"I suffer from the decision I made as a child to suppress my wildness"
My friend told me about how much you helped her and showed me your website. She gave me this e-mail address to contact you, I hope this is okay.
When I was very young, I remember making a decision to suppress my wildness. There was a primal, wild power in me that I was afraid would harm people. My whole life I have felt numb without this raw, sensual aspect of me. I created circumstances in my life (physically abusive family, constant experiences with rejection, having no sexual partners, quitting the ballet company I performed with, and having chronically low energy for at least two decades) that would prevent me from expressing this part of me. From reading "the laws of the universe" I realize that I am the creator and that I acknowledge my fear, a fear that attracted people and situations, so I would be confronted with my issues and release them so I could evolve. Now I feel this same energy I once held back surging through me.
Last year, I felt guided to purchase a CD of chants and mantras to Kali (I had no idea who she was) and for the next month I was extremely sexually active, had a skydiving lesson, and formed a rock band. It was the first time in my life I actually felt alive. The first time I even remember smiling. Unfortunately, this energy left and listening to the chants doesn't manifest it any longer. I am back to how I felt before, like there is this beautiful aliveness stuck inside me struggling to get out. What can I do to bring this forth? I also have a surge of energy running through my arms and shoulders since I stopped dancing, is this connected?
Hi - there seems to be a conflict going on within you that has these two warring parts:
- the wild woman you describe
- an unconscious but deep seated revulsion to the physical body and earthly world which has to do with an issue of self hatred.
Perhaps you came into this life to resolve these two factors. If so, it makes sense that you would love the wild woman part of you that would help you to overcome the other issue.
There was a trauma that you experienced and internalized, that you need to become aware of and heal. For some reason, allowing your wild woman out is threatening to you. I don't think you're afraid it will harm others. I think you are afraid that something will harm you. I suggest that you sit in meditation and ask what you believe will happen if you allow your wild woman to come out. Also, I think it would be a good idea to ask both the wild woman part and the part that feels a revulsion to the physical body to each come forth and speak with you. Then, you could allow them to speak with one another, like having a conference around the table, so to speak. This is a hypnotherapy visualization which can be done by yourself simply in meditation.
Issues in the 2nd chakra showed up, which deal with the giving and receiving of physical, mental, and spiritual pleasure. This is the chakra found at the pelvic area of the body. I invite you to tune into this chakra and see if you sense anything going on there. We can ask to speak to any body part while in meditation, and it will give us information if we allow ourselves to open to receive it. You can also visualize a glowing, beautiful, orange spinning wheel of light there, and ask that whatever needs to be healed, restored, or released, is healed, restored, and released. I'd do this twice a day for3 weeks.
Doing a shamanic power animal journey would help you as well. You can ask the power animal when you meet it what went on to cause this split within you, as well as what the surge of energy is that you mention in your arms. Following are instructions for this journey:
Shamanic Power Animal Journey
You will need a tapeplayer and a tape of drumming that is especially made for shamanic journeys. This can be ordered from The Foundation for Shamanic Studies. The tape ought to be at least an hour long. If it isn't, re-copy it twice onto another tape to make it longer. When it is time to return from your journey, the drumming will speed up, so only have that speeded up part re-copied at the very end of the tape. If it is still light outside when you do this journey, you may want to put a cloth over your eyes to make it darker. Also, some people like to use headsets to listen to the drumming.
Get comfortable in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed for at least 40 minutes. Light a candle, and then do some slow, deep breathing to fully relax. As with doing any sacred ceremony, you may want to set up a protection around yourself and state an intention that only that energy which is your true Spirit of Unconditional Love and Life Force energy be with you and given to you. It would be good also to set up a cocoon of white light around yourself before you begin which puts this in place also. You can ask for guidance and protection from Great Spirit, the Creator, God, etc. That way you are very clear what your intention is and what you will only allow into your space. Lighting white candles is a good idea as they represent light and purity.
When you are fully relaxed, imagine that you are walking along a path that leads to a special place that you have actually seen before, a place that leads into the earth. This can be a cave, a hole in the ground, a hole in a tree, a rock overhang, etc. As you imagine walking along this path, use your imaginary senses to really be there - smell the air, feel the ground underneath your feet, notice the colors and sounds around you, feel the air against your skin. Take it all in. When you get to that place which leads into the earth, which is for you alone and no one else, enter into it, again using all your senses to explore the area for a bit. Feel if the walls are smooth or rough, wet or dry - if the air is cooler, etc.
Then, you will notice that there is a long tunnel leading down into the earth from this entranceway. Follow it down deeper and deeper into the earth. Allow the journey to take you as it will. Release any need to control it. Let happens what happens and just stay present with the experience. While you follow this tunnel deeper into the earth, hold in your mind and heart the intention that this journey is for you to connect to your power animal, your medicine ally. That is what you are there for. Eventually, you will notice that the tunnel ends at another entranceway. This entranceway leads you into the world of the Animal Spirits. This world is consists only of a world of nature. Natural landscapes are everywhere. There are animals everywhere - in the trees, grasses, by the rivers, on the mountains, etc. Notice what it looks like, what the landscape is like where you have arrived into this world. Leave the tunnel and begin to walk out into this world. Again, use all your senses as you explore this world. Notice what time of day or night it is, what's around you, the sounds and colors, the smells, the feeling of the air against your skin, how the earth feels under your feet, etc. Walk in this world taking it all in, holding your intention to meet your medicine ally, until an animal approaches you. When it does, ask it if it is your power animal. If it says yes, you may then journey on with it, learning about it, sharing with it, bonding with it, and asking for any help or guidance or answers you may need. If it says no, it is not your ally, continue walking until you meet the right one.
Ask your power animal to show you what happened in that past life, and to help you resolve and heal the issues - to learn how to come ffrom the power of your Spirit, the power of Love. When it is time to leave this spirit world, ask your power animal for a gift, and give it a gift in return. Ask how you can call upon it when you need to, and ask also if you need to keep what it is and what it shares with you private. When it is time to go, say goodbye, and thank you.
Then, return to the tunnel and walk back up out of the passageway until you return to the entrance where you entered into the earth. Walk back along your path, and return to the room where you are visioning from. Take some time to fully come back into your body, bringing ALL of yourself back, filling up all of your body with yourself, all the way to finger tips and toes and eyelashes. If you choose to, you can write in a journal about what you learned and what guidance you were given. Take some time to integrate this experience. Don't go out into the world too fast or try to do too much afterwards. Drink water, and remember to blow out the candles!
Also three Aura-Soma products will help support you with healing this issue:
- the olive green pomander, for courage and positive thinking
- the emerald green pomander, for going to the heart of things
- the Sanat Kumara and Lady Venus Kumara quintessence for helping understand various facets of a task or project
You can order them at Aura-Soma USA (830) 935-2355.