uncomfortable, such as anger or jealousy, you stop, take a deep breath, and say: "This is MY issue. It has nothing to do with what he is doing or not doing. I am feeling _______ because I am needing _______. Therefore, I will now do this _______ to take care of myself."
You allow yourself to feel the emotion, whatever emotion has come up for you - you identify it, and say: "Oh, this is sadness," or "Oh, this is fear," but you aren't panicked by it. You don't have to act on it or allow it to cause you to "do" anything. You just feel it. It's just an energy that goes along with an issue you need to look at and work on. You give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling, without buying into it that it's TRUTH and you have to either run right out and fix it or run away from it. And by doing something to take care of yourself, I don't mean that you run out and call him, or look to someone else to take care of it for you. I mean that you find a way to take care of yourself, as a good, kind mother would take care of an upset child. If you had a child, and he or she came to you angry or upset about such and such, what would you say? What would you do? How would you help this child cope and grow in inner strength and understanding? This is what you are needing to develop within yourself and be able to give to yourself.
Your guy can't spend his life reassuring you that you are loved. Up to a point, he will be willing to do that for you, but at some point, he's not going to want to do that. That's you being a drain on his energy, sucking his energy from him, because you are not giving yourself the energy you need. What can you do to convince yourself that you are worth loving? If you don't love yourself, no matter what he does or says, it will never be enough. That's like being an empty sieve. No matter how much you try to fill it with something outside of yourself, it will stay empty, as whatever you try to fill it with will just continue to spill out of it.
I've already given you a lot of stuff to do to get started with all of this. Now, it's up to you. There IS help and support along the way, but this is your job to do. Read Caroline Myss's book 'Anatomy of the Spirit'. It will help you a lot.
Hi, yes u r right Ayal. This is my work. I am determined to help myself. I can't go on being dependent on him... i was an only child till around 9 yrs old and i guess i was scared when my sis was born. Also it was rumoured that my dad had an affair when i was around 12. There were loads of fights at home, which luckily got resolved, even though i guess the fear did stay within me... n when i was around 16, i was suffering from acne which was really annoying, at times i wud even cry coz of pimples. I will learn to love who i am. I am an individual on my own, n i should be strong enough not to let myself be bothered by anyone's actions. I will heal myself Ayal. I don't own the people who loves me. U suggested nice options Ayal... so whenever i feel insecure n jealous or angry, instead of calling my boyfriend, annoying or accusing him, i will tell myself that am feeling all those coz i want to feel these emotions n that he has nothing to do with my fiancee or with anyone... We start from this very minute... am gonna apply ur suggestions n will let u know the results as i proceed... Thanks loads:)
Good girl! That's the spirit and attitude that will take you through this! Good for you. And know that you are not alone with this - this is the journey for ALL of us - to learn to LOVE ourselves. We all have a lot of fears to overcome - but that is how we grow. It's only when we have dived deep into our own pain and fears and come out the other end being able to love ourselves - to be able to see and feel all of that and still come out loving - that we can really love others. Often we think being dependent on someone is love - but it is something very, very different from that that as we grow in depth and strength and maturity we come to understand better. It takes time. Don't be afraid to be in the moment and face it for what it is. Emotions are only energy - when you can greet each moment squarely, head on, with that kind of deep compassion that I was talking about that a mother gives a child (without being patronizing, of course - but by being truly, authentically caring and right there with it - not running from it, but just there with whatever is going on with an open and caring heart) then you will be so strong inside that you will be your own generator of love and strength.
Be patient with yourself, and not like the hasty rabbit that has to fearfully and furiously hop away from things. Learn to cultivate stillness: stay still, feel it, greet it with a loving heart, and it will release, move on, and heal. All things, even our fears and issues, just want to be loved - when we do that, we "shine the light of consciousness on it" - and it heals. It can't heal if we run from it. It must be greeted, acknowledged, honored, and loved. Then it heals. So - feel what you feel, honor it, explore where it comes from, then love yourself and give yourself what you need.
Many blessings!! I'm proud of you. Ayal
Hi dearest Ayal,
Well this healing process is not so easy!!!:) but am positive that am gonna succeed. Day before n yesterday were great... but today there is some kind of problem!!! Well met him n we went to the hair parlour. He met a friend there n kept talking to him loads, n not paying much attention to me... I talked to myself saying that i must not let anger n jealousy win. n i was quite happy with myself that i could handle the situation... After that i went to drop him at his place n pick some parcels for my mom at his place. His mom was preparing the stuffs to give me, while he was talking to his cousin, his wife n their two kids (they stay near his place n come to his place almost everyday). He kept talking n talking, n not even once did he come to see wat i was doing etc. I rarely go to his place n usually it's just for 5 to 15 mins... n they go there almost daily to stay for 4 to 5 hours!!!! I felt bad... it wasn't anger, it wasn't jealousy... it was a bizarre feeling. I don't want to pick up the phone n complain that he didn't have time 4 me when i was at his place... I don't want to fight. But how can i tell him that he should value my presence even when there are other ppl around? Am talking to myself but i think i need some support... i am telling myself that he didn't do that on purpose but i need some reinforcement i guess!!!:) Awaiting ur answer, n thanks in advance...
What you can say to him, very calmly, is: "I realize that when I'm with you, and you're really involved with talking to others, especially when I'm not somewhere I'm used to being, I have a need to still feel connected to you. To meet that need, I'm wondering if you'd be willing to tune into me, sort of check in with me and just touch in every so often. That way I still feel connected to you. I would appreciate it."
So - that's the procedure. You first feel the emotion. Then you find out what need of yours is not being met. Then, you find an appropriate way to meet that need. You CAN ask 100% for what you want! That doesn't mean you'll get it... but what you have done simply by asking for it is to state your truth and take care of yourself. That's being empowered. If he, in this instance, says, "well, I really want to be free to talk to other people and not have to check in to see that you're ok", then you take care of yourself a different way.
You may have to excuse yourself briefly in a calm way, without making a scene, and find a quiet place where you can comfort yourself, give yourself understanding and love, and tell yourself that you're ok, that you ARE loved and worthwhile. You may need to just simply feel your anger or fear, or whatever has come up for you, and let it release by allowing it to come up, feel it, and then let it go. Then you can return to the others. Or, if that doesn't work, then you may have to decide not to be with him when there are other people around who take his attention. That is extreme, and doesn't solve the problems or issues you have, but it can temporarily alleviate your distress. However, the issues are still there, and will be there, until you heal it. This definitely seems to be a little girl issue of feeling scared and angry when you are not the center of attention. It's the little girl inside still needing attention. You mentioned that you felt abandoned when your sister was born, and since there were many fights in your home, I'm sure that you did not get the nurturing that you needed when you needed it. Nor did you ever really feel safe in that environment, I think. In a way, that's like being orphaned - if there was no one there for you, to take care of you and be aware of your needs, and then someone else is born and comes along, what little attention you did get was no longer there. So, there are some deep needs of yours as a child, legitimate needs that any child has, that were never met. This is a big issue to heal, but being aware of what's causing the feelings is the first step.
I think it would be really important for you to do some visioning in meditation in order to connect with and talk to your inner child. To do this, find a private, quiet place of your own, and breathe deeply and slowly - slow inhales and slow exhales, for about 2 minutes with your eyes closed. Then, keeping your eyes closed, ask your little girl inside to present herself to you, or, ask your Guidance to show you where to find her. Go to where she is, and very gently ask if it's ok if you sit down beside her, or near her, and talk together. You can ask her how she is and what she needs. Find out what you can do for her, and then be sure to do what you say you will do if she tells you what she needs from you.
I'd do this meditation once every 2 weeks for the next 3 months, consistently. You will see some powerful changes happen.
I did meditate for 30 mins this morning. It‚s a great feeling. It's like being in a different world where u can be with yourself. I felt like 2 different people were talking to each other.
The first was a scared one, feeling insecure n questioning other people's actions: she was asking y her boyfriend didn't stay with her loads when she was at his place, n many other questions as well (why X did that or why X didn't behave in the way she would have appreciated). She wanted to be loved.
The second one was bold. She was asking questions to the first, like why she does feel the need for others to love her? Why does she has to ask for people to care 4 her. She was reassuring the first one that she is worth loads n that she can be happy with herself. Ayal I visualized myself in a circle n let love n respect flow through me. Ur suggestion that I can ask him to check on me when am in a place that am not used to, was nice but I want to be stronger n fend 4 myself. I don't want to restrict him to being with me when he wants to socialize with others as well. Ayal I want to be independent. I want to be strong, very strong so that whatever way he behaves doesn‚t affect me in any negative manner. I want to look at myself n feel proud of what I am. Like yesterday his mom was with me, n we were selecting the stuffs to make the parcel n that is maybe y he didn't come to poke his nose into women things!! (This could be an option). Ayal I think I will do this exercise that u suggested more often. U think it's advisable? Because truly it helped me loads - I was looking in the mirror n saying YES U R A GREAT GIRL, I LOVE YOU n I was even smiling - not bad nah?
Not bad at all. In fact, marvelous! I'm so proud of you Jane. What great work you are doing! You have really grabbed hold of this. Wow! You can do the meditation more, but you also have a tendency to be hasty and not take the time to integrate what you have learned, true? Sort of like putting a cake in the oven and taking it out every few minutes before it's done. That's still tending to be too emotionally oriented. You are seeking balance. So - I'd give yourself at least 6 days between these meditation to really go deep with them and let the changes process. Otherwise, you'll lose the power of it. This is part of what you are learning - the ability to not be anxious and rush around doing things, but rather the power you are looking for is to be able to be still and to be at peace in that stillness, without the need to DO. Because when you are still, you are truly with yourself - and that's the ultimate, independent place to be comfortable with, right? No distractions to pull you away from who you are.
You're on the right track, kiddo!
One more thing. You CAN do another form of meditation that does not involve that visioning process which is excellent to do every day. It will also be powerful and help you to clear away issues. Here it is: