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"I am depressed about not having a boyfriend in my life"

Dear Ayal,

I do not know where to turn, and out of desperation I am seeking your help. Well, I am turning twenty in less than a week, and even though I realize that I'm really young, I feel that my life is at a stand-still.

I feel that I have not accomplished anything in my life to give it meaning, and at the same time I feel no ambition to move forward.

In reality my problem is this: I feel that there is something missing in my life, and that something I think is a boyfriend, a companion who cares about me. In fact, I have never had one. While all my close friends are constantly going out with guys or having loving relationships, I am always the one that looks on with slight envy. When I was little, I used to be painfully shy, and I used to think that that was the reason that I never had a boyfriend, but I know that I have definitely outgrown my shyness. Actually, in the past guys have always been attracted to me, so I know that I am not deficient in the looks department. (Honestly, I am not trying to sound conceited, in fact I have the lowest self esteem of anyone I know, I am just trying to paint a clear picture). I have always been told that I am a very pretty girl, and that has taught me to look toward life with a happy expectation that I will find true love, but my dreams aren't coming true and I fear that my life will continue this way.

To make matters even worse, I think that I am suffering from an eating disorder. I can not stop eating. Even if I am not hungry, if there is food anywhere near me, I will eat it. I have psycho-analyzed myself many times, and I believe that my binging stems from my depression about not having a boyfriend. But this only serves to create a vicious cycle, because I have put on so much weight, that no boy has been physically attracted to me in the past two years if not more. I am deeply, deeply unhappy, but I have gotten in such a rut, that I am reluctant to do anything about it. I have become accustomed to my unhappy, unhealthy lifestyle, and I feel like I am too emotionally and physically drained (I feel fat and unhealthy) to do anything about my circumstance such as adopt a healthy lifestyle. I really do not know what to do. I tell myself that everyday will be a fresh start, but everyday, I go back to my unhealthy habits. I feel that if I don't do something by my twentieth birthday, my life will continue on this unhappy, lonely path forever.

My gut feeling tells me that in some way I am afraid of men and my self sabotage is an unconscious attempt to shield myself. But I do not know the reason for this. Please tell me what you think of my situation. I will deeply appreciate any advice you can give.

Hi - Depression does not stem from not having something in one's life. Depression stems from repressing something you need to face - there is some fear or issue you are not facing. It takes all of your energy to keep the issue down, hidden away, and so you have no energy left to use to build your life with in a positive way. There is a sexual trauma issue showing up for you. Whenever this does show up in the information I receive, I ask that the person tune into this for themselves to see if it resonates, as I do not want to program people. So, if something comes up for you about this, if it feels right to you, then I suggest you explore it in a safe, therapeutic way. Sexual trauma can distort the 2nd chakra. I invite you to concentrate on the 2nd chakra area ( the pelvic, genital region) and visualize a glowing, spinning, beautiful, orange wheel or light there. Ask that this chakra be restored to full health and functioning, that whatever needs to be released is released, and whatever needs to be restored is restored. I'd so this 3 times a day for 3 weeks. There is an issue of self respect showing up along with this. How would it feel, instead, to fully love and respect yourself? Focusing on and integrating that feeling would be an important step for you. What is missing from your life is your healing of this issue so that you can move forward. It is not an external thing.

From what you have described, this sexual trauma issue does seem to fit the picture. Eating when you are not hungry is a way to try to fill a void in your life, or to possibly hide from something disturbing that you need to face. A lot of weight gain also does effectively make one feel unattractive and therefore, if relationships present a threat or are fearful to you due to some trauma experienced, it is an effective way to keep them away from you.

A good intention to say to start the healing process moving for you is this: All the places in my mind, body, and life where this has been a problem is healing now.

Doing some holotropic breathwork sessions would be good for you. You can look this up on the Net for a practitioner near you. I suggest a minimum of 3, but doing 5 would be more optimal.

The emerald green pomander aura soma product for going to the heart of things would be very useful for you while dealing with these issues. Also using the St. Germain quintessence for changing negative energies into positive ones would be good - it is a catalyst for change, as well as the Sanat Kumara and Lady Venus Kumara quintessence, for helping resolve an issue and bringing it all together. You can order them at (830) 935-2355.

Blessings, Ayal

226. "Even my best friends are abusive and undermine me"

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