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Clearing the Way

"My boyfriend is very strict but I can't imagine myself without him"

AYAL, MY PROBLEM WITH MY BOYFRIEND, IS THAT I LIED TO HIM ABOUT TALKING TO HIS BROTHERS GIRLFRIEND, WHEN HE DIDN'T WANT ME TALKING TO HER. I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE BAD TO TALK TO THE GIRL. THEN HE FOUND OUT, IT WAS ONE OF OUR WORST FIGHTS, HE IS A VERY STRICT BOYFRIEND. THEN ONE DAY I WAS LISTENING TO HIS VOICE MESSAGES AND A GIRL LEFT A MESSAGE THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE SHE CAME FROM. I ASKED. HE DENIED HIS SELF AT THE BEGINNING THEN HE SAID THAT THE GIRL HAD HIS # BEFORE HE MET ME. SO I FORGAVE HIM, THEN THE NEXT MONTH A GIRL LEFT A MESSAGE ALL FLIRTY, I ASKED HIM AGAIN, MEANTIME HE DIDN'T KNOW I HAD HIS PASSWORD AGAIN. HE GAVE ME THE WORST ATTITUDE, IT SEEM LIKE HE WANTED TO BE THE RIGHT ONE. THAT WAS ANOTHER BIG FIGHT. I LIVED WITH HIM FOR A YEAR. I CAN NOT IMAGINE MYSELF WITHOUT HIM. WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT WORD CAN I USE TO EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM? HE SAYS THAT HE LOVE ME AND WANTS TO MARRY ME ONE DAY. PLEASE GIVE AN ADVICE ON WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK OUT.

Well, it sounds to me that you are willing to settle for a guy who doesn't tell you the truth, who tells you what you want to hear, (whether he means it or not I don't know), and who is "strict" and controlling with you - telling you what you can do and what you can't - and you go along with all of this and allow it, or it wouldn't be happening. Right?

It sounds to me as if you are not placing enough value on yourself and how you deserve to be treated. You are placing all the value on him - what he wants, what he says - Is he more important than you? Is what he says and thinks and decides more important than what you say and think and decide? If you think so, then you're in for trouble and distress. As you said, you already feel that distress, and what you have sounds as if it doesn't feel very good.

You obviously didn't think talking to his brother's girlfriend was a no-no, but you didn't stand up for yourself and say: "Well, I choose to talk to her - that's my decision. It's up to me who I talk to. I make my own choices and decisions in my life." Instead, you had to resort to lying to him to feel safe. That isn't you standing firm in your own power, in who you are, and what you know to be right for yourself. That's you being afraid of someone. I don't think we're supposed to be in relationship with someone because we're afraid of them. Perhaps that's what you saw growing up, but it isn't the way it works so that both people come out feeling good about themselves. And that's what a relationship is all about. Learning together and helping one another grow and change into better human beings - not by controlling the other, but by respecting the other. Also, you're so afraid to lose him, that even though he is behaving so poorly, you want to find out what YOU can say to HIM not to lose him. What's all this fear about? How come you don't believe that you deserve better than that and think you have to put up with that kind of nonsense?

This is all about you Loving Yourself better and trusting that someone can love you and treat you well. But if you don't believe that you deserve that, deep down, or you think that this is just how a man treats a woman, well, then, you'll be stuck with someone who won't treat you well. You have to love yourself, and treat yourself well first, and know that you DESERVE to be related to with honesty and with respect - that you are not to be controlled by another or told what you can and cannot do. Until you yourself live from that way, and believe that, and accept nothing less than that, you'll continue to have a boyfriend - whether it's him or someone else - who acts the way he does. When you love and value yourself, you won't feel so desperate and needy, as you do now, to have someone else love you no matter what kind of crappy things he does. When you love yourself and value yourself, you'll be able to speak your truth and not feel you have to lie to do what you really want to do.

Being in a relationship with someone, a good relationship, doesn't mean that you are so afraid of your partner and his attitude, or so afraid of losing him, that you give up yourself. He isn't your parent or your father. It isn't a boyfriend's job to be "strict". It's a boyfriend's job to be a sensitive, kind, compassionate, mature person who sees his partner as someone to treat as an equal, not boss around, and definitely not control her and tell her what she can and can't do. That isn't Love. That's being someone's slave. Yet, you allow him to do this. How come?

Blessings, Ayal

279. "I'm itching to get out - literally!"


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