"I have a difficult time committing myself to do exercise"
Dear Ayal, I am wondering why I have such a difficult time committing myself to do exercise? In the past when I was younger I of course had more time and was in good shape physically - and now I do have some free time but nevertheless, I have a problem taking the first step. I am 45 years old. I often wonder if it is a refusal to take care of myself or just apathy. I have a job I enjoy and a relationship that I am involved in - he is an exercise enthusiast. He's a lifeguard and occasionally does triathlons. I know he loves me but am I testing him to see if he'll stick around if I'm out of shape?
Nice, thoughtful letter. Well, the question to ask here is: "What am I really protecting?" See what comes up for you in answer to this. Sit with this for a bit, and allow information to flow into you. I get that it has to do with an issue of alienation and something about adolescence. The ability to be good at something, at anything, the ability to shine brightly is in all of us. I get the sense you may believe that some have it, and some don't, and that you're one of the don'ts. This has led to a lot of anxiety about going after what you want: it has led to a difficulty in you believing you have what it takes to support the intensity of creative work.
There are issues of desertion showing up in regards to the family, as well as loneliness and remorse. There is also an issue of feeling useless. Is there a fear of being left behind, and so you create being left behind while others go for it? Sexuality has a lot to do with the ability to tune into creative, life force energy. There is a need to explore your sexuality in this regard... this is a second chakra issues: the ability to give and receive pleasure on all levels of life. In this regard, an issue is showing up about being able to be, in general, more open and honest in relating to others. Doing some healing work with the 2nd chakra would be helpful. You can read about this in an article listed at the end of the home page, and also in Caroline Myss's wonderful book 'Anatomy of the Spirit'.
Some other things to help you heal this: the Option Institute in Massachusetts has some fabulous seminars about opening up to who one truly is and finding one's true potential. You can look them up on the net. Also, the gold Aura-Soma pomander, for healing irrational fears and old wounds would be good for you to use, as well as the #23 equilibrium oil. You can order them at firstname.lastname@example.org.