"I love my husband but feel like I'm growing out of this marriage"
I have been married for 20 years to a good man. We have 2 children, 12 and 14, and moved to Michigan from Texas 5 years ago. I will be 43 on May 23rd and since the beginning of this year I have felt a change coming from deep inside me. I feel like things that were once important to me (money, a house, a marriage, security) have moved down on the list and things I had been putting aside are now impossible to ignore (meditation, helping others, strengthening my spiritual body). I love my husband, but not in the same way, I almost feel like I am growing out of this marriage. He does not mistreat me but he doesn't encourage my growth either.
On March 17th I meet a man that moved me deep down. We didn't even speak, just had this visual exchange, eye to eye. I met him again 3 weeks after that (business function) and he vocalized everything I was feeling. I was shocked and overwhelmed and everything inside me points to our having a beautiful and powerful future together. He lives far away and we communicate by phone and email. The problem is this, how can I have this happiness if I cause my husband and children pain? Is there a possible way to handle this? I have been praying and meditating on this and have come to realize that even if this man chooses not to be in my life, there is something different I need to do with my life.
I keep going back and forth with feelings of confidence and knowing to feelings of guilt and selfishness. I guess I'm asking for guidance as to how to continue. I'm in no hurry, but I feel this sense that everything is picking up speed. My biggest problem is that he will be so absolutely crushed and angry, very very angry. This anger will be bad for him and the children and I am so afraid I will somehow stunt their growth (spiritual) and totally shake up their world.
Sorry this is so long. Thank you for your help, thank you for being there.
Hi. Well, I hear that you are in a new phase of growth, and that always will shake things up in any relationship. When I go through a big growth spurt, it usually takes my husband a while to catch up, and during that in-between, limbo time, things can get difficult and disconnected between us until we are once again paralleling one another and moving along the same track, except that we reconnect on a new level. There are many times for us when that happens.
I think that your attitude of not being in a hurry is a good one... when in the midst of intense inner change, that is usually not the time to make major moves until you see where you are at when you have landed, so to speak.
I can only advise you in this way: speak your truth to your husband after exploring some of the possible issues discussed here, after diving more deeply within yourself. Find out what's really going on for you. Only good can come from speaking your truth. But you need to find out what that is. Right now, you are not honoring the commitment you have, or the 20 years of marriage you've been through, by communicating with another man, whom you are thinking of as a potential partner, behind his back. How can you move into a new level of spiritual growth, which is what you say you want, by doing that? If you are seeking spiritual growth, which is living with INTEGRITY, INNER STRENGTH, and from a place of TRUTH, you won't find it by doing that. Right? The fact that you are doing that tells me that you are not yet committed to finding this growth within yourself. You are talking more about jumping into something external rather than finding your own strength from within yourself. I think that may be the same old pattern you've been in.
First you must find this evolution and inner strength within yourself. It won't come from something external. It will come from what you commit to, what you grow, how deeply you dive, within yourself.
I think that often when we get excited by something, we get like children - we want to run right out and try something new, and we think that that is what will bring us joy. And often it does. However, as adults, we also must weigh and measure what is really going on. I think your inner child is excited, and what you've had seems old and boring... but if you act from the place of the excited child, I think that you may find cause for distress. The adolescent in us also gets all excited when a new boy flashes us a penetrating grin, and we start to have fantasies which swirl totally and madly away from what has really happened. I don't know what is up for you in your life - but I think you are not fully operating from your adult place, especially since you are doing something behind your husband's back.
If you are not happy with him, and the relationship is not fulfilling, address that with him. Be honest, and see where that goes. Deal with it from a mature place, not from sneaking around behind someone's back as a rebellious or scared teenager would. THAT is your spiritual growth right there. If you want to leave the relationship, do so for mature reasons, from a clean, clear place - not because someone has flashed you a one tingly minute eye connection.
My advise would be don't leave a relationship saying it's because you want spiritual growth... but what you're really doing is jumping into another - if you leave, leave to find yourself, your path, your own absolutely essential path to fulfill your own sacred contract for your life this time around. It's up to YOU to find your fulfillment in life. Maybe this new man is a part of that - maybe not. Maybe you're just bored or still dependent on others to do that for you. So, address that honestly with yourself, and then speak of what you've discovered with your husband. Your job is to be spiritually mature, honest, and operating from a place of impeccable integrity. If you absolutely cannot evolve with your husband, then that is a valid reason to go. However, it sounds as if you haven't really seen yet whether or not that is possible if you haven't spoken truthfully with him about it. If you are seeking evolution right now from within yourself - I'm not sure that looking for the excitement of another person is the way to find it.
Be honest, and see where that takes you. I invite you to fully tell him what's going on. Stand firmly on your own ground, sharing with him what is going on for you in your life. Whatever you feel, whatever you go through and experience is valid: your truth about what goes on for you is valid, and is not to be dismissed, by yourself, or others. Then see what shows up as possibilities from that sharing of truth.
If you have difficulty doing that - then that is where your inner, spiritual work lies. It sounds as if you are afraid of his anger. That too, is a place to do spiritual healing work with yourself. What is that fear of his anger all about? Are you able to share your truth from a place of knowing it to be valid? If not, what's going on for you (this is not about him - it's about you) with that? Are you giving your power away? Are you able to make your own decisions and trust yourself? Are you willing to be fully yourself, in your own power, in each and every minute? Or do you look to others to fulfill you? If these issues are within you, you will continue to have them in other relationships as well until they are addressed.