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Clearing the Way

"I don't know what I did to make my boyfriend stop loving me"

Dear Ayal,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. We would always say "I love you." He told me that he meant it. I meant it also. But a few weeks ago he sat down with me and talked with me. He told me that he didn't love me. He hurt me very bad and I cried for days. Now, every time we are together, I just want to yell out "I love you", but I can't. I don't know what I did to make him stop loving me!

Also, for the past two weeks, he has been fighting with me constantly. He finds things to get mad at me about. I leave him alone when he is angry because I think that he needs space. But when he sees me cry, then he comes over and apologizes. What can I do about these situations?

Well, obviously something is going on for him that he needs to find out about. You are taking it personally and thinking it's about you - you said "What did I do to make him stop loving me" - You can't "make" anyone feel anything. Whatever he is going through, it's about HIS issues and HIS feelings. What someone feels or thinks is never caused by another person, place, or thing. It's about them and what thoughts and beliefs and feelings they have going on inside of THEM. What he is feeling and going through belongs to him - you didn't "make" him feel something. He has to choose to feel something from whatever issues or troubles or misconceptions are going on inside of him. That's like saying "What did I do to make someone pee?" To understand this more, I invite you to read The Laws of the Universe found on the site. If you want life to work out better for you, then you have to take in some clear information. Having a clear life involves some study and research and inner work and reflection. That's up to you, of course, to choose to bring that good information into your life.

Have you asked him what's going on? If he doesn't love you anymore, what is he still doing hanging around? Sounds as if he is angry and confused and troubled about something in his life. Have you sat him down and said: "I sense that you are feeling angry and unhappy lately, and I wonder if you'd like to talk about it?" You're so scared though, that it's "your fault", that you can't be there for him to find out what's up with him. You just stay away, or fight, and that doesn't help either of you know what's going on. If you think it's about you, then you can't hold a strong space for him in which he can share or get clear about what's going on for him. And, sometimes relationships do come to an end. But you have a much better chance of keeping a relationship strong and healthy if you know how to work through problems and difficulties that show up. Like anything else in life, for a good project to work out, you need to have good tools to use. Right now it doesn't sound as if either of you has these tools.

I strongly invite you to get the book Non-Violent Communication, by Marshal Rosenberg, and read it through. Learn how to communicate effectively. When you know how to communicate effectively, (1) you won't be fighting about things and (2) you'll be able to help him (and yourself, as well) figure out what's going on. Sounds as if you both are needing to learn how to do this. Feelings aren't something to take out on another person - and they're not something for the other person to take on and think it's "their fault". They are there to show a person that something is up that needs to be looked at, explored, and healed.

Blessings, Ayal

304. "After rejection because of my appearance I have lost all confidence in my talents"


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