"I feel unwanted as my mother yells at me all the time"
Ayal, I am a 15 year old girl who gets into arguments with her mother (33) every month! I need help, when we argue she calls me from her cell phone, and argues, yells, gets mad, then hangs up on me. She'll call me like 5 times until she gets her way, which is to where she wins. If I end up getting into to trouble for no reason at my grandmothers house because of my 7 year old cousins, I get blamed. (My grandma adopted my 2 cousins, David(7) & Renee(13)). Yes, because I'm older, but when it's just my cousins, my mom seems to understand, but when my grandmother (52) jumps into it I get into the biggest deal of trouble. My brothers(11) and sister(7) never get in trouble or yelled at, only me! I feel unwanted sometimes. I go through feelings to where I want to run away or sometimes I feel as if I just want God to take me now! Please I need all the help I can get.....
Hi - We are not meant to suffer. Often people think that we are - they have a belief in suffering, thinking that we are supposed to suffer and that we always will suffer. That is a misconception. We are all meant to shine. And as we let our light shine, we give other people the permission to do the same.
It is important for you to make this connection - a connection to a new way of thinking and believing - are you willing to heal and change this belief in suffering? If you think you have to suffer, or will always suffer, then that is what you will create happening in your life. Are you willing to believe something differently about life? If you are, then that means being willing to let go of your anger. Sometimes we get something out of holding onto a particular emotion - sometimes we think it protects us or keeps us safe. Sometimes we just don't even recognize that it's there - we've operated out of it for so long it's just like a second skin and we don't even notice it. I think that you will discover, to your surprise, that when you let go of YOUR OWN anger, you will not have angry people around you. The world is like a mirror - it reflects back to us what we have going on inside of us. If we are angry, then we will create angry people yelling at us. Until we take responsibility for our own internal landscape, what's going on for us on the inside, our outside world will not change. When we change the energy we are putting out and swimming around in, inside of us, then the world outside of us changes to reflect that change in us.
You have a belief that you have been deserted by those you love. That belief is at the root of your anger. When we think or believe that others have deserted us, we have created a major, monster thought form that is a misunderstanding of what's going on. Love is not something that dies. We are all made of Love. That is who and what we all are, deep down. It is our core essence. We are all, however, everyone one of us, at different stages of remembering that and being willing to let that light shine. We can fool ourselves into believing differently, into thinking we are actually bad, or not good enough, or not loving, and then we cause ourselves great pain. To have that love, which we all want, one has to be willing to NOT desert oneself - to not think bad thoughts about oneself - to not believe that one deserves to suffer, be deserted, or punished.
Developing the capacity to Love is what our lives are all about. If you wish to develop this capacity in yourself, and have a life full of Love, then the first step on the road is to ask for it - ask that it grow and deepen within you. What is needed first is the willingness to grow in this way, and Spirit will hear that request and support you, and open the way for that to happen. When we make a decision to grow in a certain direction, that also means that we have to be willing to face thoughts and beliefs we've held that aren't true and that have caused us pain. Sometimes this can be difficult, but only if we again judge ourselves and think we were bad for having had a misunderstanding about something. When we see how we have had these beliefs, then we can decide to change them. We don't judge ourselves, or call ourselves bad for having misunderstood something. We don't punish ourselves. We just gently realize that we have the power to do it differently now if we choose to, and we can grow and have new understandings and ways of being. That is what creates our lives being different.
This is a journey of soul growth that takes a lot of courage and a lot of heart. We can't change something unless we see it in the first place. And the only place we can change something is in ourselves. That is what changes our outside world = not trying to change anyone else. In other words, you have to be there for yourself, loving yourself - not in an egotistic "Aren't I great and I'm better than anyone else" way - but in a deep, caring, kind, gentle way.
If you think that you aren't good enough, you will see, or believe, as you said in your letter, that others - in this case your brothers and sisters, will be favored over you. It all ties together, and really, it's all up to you what you choose to believe and feel and think - and that will determine how your life will be. Life is all about making choices - we can eat fattening, junk food and then be fat and unhealthy, and not like ourselves, but it was our choice to do so - not anyone else's fault or behavior that caused it... and it is the same with thoughts and emotions. We can choose to think junky thoughts and feel emotions that are hurtful to ourselves, or we can put into ourselves thoughts and feelings that create our lives working well. That is called developing inner strength and depth of character. I think you have the strength to do this, if you choose to. If you do choose to do so, I invite you to read The Laws of the Universe found on this site. It will help you gain a deeper understanding about all of this. It's pretty deep stuff, and it may take you a while to get it - I myself re-read it over and over again when I forget what's really going on.
Many blessings, Ayal