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"I make judgments then introspect and everything becomes jumbled"

Dear Ayal,

I am 26 years old and have a pattern of past behavior where I jump from relationship to relationship and attach myself to men and focus entirely on them and their perception of me to define who I am and my life. I realized that I do this to avoid taking responsibility for creating a powerful, fabulous life for myself (among other reasons). I discovered this very recently after leaving a relationship that could be considered emotionally abusive. My boyfriend was always yelling and accusing me of cheating and being unfeeling and selfish. It got to the point where he was was calling me nasty names and belittling everything I did or said. At the time, I had felt that I was entirely focused on him. I never even thought about cheating. I had become incredibly needy during the course of the relationship. I got to a point where I felt neglected, unloved and unworthy. I blamed my boyfriend for creating all of these feelings in me and begged him to change. (I recognize a similar pattern in previous relationships also). Imagine my surprise, when I realized that he couldn't make me feel that way. I was making myself feel that way. I looked inside and it was a mess in there. My perception of myself was completely warped. I actually realized that this pattern of behavior and my past choices were not working for me and made a conscious decision to change it. I found it unbelievable that I had actually created such a horrible situation for myself and really looked deep inside to see why I felt so unworthy and undeserving of true love in my life. I had created an environment where I was punishing myself for not being good enough. I was horrified that I did not take better care of the precious person that I am. That is when I decided to work on loving myself again and creating a life that works for me.

This is the new possibility that I created for myself.

"I am creating love in my life again. I am re-learning to give myself the love that I am worthy of instead of expecting it from others, allowing others to love me and providing an environment of unconditional love for all those around me. I am giving up blaming others, resentment and feelings of inferiority which are holding myself back from loving myself and ultimately, having a reality filled with friends, family, love, acceptance and joy."
I've been devoted to this new possibility. There is a lot of internal conversation, affirmations and gentle forgiveness towards myself as I work through all of these fears and insecurities and false perceptions. I try to be aware of every negative feeling that I have and get clear on it. I didn't realize that when you create a conscious decision to change, you really have to work at it. For some reason, I thought it would come more natural. I realize that this is a journey and that it won't happen overnight. I feel great. I feel happy. I feel positive. I enjoy being with friends and family again and I have come to also enjoy being alone. I enjoy being at work. I have "put myself out there". I have extended invitations, made phone calls to friends that I have neglected, initiated social events and had nothing less but fantastic and powerful conversations with the people in my life. In fact, the most incredible things have been happening. Ever since I have created my new possibility, people have been coming out the woodwork. My phone is "ringing off the hook". I have been receiving invitations to parties, cook outs, dates and any possible event that you can think of. I am meeting new people and friends left and right. Old friends and past lovers that I have not heard from in years are appearing into my life again. People that I never expected to see in my life again. I never maintained my relationships in the past and really put a lot of energy into emotionally distancing myself from people in general.

I find that I am having difficulty keeping up. Sometimes, I have to "remove" myself from the environment that I am in because I will go through moments where I question my self worth, or I question somebody elses actions or words and then wonder what I am putting out to create that. If I perceive that there is a lull in the conversation, or I perceive that somebody is being disrespectful or uninterested, all of a sudden I am having an internal conversation on why I created that kind of negativity. Then I can't keep up with the external conversation. Everything is jumbled. Then I panic and try to disengage myself to get clear, but all I seem to do is create more confusion and can't seem to get clear on anything at that point. This has been happening a lot and I am starting to feel frustrated with my progress. I feel like I'm actually taking two steps back.

Why am I suddenly having difficulty "getting clear" on my behavior?


It sounds as if you have made some incredibly powerful changes in your life. That's wonderful. To answer your question, there still seems to be an energetic of blame in your space - blaming yourself for not keeping up, or perhaps not doing it right. Sometimes we can focus too much on trying to see what's up for us, in the context of "what's wrong here" to the point where we are living in our head, and we experience burn out. The mind can't change things. The energy of love changes things. It's good to see what the issue is, but then it's the energetics of love and acceptance that brings about those changes. What you need to do then is just re-fill yourself with love: just ask for a refill of the Creator's consciousness and energy. Clear your chakras at that point, and send love and light into yourself - just go into accepting and opening to and receiving that love and light rather than focusing on what you think is wrong or that you want to change. Just bringing in the love and light will immediately restore you to balance and bring about all of that naturally. Be present in the now, in that place of acceptance. Thinking about what's wrong puts you out of the present moment, and the present moment is where we exist and can feel love. Tune into the pure presence and essence of your heart. Move from being in your head into the heart instead. Bring in the feeling of love. Remember something that you love, and let feeling suffuse your body.

An easy way to clear your chakras is to bring your hands above your head, and then move your hands down in front of your face and down the midline of your body, just a bit out from the body, and when you get down past the 1st chakra, you simply say "CLEAR!" Then, to bring all of yourself back to present time, you reach out your arms to the sides, opening up fully, and slowly bring them in toward yourself, as if you are embracing someone, and you do this with the intent to fully bring all of yourself back into present time. When your arms have come close to your body, you say "Be fully here now."

Blessings, Ayal


Dear Ayal,

I appreciate your quick and caring response. It took me some time to respond because I was just not quite sure what to say. I want to tell you that your site, completely exposed me to all the false beliefs that I had bouncing around in my head. This has meant everything to me. I have found happiness, joy and peace in myself and in my life in a way that I was not even aware existed. Whenever I feel "frustrated" or "unclear", I revisit your responses to posted questions and am completely motivated and inspired by the guidance and contribution that you have given to others. I am powerfully moved at how you give so freely.

Thank you for your advice. It is apparent to me that I have a tendency to blame myself and I have been trying to not be so hard on myself on a daily basis. It is not easy to work through those layers of past beliefs and not judge myself too harshly, but the rewards so far have been spectacular. Every single day since I first read your site has been a fantastic day. I only create good days for myself now. I never have a bad one.

Since your response, a new person has come into my life. Well, actually I've known him since we were kids, but it's like meeting a new person. I'm seeing him through new eyes. I never recognized what a healthy, loving individual he is. I was never looking for a healthy partner before. My decisions were based on fears and insecurities. I never recognized my self worth before. To my complete surprise and delight, I see that there is serious potential here for a giving, accepting, healthy relationship. He is very understanding about my pursuit of happiness right now because he is on his own pursuit of harmony in his life. I do not feel like the timing is right for me right now to devote myself to somebody else. He is giving me all the space and time I need to focus internally and get clear on myself and my decisions right now. I've never pursued a healthy relationship before and I am very concerned and wary that I am falling into my old patterns of destructive behavior. Am I still looking externally for happiness and just not aware of it?

There is one more thing that I should mention. Due to a health issue, we cannot be sexual intimate at this time. I believe this issue has has been a major contribution to the wonderful, accepting person that he is. I have always been very sexually active in my relationships in the past. Lately, sex does not play as important of a role in my life and I have come to the conclusion that I wish to abstain for awhile while I work on internal issues. I came to this decision before this person was even a factor.

I guess my question is, how can I really be "clear" that I am making healthy decisions for myself and not falling into old behaviors?

I also get mass outbreaks of cold sores once or twice a month on my lips and wonder if there is a connection between any of this. This has been going on since I was young.

I started this e-mail out as a thank you letter, not to ask for guidance. Now I find myself asking for it once again. I would really appreciate any insight that you are willing to offer.


Hi - what a wonderful and inspiring letter to receive. Thank you! Sounds as if you are making great use of the information and doing your own great inner work to create your life as you choose it to be! Wonderful! Well, I think the best way to ascertain whether or not you are falling into past behaviors is simply to check out how you feel. If you feel uncomfortable about something, that is an indication that you have gone into fear or anxiousness. Fear and anxiousness are not harmony. A great clearing technique to use to get back on center is very simply, just raise your arms above your head and then bring your hands down in front of your body, about 6 inches away, and flow them down the chakras. When you reach the bottom chakra, you just say CLEAR! That's it. If you do this habitually, every time you go to the bathroom, you will keep yourself very clear each and every day.

One other thing - life can go up and down - so if you do have a not so great day, or you find yourself in an old pattern - that's simply another opportunity to give yourself love, empathy, and understanding - which is the practice of compassion, which is what it's all about anyway. So, be grateful to see it, use it as a locational device for where you're at, and calmly go even deeper into clearing and seeing whatever you need next to clear. There are layers to things. Perfection is accepting yourself with love, WHEREVER you are at the moment - not striving to be anywhere else. When you do that, by loving yourself, you are immediately back in harmony.

I think being abstinate sexually when one is in a big inner clearing process is a good idea. I did so for two years at one point in my life. It can be very helpful.

As for the cold sores, as you probably know, that comes from the herpes virus being in the body. Stress brings it out. So, if you are worrying, you need to center again and go back into trust. If you take the amino acid Lycine, in capsule form, which is an anti viral agent, the cold sores will diminish immediately and go away.

Blessings, Ayal

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