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"Why do I feel so threatened by the presence of other women?"


My name is Charlene and I discovered your website one day and saw your response to a woman who wasn't sure if she could trust her partner or not. I was hoping that would you'd be able to give me some advice in regards to a similar situation. I am 22 yrs old and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together for a little over 5 months. I am his first serious relationship. According to him, he has dated quite a few girls before, but has never been in a relationship for more than three months. I on the other hand, have been involved in two previous long term relationships, each lasting for at least 2 years.

My concern is that sometimes i am not sure how devoted he really is to me. Last weekend, we went out to dinner with his sister and some of her friends. When we met up with them, there was another female there, Desiree, whom he used to have a very very big "crush" on to say the least. Neither him nor I knew that she was going to be there, since our dinner plans were last minute. But he had told me about her before. Nothing ever happened between them because she did not have the same feeling for him as he did for her. Actually meeting her made me wonder if he ever thinks about her every once in awhile. Am i being paranoid? I probably am, but i don't know how to keep myself from thinking like this sometimes.

He doesn't have many female friends, so when i do find out about one or two, I'm not sure what to think. He and I have gone over our insecurities before, when we first got into our relationship, but sometimes my insecurities start to get the better of me. Sometimes i feel as if i am being too affectionate and not good enough... and i keep trying to tell myself it is all in my head... but why do i let myself feel so threatened by the presence of other women is his life?

Should i attempt to talk to him about some of what i am feeling, or should i basically get over it? I am afraid all of my insecurities will just push him away... What can i do?

Thanks, Charlene

P.S. i apologize for the long email and know you are probably a very busy person. I understand if you don't have to send a reply, especially to an email from a ridiculously insecure 22 yr old. But thanks for taking the time to hear me out anyway.


Hi - your P.S. is very revealing - and the crux of the whole matter is right there. What has you think that you're any less important than any other person who writes in to me? Check out how you define yourself: "a ridiculously insecure" person. That's a lot of harsh self judgment. Sounds as if you aren't too fond of yourself, or think that you're worth it. How come? What are the origins of this belief and self denigration? Expressing yourself in such a way, "Oh, I'm so unimportant" - making yourself small and worthless doesn't serve anyone - including yourself. What does being that way get you? It must get you something, or you wouldn't do it. Does it keep you safe? I invite you to explore what has you keep this energy.

When you see someone happy and shining and radiating strength and love, don't you also want to feel that way? It's inspiring. You, too, can be that inspiration to others, but only when you love yourself, feel that inner strength, and are an inspiration to yourself.

If you are broadcasting loud and clear, which you are, that you don't like yourself and that you are worthless, that you don't expect to receive any attention - that you expect to be overlooked and left for others - then that is what you will create. We create from our beliefs and thought forms. And thought forms, which are simply energy patterns, can be changed into anything you wish. If you think it, you can create it - if you also allow yourself to FEEL that way. What stops you from feeling that way? What would happen if you did? Isn't feeling that way as valid an option, as much of an option, as feeling worthless? It's up to you to choose which you want. Then, you grow it.

There are some issues here with the mother that need to be cleared up and healed. Did she relate in a self demeaning way? Was she not devoted to either you, or herself in some way? Are you unconsciously modeling your energy after how she was? What decisions did you make regarding yourself due to this, if this resonates with you?

When you are devoted to yourself, then what you will create is others being devoted to you as well, since the universe is just a mirror of what energy we are putting out. The issue isn't that he isn't devoted to you. The issue is that you're not sure of your devotion to yourself. Change that, and your external world will reflect that back to you. Your security doesn't come from others - your security or sense of self worth doesn't come from how devoted they are to you or not. It comes from within you. That's basic life how it is 101.

We're all gardens, and we get to grow what we choose. Growing things does take time, but nurturing your garden is a wonderful thing to do. Think of yourself that way. We weed out what we don't want, and tenderly nurture and water what we do want. Then people come to our gardens and enjoy - or, they don't feel comfortable with the energy and they leave. What do you want in yours?

Blessings, Ayal

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