"I'm trying to work out what I should do with my life and what direction to take"
I've been trying to work out what I should do with my life or what direction I should take - trying to get on purpose. Here is some pertinent background information on me:
I'm adopted and out of the four people (biological parents or parents) that could have loved me I was loved by my father (not blood father) and he died of a heart attack when I was 22. Dad was my hero (very wealthy business man & very kind to all, big heart) and I had plans of trading shares etc with his money and with him as my business partner and mentor. He loved me and was open to this provided I could prove to him it was sound. When he suddenly died I fell apart and was immobolised (alone & isolated) for a few years. I lost my health, dropped out of university and drunk almost everyday (my alcoholism progressed). I was spiritually sick. I'm 27 now. I'm an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for about 18 months - thanks to AA and my GOD. I smoke a lot of tobacco and am a fairly private person.
Over the last 18 months I've tried all types of business things including Network Marketing (payed the membership fees, got on all the phone calls but didn't take action), Export/ Import (bought the course didn't do anything but plan & plan), Mail Order Business (bought the course & went to the seminars, created the website, payed for adverts - overspent and then decided it wasn't for me and cut my losses), Trading Futures (bought the course, traded a little, didn't focus) and have not had regular employment. My latest thing has been betting on horses and overall I've lost money. I started a horse tips service for about 14 days etc and am now researching sports betting to produce some income - becoming self reliant is very important to me. I don't want to be needy and have to depend on a weekly paycheck. For a lot of the time I've been receiving government assistance etc and had my partner (fianc ) pay half or often more of the expense. I desire to be self-reliant & the thought of getting a job over the long term makes me feel sick. I saw Dad earn big money working for a US multinational and then he died and nobody cared! A job seems a short term solution to a long term problem. I desire wealth and to make smart choices in life. Counsel from senior AA members is that I should do something that I'm passionate about and that guidance will come if I'm open to it ("ask & you shall receive"). I'm trying to get on purpose - I know I can do anything provided it doesn't hurt anyone.
During my lost and dark drinking years I know deep in my heart that GOD looked after me the whole time so I'm trying to move to a trusting and knowing. I work a lot on resentments, detachment and on being a loving person who gives and is not selfish. I ask God to make me a channel of his peace everyday (i.e prayer & in this regard, I live a somewhat spiritual life - i.e. my action of being kind to every soul I meet with) & read Wayne Dyer's books & also "Anatomy of the Spirit" by C.Myss, etc. I'm trying to find purpose and am confused about what direction to take. One minute I'm thinking "Yes I'll become a counselor (maybe study alternative medicine) maybe join the Salvation Army etc and then the next I'm dreaming of trading shares (I have the ability to do this), making a lot of money and buying real estate etc. These areas clearly contrast greatly (i.e. one is service and the other is capitalism). Both areas are appealing but I guess I'm just trying to get on purpose - there are no accidents, I know that I'm special and that I'm here to do something, a mission? Mother Teresa, Donald Trump, Henry Ford, Caroline Myss, Oprah, Michael Jordan and I presume Ayal Hurst also is very much on purpose. As always I remain open and I guess my God will provide guidance if I keep asking & am open to receiving.
Ayal, I feel a little guilty about making this so long with all the details but I believe that you will provide valuable insight and that you just like my late father are a big enough person to make the effort. By the way, I know that my alcohol addiction was a blessing in disguise as it has given me a chance to be real and begin to get to know myself (I'm allowed to be me today - when my Dad died I had no relation to self - I depended on him emotionally and financially). I've visited your site many times but am writing to you today - I guess there are no accidents and maybe the student is ready! Any suggestions, comments or insight whatsoever is most appreciated.
Hi - from what you have said, it sounds to me as if, when your father died, you felt totally alone and abandoned. As you said, he seemed to you to be the one person who really loved you and took care of you. I think that a lot of your sense of who you were and your security got lost at that time.
There are a lot of things showing up here for you that I'll go over briefly, and then give you some possible avenues of support.
I think that you need to let your father go. You are still needing his affection and his strength- but, at this point, this affection and strength must be generated by yourself, to yourself, big time. I think that you are still trying to prove yourself worthy to him by trying to follow in his footsteps. You have put an expectation on yourself and what your life "should" be based on what his life was. An unmet expectation is always an upset. Since you don't feel good about yourself already, having put those expectations on yourself is a set up to keep you in that same old loop of feeling bad about yourself. Your father already led his life. No one else is supposed to lead the life he led. That was for him to do. You are to walk in your own footsteps. No snowflake has the exact pattern as another. All are different, and are meant to be unique. You will only distort your own unique pattern and what you are here to give if you try to make yourself over into the pattern of another. You are depriving yourself, by trying to do so, of your own power, and then hastily trying to recoup it by making money fast - by gambling, etc. That won't work.
You say you desire wealth, but from what you said, you aren't willing or able, yet, to really work for it. This stems from a lack of ambition. The lack of ambition stems from a lack of belief in yourself. I also think that you can't focus on these plans and schemes because your heart isn't in it. If your heart isn't in it (instead what you're operating from is your mind, a belief about what you "should be" - wealthy, etc.), things can never flourish. The heart is the key for everything. That is why you start a lot of things, but don't finish them. The thought of a job makes you feel sick because, I think, you don't feel secure in your own ability to pull it off. This is an issue of lacking self acceptance. You're not yet in touch with YOUR OWN heart.
There is another reason why the thought of a job makes you feel sick. I think that you are frightened of being under someone else's authority. OK - here goes. What showed up for you was the issue of sexual abuse. When this issue shows up, I always ask that the person check into and explore this for themselves - I don't want to program anyone, but I offer it because it did show up. If it is true that you experienced sexual abuse, I think that the thought of being under anyone else's power would be very frightening to you. If you'll notice, all the ways you have tried to make money have not involved being under anyone else's authority. Sexual abuse issues take a lot of healing and have many branches to them. Dealing with this, if it resonates with you, will be extremely, extremely important.
Your emotional body is needing purification and development. This will come as you let go of your father and become truly willing to be yourself. If your father really loved you, he loved you for who you were, not for becoming a copy of himself. I think that it would be great for you to participate in some sweat lodge ceremonies. I am very particular, myself, about who I am willing to allow to lead a sweat lodge that I participate in. I invite you to request of the universe to allow the perfect person who is of the highest vibration, for the highest good, and clarity to come your way and offer some sweat lodge ceremonies. I'd do at least 4.
It is really important that you become and are being, at all times, true to yourself. The issue of following others showed up, as well as a lack of self control, and of feeling useless. This ties in with you depriving yourself of your own power. To deal with this, I invite you to do a shamanic journey to discover your power animal. Instructions will follow below. I'd do it often, and ask for the healing you need.
You mention trusting God a lot, but an issue showed up for you of needing to be willing to be open and receptive to Grace. I think that when there is an issue of not believing in oneself, or trusting oneself, it is also difficult to really open to or trust God, even if we think we are, since both are one and the same. As you open to loving and trusting yourself, you will also open to receiving Grace. Otherwise there is an undercurrent operating of not really believing we deserve it or that it can come to us.
A good affirmation might be: "I am now willing, able, and ready to open to loving and trusting and believing in myself as a capable, unique human being with my own sacred path. I am now willing to follow my own, sacred path. I am willing to receive Grace."
Your 5th chakra needs some healing - it deals with assimilating and communicating. Envision a beautiful sky blue spinning wheel of light at the throat and ask that whatever needs to be healed, restored, or released, is healed, restored, and released. I'd do this meditation 3 times a day for 4 months. This will also allow you to speak and get in touch with your truth.
Also, using the yellow pomander Aura-Soma, which is an antidote to nervousness and negative thoughts, and which brings back courage, clarity, laughter, and sparkle to life would be good for you. I also invite you to order and use the Aura-Soma essential oil # 20. You can receive info on this when you order it (firstname.lastname@example.org).
An issue of hyperactivity is showing up. I invite you to drink a lot of chamomile tea to help with this. 4 cups a day, every day, from now on.
One last thing - it would be great for you to do some Holotropic Breathwork sessions, at least 20, to deal with all of the above. It will also help you to release the constricted feelings and internalized melancholy, unresolved trauma and pain you carry in your body, and especially in your chest.
A good mantra for you is: "There are no negative experiences, although I can choose to define any experience as negative."
I also invite you to look up Tapas Fleming and her healing work on the Net. She has some techniques that will be useful for you.
Remember - strength of character takes time. It develops slowly, like a great tree growing deep roots. Looking for quick fixes won't do it for you, I think. Be willing to go deep, and grow strong, clear, loving roots. That is Power.
Shamanic Power Animal Journey
Here is the information on finding your power animal. You will need a tapeplayer and a tape of drumming that is especially made for shamanic journeys. This can be ordered from The Foundation for Shamanic Studies. The tape ought to be at least an hour long. If it isn't, re-copy it twice onto another tape to make it longer. When it is time to return from your journey, the drumming will speed up, so only have that speeded up part re-copied at the very end of the tape. If it is still light outside when you do this journey, you may want to put a cloth over your eyes to make it darker. Also, some people like to use headsets to listen to the drumming.
Get comfortable in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed for at least 40 minutes. Light a candle, and then do some slow, deep breathing to fully relax. As with doing any sacred ceremony, you may want to set up a protection around yourself and state an intention that only that energy which is your true Spirit of Unconditional Love and Life Force energy be with you and given to you. It would be good also to set up a cocoon of white light around yourself before you begin which puts this in place also. You can ask for guidance and protection from Great Spirit, the Creator, God, etc. That way you are very clear what your intention is and what you will only allow into your space. Lighting white candles is a good idea as they represent light and purity.
When you are fully relaxed, imagine that you are walking along a path that leads to a special place that you have actually seen before, a place that leads into the earth. This can be a cave, a hole in the ground, a hole in a tree, a rock overhang, etc. As you imagine walking along this path, use your imaginary senses to really be there - smell the air, feel the ground underneath your feet, notice the colors and sounds around you, feel the air against your skin. Take it all in. When you get to that place which leads into the earth, which is for you alone and no one else, enter into it, again using all your senses to explore the area for a bit. Feel if the walls are smooth or rough, wet or dry - if the air is cooler, etc.
Then, you will notice that there is a long tunnel leading down into the earth from this entranceway. Follow it down deeper and deeper into the earth. Allow the journey to take you as it will. Release any need to control it. Let happens what happens and just stay present with the experience. While you follow this tunnel deeper into the earth, hold in your mind and heart the intention that this journey is for you to connect to your power animal, your medicine ally. That is what you are there for. Eventually, you will notice that the tunnel ends at another entranceway. This entranceway leads you into the world of the Animal Spirits. This world is consists only of a world of nature. Natural landscapes are everywhere. There are animals everywhere - in the trees, grasses, by the rivers, on the mountains, etc. Notice what it looks like, what the landscape is like where you have arrived into this world. Leave the tunnel and begin to walk out into this world. Again, use all your senses as you explore this world. Notice what time of day or night it is, what's around you, the sounds and colors, the smells, the feeling of the air against your skin, how the earth feels under your feet, etc. Walk in this world taking it all in, holding your intention to meet your medicine ally, until an animal approaches you. When it does, ask it if it is your power animal. If it says yes, you may then journey on with it, learning about it, sharing with it, bonding with it, and asking for any help or guidance or answers you may need. If it says no, it is not your ally, continue walking until you meet the right one.
Ask your power animal to show you what happened in that past life, and to help you resolve and heal the issues - to learn how to come ffrom the power of your Spirit, the power of Love. When it is time to leave this spirit world, ask your power animal for a gift, and give it a gift in return. Ask how you can call upon it when you need to, and ask also if you need to keep what it is and what it shares with you private. When it is time to go, say goodbye, and thank you.
Then, return to the tunnel and walk back up out of the passageway until you return to the entrance where you entered into the earth. Walk back along your path, and return to the room where you are visioning from. Take some time to fully come back into your body, bringing ALL of yourself back, filling up all of your body with yourself, all the way to finger tips and toes and eyelashes. If you choose to, you can write in a journal about what you learned and what guidance you were given. Take some time to integrate this experience. Don't go out into the world too fast or try to do too much afterwards. Drink water, and remember to blow out the candles!