"Though I want to be with my partner I do not trust him"
I love your advice. I would like to ask for help. I am eight months pregnant and living with the father of my child, with my 7 year old and his six year old daughter who visits regularly.
I feel very much in love with my partner. We have been together for five years, but of those five, it has only been the past year that has been peaceful. I will not go into details, but we had such a stormy and violent relationship (on both sides), with so many ups and downs, that I left him after three and a half years. We spent the next year seeing each other at times, very little fighting, missing each other, discussing what had happened etc. I eventually ended up pregnant and we moved in together three months ago. We tried to heal the past by going to therapy, but I feel things are not healed.
There was always a lot of mistrust and jealousy on his part (the typical) yet now he is really happy and at peace (I sometimes feel it is because I am expecting HIS child). He seems really content and joyful etc. However, even though I want to be with him, it is I now who does not trust him. I found out that during all the time we were separated, and even a bit before, he had been seeing a woman about ten years younger than him (we are both 36). So when he cried on my shoulder all that year, he had a relationship going on. I made what I now think was the terrible mistake of speaking to her and found out things I wish I didn't know regarding how intimate they were. Despite all the pain and turmoil of our relationship, I had really trusted him and naively believed he was faithful or at least honest.
I faced him with the undeniable truth and evidence but he denies it and I know he will deny it whatever. I love him so much I am prepared to share him sexually, the thought is actually quite appealing, although I know it is a difficult road to walk. However, he says he doesn't want this and that I have nothing to fear and that he loves me and our family. I know we are both very headstrong, I feel like we are at the same level in term of intelligence and attractiveness. I want to be happy but I keep on thinking about things his ex said when we spoke. She said they were not seeing each other anymore, but she did tell me that they slept together and shared time right up until February (when we started living together). I cannot stop torturing myself. When I am with him I feel happy but the rest of the time I get very down. His ex was very sad and destroyed, he never told her the truth either. We had quite a warm conversation which in a way cleared up things for both of us and I actually feel for her. He said she was a liar and that he hardly knows her but I know this is not true as she said things that fitted in with each other and it was far too obvious she was not lying.
What can I do? I know trying to understand him or fathom out why he lied etc. is useless as it is pure speculation. It's a very ridiculous situation since I feel happy with the girls, with the baby and I am excited about life. Money's OK, work is fine, I feel beautiful and proud, but there is this wound which he refuses to share with me and so I am finding it hard to deal with on my own. Thank you very much.
Hi. Glad you find the information and the column useful for you.
Well, one of the main issues you are dealing with here is distorted masculine energy. The masculine energy, when it is clear and not distorted, is very noble and trustworthy, safe, and dependable. It operates ethically. It is assertive, but not aggressive. The true masculine energy can be firm and strong enough to admit when it needs to change something. It can take responsibility for its actions. That is courage. That is not going on here, and that is why there has been so much volatile and violent energy between you in your relationship. Why there is a lack of nobility and honesty going on.
Unless this is transformed, I think that you may be in for quite a lot of difficulties. There is a need showing up you for you to have more non attachment . There also seems to be a fear you have - a fear of loss of self, and this has led to a lack of assertiveness on your part - an inability to stand firm in what you need - which is again, a distortion of your own inner masculine energy.
There is a lot of inner work here for you to do. I feel a lot of concern that even though you saw the relationship as being difficult, you chose to move in with this man anyway. You both have children, and another on the way. The example you need to be offering these children needs to be a secure, good one. Having a lot of violence, if that is still going on, and deceit in a relationship does not offer them that. I invite you to deeply explore this after working with the issues presented below. What you choose to do, of course, is up to you.
One of the issues that showed up here was a feeling of being trapped. There is an issue dealing with sexuality, and an issue of selfishness. The issue of sexuality has to do with an imbalance that you have going on with your instinctual nature, or animal body. If you are more connected to this man out of a need for sexuality, then that is an imbalance in your instinctual nature. That needs to be reconfigured so that what you seek, embody, and attract is integrity, kindness, honesty, and higher consciousness. Sexuality is a part of life, but if it is lopsided, if there is more focus on it than is appropriate for some reason, or too much need for it, there will be difficulties.
There are a lot of issues showing up that have to do with you having a sense of unworthiness. When one has a sense of unworthiness, or incompetence, then often one settles for situations that are not for their highest good or that may be difficult to be in. It is very important for you to know that you are worth having the best energy around you for yourself and your children. Otherwise, you will compromise yourself, lose face with yourself, feel self destructive, and unhappy. I invite you to work with the formula for changing core beliefs found in the Laws of the Universe to change this belief in unworthiness that you have. Also, ask to see where this belief originated - check into it in meditation, and state that "all the origins of this problem are healing now!" It is important for you to not rely on another for your sense of self esteem. If you need to be in a relationship to feel loved or to have a sense of self esteem, that also sets you up to compromise yourself. You need to be able to feel that sense of self esteem from within. No one else can give it to you.
The issue of feeling overwhelmed showed up for you. This is because there are a lot of unconscious issues going on for you that you are not facing yet , and that need to be brought into the light. When not faced, these issues lead to mixed motives and great confusion. The issue of selfishness has to do with this - with a need for clarity, with you being, yourself, more open and honest in relating to others, with bringing greater consciousness to how you communicate, to the healing power and use of words in verbal communications.
So, along with this comes the need for you to balance your own inner masculine if you want to be with a man who also has a balanced masculine energy. There are many ways to get in touch with whatever part of us has been repressed or has become distorted, or out of balance. I invite you to do this meditation at least 6 times in the next 4 weeks; do this visualization where you find some quiet, alone time. Put on some gentle, soothing music (instrumental, no voices) and, after becoming quiet and relaxed, breathing deeply and gently for a few minutes, with eyes closed, you ask to see and speak with your feminine side. Then you Trust whatever shows up for you - whether it be impressions, or information, or thoughts, or a visual image, or a flash of memory or understanding. You then hold a conversation with this part and ask it what it needs, what may be troubling it, asking how you can help it to be more available to you, or more healthy. Then you also do this with your masculine side. As you work and directly connect with both parts of yourself, you will create a new and healthier, more dynamic balance between them.
You can then ask them to converse together, with each other, to share with one another what is needed also to create a symbiotic and complimentary, safe, trustworthy, wholeness between them. What is revealed may prove to be quite interesting. It is a good practice to do this checking in now and again to continue the healing and the growth process. This allows a healthy evolution of the masculine and feminine aspects of oneself. It creates a highly functional relationship between them, which then allows one to create healthy relationships in the external world. Working in harmony, honoring the gifts which each aspect of our being brings to us, creates a dynamic and healthy, well balanced life.
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There is one other thing that my guidance informed me would be good to bring into greater consciousness with you, as you are dealing with these issues. You mentioned, briefly, sort of in passing in your letter, that the thought of sharing your boyfriend sexually was actually quite appealing to you. Well, isn't that what DID happen? In other words, if you have a pattern in your system, in your memory banks, where, perhaps you saw people doing this, sharing partners sexually, for instance - if you grew up seeing that, then that would be stored away in your filing system as how relationships are - or, as what happens in a relationship. I don't know if this happened around you or not - but, the reality is, we create from our beliefs and thought forms. So, you DID create this belief manifesting in your life, right? You did end up sharing your boy friend with someone else. However, even though a part of you, as you said, finds this appealing for some reason, another part of you was devastated. So - herein lies some great confusion. I think that you need to do some exploring to find out where the appeal or belief in sharing a partner comes from, and whether or not it is truly a belief that works for you and that you want in your life - if you want to keep it. If it is an unconscious thought form, it will continue to manifest in your life - you will continue to create it happening. There is a big split going on here, within yourself - do you see this? So, healing it will be very useful for you, I think.