"I have a lot going for me but a part of me feels empty, lost and saddened"
I am 18 and an actor. I bring joy, happiness, sadness and laughter to audiences and friends. I just graduated from high school and after the long process of decision making I decided to hold off on college for a while, I moved out and live alone in a really cool apartment and am pursuing my dreams of stardom. I have an extremely impressive resume, a professional outlook on performing and get along with nearly everyone. I am always doing shows, but always trying my hardest to do better, I am an extreme perfectionist. I do shows, I occasionally do interior design for friends and family and the rooms are always more than pleasing to the owners, but I do not have a regular job nor have I ever had a regular job, only acting jobs that sometimes come and sometimes don't.
Even though I have all this going for me in my life, a part of me feels empty. I am gay, my parents don't know that and I think would understand, nearly everyone else knows. I do not nor have I ever had a serious relationship with a guy, many of my friends are actors that are least 10 years older than me, that I pretty much only see during performances. My other friends are nearly all girls that I don't exactly like as much, I feel they don't understand me, that they're jealous of all I do and try to hurt me because of it and I just don't get along with, and they are all going away to college.
I don't know what to do or blame it on, I did have somewhat of a rough childhood because of parents fighting and all, but other than that I've had it pretty good. But I still feel so empty, lost, saddened inside. Please help me try to figure things out, I would greatly appreciate it.
OK. Here goes. I'm trying to put the many pieces of information that came in for you into a cohesive picture and answer. You can see what resonates with you. First of all, a lot of the emptiness you speak of comes from your inner child - there are issue of acceptance going on. Step one is asking, to clarify this: what happened? Some trauma of some sort showed up as a possibility. You had a great sensitivity to criticism as a child, and, I think that this is why, as you mentioned in your letter, you haven't told your parents yet that you are gay. There must be some fear still there that you WON'T be accepted, or that you will be criticized for being who you are. It is important that YOU accept yourself, completely. Then that is what you will create coming back to you in your external world. Are there areas where you do not accept yourself for who you are?
There is an issue of Nervousness showing up which has to do with an inability to relate. I think that there is a need to cleanse accumulated psychic toxins in your being from past traumas that you have internalized so that relating is not a dangerous or threatening thing. It must have seemed that way to you since you were little. This would be a good place to do some inner exploration. If you have an issue of not accepting yourself, you will create traumatic experiences where that is mirrored back to you - in other words, you will have created situations and experiences of non acceptance. When you shift this in yourself, your ability to relate to others will transform.
You are very empathetic, and probably picked up on people's energies and thoughts easily as a child, and still do. There is a sense of anxiety you have, of feeling adrift. Although you mention how capable you are, which I fully believe, yet you still have a sense of being a failure, of being inefficient, or lacking, somehow. I think some of what may be going on is that, on some level, the instinctual level perhaps, a part of you still thinks that you are supposed to be other than you are - that you are supposed to have more Mars-like, he-man strength - that you ought to follow the "norm", or what society presents as "the norm" regarding masculinity. But that may seem undesirable to you as you may see that as crude, or mere strength without awareness or sensitivity. It also may be that you feel guilty for not being that... and perhaps you also may feel guilty for wanting to be that. That would lead to an inner conflict. Again, the issue of acceptance shows up in regards to this. To some extent, you have sought to alienate yourself from this need to follow the norm by cultivating a more intellectual approach to life. But that can also be one sided and not truly in balance.
It is important to honor both our intellect and our physical nature. They are not in conflict with one another - both can be honored and integrated within our being. We are mind/body/soul - all aspects of oneself can and must be honored. They are all a part of the Whole. You can be physical and intimate with someone on a sexual level, and still be yourself, your intellectual, sensitive self, and you can share all of the parts of yourself with someone. In regards to this, it is important for you to devote some time to your physical nature - to get your physical energy moving. Taking a trip, even, would be good for you.
The issue of feeling trapped showed up for you as well - and when I asked more about what that was about, my guidance said it had to do with immune disturbances. So, I found myself wondering, is part of the reason you haven't developed a serious relationship with someone due to a fear of feeling trapped by the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted disease? This is definitely something to be extremely careful about, but there are ways to deal with it.
The olive green Aura-Soma pomander - for refreshing and cleansing one's space, for courage, and positive thinking; as well as the magenta Pallas Athena quintessence - for expressing creativity and love, and awakening to beauty, for those who dream dreams, would both be very good for you to use on a daily basis. They can be ordered at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Hope this has shed some light.