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"Am I mature enough to have a fulfilling relationship?"

Dear Ayal,

I recently discovered that an ex girlfriend, who I've remained in contact with, is moving in with a man; and it's hitting me really hard.

I don't understand why I hold onto dead relationships for such a long time, it's been more than a year; and the relationship was problematic and geographically impossible. I feel so pathetic, and am seriously worried if I'm ever going to have the maturity to have a fulfilling relationship; why am I afraid to let go of this idea, this fantasy, when in reality it didn't work?

I can't fight this feeling of rejection, and I can't feel happiness for this person whom I love very much; though by the way I want to hurt and punish her for seeking her own happiness, I wonder if what I feel is more attachment than love.


Hi - it's hard to feel happy for others when one doesn't feel happy for or good about oneself.

If you are wanting to hurt someone because they have found happiness and you haven't, that is definitely not love. That's anger. Love can only Love. It's your ego tangled up here, and that's not where loving someone comes from. Who you are really angry at is yourself. You are beating yourself up, but then twisting that around, projecting it away from you and onto her, thinking you want to beat her up. Bring it back to you.

When others "reject" us- that is a mirror that we have rejected ourselves. You have rejected yourself way before anyone else plays that out for you. You have rejected yourself by not loving yourself, thinking that you are pathetic, etc. So, to reiterate it again - the problem here is that you aren't loving yourself. Before love can work for you in an external relationship, it has to work within yourself - first you have to love yourself - not in an arrogant ego based way, but in the same way that you'd love anything wonderful and beautiful in life. If you can't see yourself as that, how can you see anything else as that? It's your eyes that look out at the world, and if your eyes are angry because you don't feel love for yourself, then you will see all else from that angry perspective.

You hold onto "dead relationships" because you think that you will find love from an external source, from others, and when those "others" don't seem to love you, you are stuck. You get stuck because you are seeking that love from outside of yourself. Like Brer Rabbit demanding that the tar baby give him back some attention. When it can't, he throws a fit and hits it and gets stuck in the tar. That's exactly what's happening here for you. You want that love and attention to come to you from them, and when it can't, you feel angry and hurt and think it's because you're a terrible person. We can't get love that way. And if we try to, we get stuck, like banging on a brick wall or demanding cokes from an empty coke machine. You can spend the rest of your life pouring quarters into an empty coke machine, and screaming at the coke machine, but you'll still never get a coke. You're "looking for love in all the wrong places." Love comes from within you. When you look there, you'll find it and you'll stop demanding that it comes from somewhere else. When we understand that, we begin to mature spiritually and emotionally.

People can only read the script we present them with - the script that we've written out for ourselves, We are exactly like a computer print out - what we type into our computer (our energy field) is what gets printed out for others to read. If you print into yourself a belief that says you deserve to be rejected, Guess what will happen? People will play out that role for you, like an actor playing a part that the director of the play assigned for them. It's your script. What do you want to type into yourself? What would it feel like to love yourself? It's all up to you.

No - you can't "fight" rejection - fighting anything isn't the answer. Embracing it is. When you can embrace this issue in yourself in a loving way - when you can embrace yourself as you would tend to a hurt little boy who had fallen down and his knee was all bloody... and he came to you crying, for help, feeling hurt... and you took him in your arms, wiped his face gently, took him by the hand and said: "Let's go fix that knee." - then you will begin to heal this.

The question to explore here is "What has you rejecting yourself?" Where did that come from? Looking into that belief that says that you don't deserve to be loved is the answer here. How come you believe that? Again: What would it feel like to love yourself? Feel that on a consistent basis, and you're on your way.

Are you any different from any other creation or spark of God? Rejecting your birthright - that you ARE a spark of God and consist of all that goes with that - Love, beauty, wisdom, compassion, joy - is what's going on here. Our journey is all about finding and REMEMBERING that! So, how about getting started? I think you've already begun by searching for answers.

Blessings, Ayal


Dear Ayal, thanks for your response. I've had time to reflect a little since I posted my message about being hurt and angry at my ex girlfriend moving in with a man. It's funny how so much suffering is a result of denying the truth that is already inside of me, my anger has become incredible sadness. She is a very loving and wise woman, further down the road than me - and unreachable because of the physical distance and the lessons I need to learn first.

Thank you, I am really afraid to take these steps to loving myself, it feels like a large part of me has been locked up for so long; but I have to do it - I can feel that part of me that so badly needs companionship and love, to just sit on a sunny porch and sip tea with someone, and feel togetherness.


Hi - you sound as if you are making wise choices. I invite you to allow yourself to feel the sadness - whenever it comes up - which it will, in layers, at different moments - and just let it release. That is the wound clearing out. Just let it flow out of you WITHOUT HOLDING ONTO IT. That's part of the healing. Being willing to release that will make room for joy! There can often be fear to feel these emotions, as you expressed, to change into something new, as we get so used to being in the old pattern - but the fact is, those uncomfortable and distressing patterns have been in there affecting your life anyway - you've already felt them, actually, and they haven't given you what you really want in your life. So, bringing them out into the open and releasing them consciously and feeling them is not actually as scary as holding onto them... for that is what has brought about the pain and distress.

The key here is to know that there is nothing to fear - however, fear may also be an emotion that you may need to allow to rise up, as you will be doing with the sadness, and release. It, too, is simply a form of energy. Allowing yourself to feel AND RELEASE whatever you need to is the key. Allow yourself to take care of yourself by feeling your feelings and then letting them go. Do we get afraid to go to the bathroom and release what we no longer need? Nope. It's a natural process - take in, let go. Take in new stuff, let go of old stuff. We are changing every moment of our lives actually - new skin cells are constantly being created and sloughing off - so - change is something that you already do all the time. When you see it this way, it isn't something unknown. It's just a matter of perception. We change every moment of our lives simply by breathing. So, too, with old emotions that got stuck! Whatever beliefs or patterns kept you in a certain locked up place are only that - energy that got stuck into a certain wavelength.

Check out what your fears may be about loving yourself and moving into a new pattern... are you afraid that you can't do it, or that by seeing these beliefs you'll think that you really are bad? A lot of times people get afraid to face the old, afraid to release it to bring on the new because they think that just because they operated that way - out of a misconception, from a pattern or belief that didn't work well - that, see, I did this so that confirms that I truly am bad. It doesn't. Just like the little boy who sometimes falls down when playing with life, we all fall down - into patterns that may not work very well. Then we get hurt, but we take care of that hurt by loving ourselves, being gentle with ourselves, and continuing on to learn and play and grow in life - just like the little boy will do after he gets his hurt taken care of. We learn as we go. We all fall down at times. Maybe we fall down just to give us the opportunity to then be loving to ourselves!

As you release your fear or sadness and see what the pattern or belief was, then you have options to create new patterns and beliefs, which can be a very wonderful and exciting creative process. Life is ever new - every moment is a new opportunity to create whatever we choose. The place to focus on is the wonderful feeling you will have - feel it as if it's already there with you - of loving yourself, feeling like a ray of sunshine shining out at everything - and creating wonderful relationships from that place. The more you focus on that, the more you bring it into being.

Do you remember that in the first e-mail I said a time would come when you could put these energies or patterns into the center of your heart to let them be transformed there? You may want to try that now. Just sit in meditation, in a quiet place, and breathe deeply. Feel whatever it is that is bothering you simply as an energy - get in touch with what it feels like - and then, when you are ready, find the center of your heart, and see a door that opens into it. Go inside there, look around, feel what it's like to be inside the center of your heart - and place that energy you want to be transformed there and say : "Let there be light." That's all. Then trust that it is being taken care of. Do this any time something comes up for you that you are ready to transform.

You also said that this woman is a wonderful being - further down the road than you are. Well, everything in life that we bring into our lives is a mirror of ourselves. A reflection of ourselves. So, all that you saw in her that you loved and valued is also who you are. It must be, for that is how it works. So, take a good, unprejudiced look at who you really are, too!!

Blessings, Ayal


Dear Ayal,

I just wanted you to know that, on your recommendation, I have started reading "Anatomy of the Spirit"; I have only just begun, so I'm not completely immersed yet.

You have been such a source of guidance for me and I'm very grateful for the time and energy you've spent on your replies to me. Using a visualization for detaching energy links from me to others and visa versa - Cutting the Cords That Bind You - whether my as yet sceptic mind believes in the existence of such links, has helped enormously; so perhaps I do believe in them ;-). I've also been able to soothe my anxiety about my future with the simple idea that good will flow from a happy mind and body, I am not invincible; but I will at least not attract negativity.

I made peace with my ex girlfriend in an email that wished her well in her new relationship, and apologised for directing my anger about myself at her. I feel sad, but I understand the sadness; I feel like I'm starting from a position of truth.

I finished Anatomy of the Spirit and now my brain is trying to digest, with some resistance. I was expecting uncomfortable and disturbing aspects of myself to raise their heads: it's going to take a lot of discipline to keep myself here and now, avoid blaming and judging; and many other troubles I have in each chakra - but at this precise moment in time, I seem to be keeping some balance.

My father's father was a Christian preacher, my father completely rebelled and became a smoking, drinking agnostic; hence even the slightest hint of me considering a spiritual outlook on life resulted in severe cynicism and horror stories of religious brain-washing. I realize that my fear of accepting the existence of a higher power than humans is partly because of my father and partly because I'm afraid of losing approval from my tribe, who I fear would call me a bible-basher or a Jesus freak. My biggest problem is that I feel I may have strayed so far off my path, and so ignored my own intuition; that I feel very lost - I have been doing things like moving and doing a degree more out of fear of not doing anything, I don't have a sense of rightness. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for the book recommendation, I shall probably read it again; it has been a powerful read - but it's also important that I do.


Thanks so much for your letter. I know what you mean about feeling clenched up about the religious and or spiritual stuff - when religion becomes a means to control others, or impose beliefs on others, it has become detrimental force. All too often "religious" people become fundamentalists, and then their scope is extremely narrow minded and aggressive, and they can use their religious philosophy to hide their own issues and "demons" : issues which they are not facing but projecting outward onto other groups or beings.

I have found that an open minded understanding of spirituality however, is so very different from all of that, as perhaps you are finding. Often, finding our way as a spiritual being can be looked upon with mistrust by our tribe, or family. My father once told me when I was 21 that he wanted me "a thousand miles away from my brother with my Buddhist influence!" I was deeply hurt and terribly crushed. For a long, long time I felt like a pariah in my own family, and I still have wounds to heal from that time. That fear of being rejected by the tribe, and therefore not surviving or being loved, or valued, is a huge one to triumph over. When we do, however, what we gain is that we know that we can never lose that love - we become so solid, and we stand on our own firm ground (hopefully not narrow minded ground!!).

I think the reward is that we can then, finally, just love others without "needing" or trying to grasp anything from them - which to me feels like freedom - it's still love, but loving others in freedom - because we already ARE self generating Love. We become our own sacred ground that we walk upon, so to speak. We know that as sacred ground, our path, our feelings, are valid. And no one else has to follow what we follow, or do what we do. It is enough that we fulfill our own contract with ourselves. A journey worth taking, I believe. Not necessarily easy. But one full of strength.

It can be difficult to step out of the deep programming of the tribe - but, it is something crucial we do need to do I believe - not throw out the baby with the bath water... we need to keep what was good and loving and clear and supportive from the tribe, for denying that doesn't serve us either - for to deny our family is to deny ourselves in some way - (since "All is One") - but yet we must find our own wings, taking what was good with us as building blocks - a platform to fly from.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the book I too, have re-read it and still find layers and layers of stuff I hadn't seen before. I also need to re-read it and re-read it. I think her info is very clear.

It sounds to me as if you are finding your way, and are really getting to the heart of what's going on for you - to even sense that you have "strayed" off your path shows an awareness of the path itself - you have to know where it is in order to know that you've stepped off of it, I think - so, you may not be as far off course as you think! If you were really lost, you wouldn't even know there WAS a path.

Take a look at what your sense of rightness has already led you to - to the site, to our connection, to the book, to making peace with your girlfriend, to taking personal responsibility for what's up for you - hey - I think your sense of rightness is doing pretty darn good! I suspect that what you are feeling - that sense of being lost, was where you were - not where you are now. I think that's just you releasing the old feelings you no longer need because you ARE feeling more "found" now, so to speak. That's called discharge. When you drop a rock in a bucket full of water - the rock being a new insight, knowledge, or some kind of evolutionary step forward you've made, and the bucket being all your old garbage and old ways and old programming, water will overflow from the bucket, right? That's like taking a shit. You've put in new info, and the old stuff has to leave and discharge out of the bucket to make way for what's appropriate for you now.

So, I think what you may be feeling now is discharge. What one does with discharge is just recognize it for what it is, and let it pass, even if it feels incredibly intense. And sometimes, the old stuff does wash out of the bucket like a tidal wave. Just wink at it from some part of your being that recognizes what is happening while holding onto the railing so you don't get washed away with it. "Wheehaw!!!I I'm in discharge!! Must have had a rock in my bucket!!" Then, once the discharge passes, we see what we have learned, transformed, and what new level we have moved to.

Blessings, Ayal

next 229. "Since marrying I feel unable to do anything meaningful"

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