"I can't figure out who I am truly and which is my life path"
Today is my 21st birthday and the last few weeks have been intensely introspective. I feel that every time I look inside I find a new panorama, and new things I want to change about myself, new things I want to learn. But who am I truly? How can I reach the person I am really meant to be? What of all that noise is me and what is not? I feel there are so many things I want to improve within myself, that there's nothing right left in the end.
Where is my essence? What of all that interests me should I pursue the deepest? When am I really awake? Am I just being driven by my ego all the time, but in different levels that end up tricking me anyway? Why do people ask me why I can't be simple (it seems I always pick the difficult way of doing things)? Am I just too selfish and arrogant? How can I work to heal from my small but important childhood traumas? Will my self-esteem heal? Why can I feel so much joy that fills my every pore and then hate myself deeply later, and then deny it? Why on Earth would I hate myself, even for a second? What's in my core? In which of all the ways I know should I focus my work with what I am to know and be closer to the Absolute?
I feel my life is so full of clues like red arrows as soon as I take the time to look inside, but they show me only the next little step. I can't still figure out which is my life path. I know that what I ultimately want is to deepen my bond with God, the Absolute, but what's my niche? Catholicism? hatha yoga? astrophysics? a mix? The three of them move me very deeply, and show me a face of God, but I can't seem to pursue the three in depth at the same time, and following my own pick-and-mix path makes it even more difficult for me to be a socially functional person, and makes me feel lonely, even guilty.
Thank you, so, so much for all the time you took to reply to every one of the questions in your page, and thank you because in all of them you were replying to a part of myself.
Hi - It is wonderful to be so passionate about life, seeing the wonder and mystery of the universe spread out before you, and wanting to know all about it, and understand your place within it. It is wonderful to have so many questions. The flip side of that is that when you ask questions, then you must get calm and quiet enough to listen for the answers. You are just beginning this exciting process of discovery, and you are asking about the entire journey that life is all about, questions that all souls have asked for centuries. The journey does happen one step at a time. It can't be answered all at once. It is the steps along the way the moments, that give us the answers. And actually, that's all that life is - the moments. How we choose to respond to the moment that we are in is what life is all about. We learn to respond appropriately, with calmness, love, kindness, compassion, as we commit to this understanding. We learn to discipline our minds, face our issues honestly, be true to ourselves, transform our anxiety, anger, and fear, and then respond from clarity. It takes a lifetime - many lifetimes.
Sounds as if your challenge may be to be present in the moment and not look so far ahead. Developing the above mentioned qualities is what life is all about. Trust and patience are both important parts of the spiritual journey. "All good things grow slowly", like a tree growing deep roots. A great affirmation to live with is: "Just for today, do not worry."
Take it a day at a time, a moment at a time, and learn to live without worry. Be actively calm, and calmly active, trusting the process.
I invite you to read The Power of Now, by Edward Tolle, and also to read Caroline Myss's book, Anatomy of the Spirit. In that book she brings together the teachings of 3 great religions - Christianity, Judaism, and Hinduism to show how they all offer, actually the same road to God symbolically. It's very interesting and you may find it quite enlightening and useful.
We find our way by inner contemplation - through inner calm. Meditation is a great tool for this. If you do not have a meditation practice, I invite you to find a technique or take a course that appeals to you. Buddhist meditation would probably be great for you, to stay present in the moment. Jack Kornfield's tape series, The Inner Art of Meditation, would be wonderful for you to listen to.
The masculine energy forges ahead, is great with directions, and usually focuses firmly on the goal. The feminine energy walks gently along the path and notices and enjoys everything that is along the way. The balanced combination of masculine and feminine energies creates a wholeness that allows us to find our way but also be present in the moment. You might want to read about the balance of masculine and feminine energy in the article listed at the end of the Clearing the Way home page.