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"I feel ugly and inadequate when my boyfriend looks at porn"


I read your response to the woman who stated her husband looks at porn all the time (question 219). I understand your response but you didn't address the question completely. I am fairly young and I keep myself in good shape. My sex life with my boyfriend is amazing, but he still needs to view other woman outside of me. I feel very ugly when he does this, I feel like I am not giving him what he needs. We have discussed this at length but I still have the feeling like I am not what he is looking for completely. I am so sad and lonely. Please help me find the answers or help me find someone that can help me.


Hi. Well, I think my answer in the other letter is exactly what applies to you as well, but for some reason you are not willing to accept it for yourself. That's the real issue going on here, dear one. It is the same issue of insecurity going on for you that I spoke of in the other letter. The difference here is that you're not being willing to own it and do something about it for yourself. You want someone else to "do it right", change, or do it differently, and you think that then you'll feel better. Sounds as if there may even be some anger there toward others for not giving you what you need to feel better about yourself, or give you the answers, or for not "doing it right". The only one who can do that for you, is you. It doesn't work any other way. You have to be responsible for your own healing and your own issues.

Here's something interesting to check out. In effect, you are letting me know in your letter that I didn't do something well enough to make you feel better, or make you feel more secure. You basically pointed out, telling me I didn't do it good enough - but.... isn't that YOUR issue....? Isn't that the same thing you are doing with your boyfriend - thinking that it is his fault, what he does, that makes you feel insecure? That somehow he is not doing something right, and that is why you feel troubled?

It's not ever about another person, place or thing.

Everything is simply a mirror for us of ourselves in some way. It's not about my answer not being enough, or what he does that is the issue. It's YOUR belief that who you are is not enough, is not "right" or good enough in some way - and what you are doing with that is then projecting it onto others, thinking it's them, instead of doing the inner work you need to do to heal it and taking responsibility for it being YOUR issue.

Healing comes from taking self responsibility.

In some way, you do not want to take responsibility for having this issue, and then what you do with that is put it off onto others. Do you recognize this as something that you do?

When you are willing to take responsibility for your issues, and own them, then you have the power to change them. I invite you to use the formula for changing core beliefs found in the Laws of the Universe on this site to heal this. What scares you about seeing your own issues? If you already have a belief that you're not good enough, then seeing an issue may be difficult if you already think there's "something wrong" or "not good enough" about you. Instead, seeing an issue and taking responsibility for it is an act of strength. We all have to take showers, right? Emotionally as well as physically. Cleaning off stuff that we have gathered along the way doesn't mean that we're bad. It's actually an act of power and strength to do so.

A good affirmation to say is: "All the places in my mind, body, and life where this has been a problem are healing now." I'd invite you to say this 4 times a day for 4 weeks as you explore, if you choose to, what is really going on here for you. You aren't bad, or not good enough, in any way. But if you have a wound or a belief about this, then you will create feeling bad about yourself in one way or another.

Blessings, Ayal

next 253. "How to move on and stop fantasizing about someone who is now dating another?"

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