"My abused son has turned to drugs - how can I be less upset with him?"
I am the parent of a molested child who is now 16. He was molested by a step father @ age 7. There was not an actual penetration, just fondling and ejaculation on him. I divorced the man and have not seen him since the incident. He had another experience shortly after with his bio-father during a visit where he stuck his finger in his behind - I was at home but not in the room and knew nothing about it until this year. He has since told his bio-father that the secret was out. He doesn't have a relationship with bio-dad either. I am remarried for 2 years now to a man who has been very patient with the drug and alcohol use and the molestation itself.
Now at 16 Zack is out of control - doing exactly what he is told not to do which is drink and do drugs. He especially brings the molestation issue when he is in big trouble. Last night he came stumbling in the house drunk as a skunk using a loud voice getting in my face so there was a physical altercation between he and I and his stepdad twice. I slapped him several time, but stepdad for the most part just yanked him around and hit him a couple of times.
He has been in rehab last year for drug abuse. I have an appointment for him on Monday with a Molestation Specialist because Zack says that he is mentally disturbed.
Any suggestions on how to keep my head and not get so upset? He is a wonderful person with a great personality - I adore him but can't stand seeing him abuse himself and settle for such a deadend lifestyle.
Hi - I think that taking Zack to counseling with a specialist is a great idea. He experienced violence and violation and deep betrayal early on, and that violence and terrible pain is stuck inside of him. When people we trust to love us and protect us abuse us, there is the strong belief that we must deserve it - that we must be no good, and not worth loving - and that is why, we believe, it happened. I also wonder, why did you not get him help long before this in terms of counseling? This is a very serious thing he went through. What took you so long to get him the kind of help he needed? Were you not facing the severity of the issue until he started acting out and it couldn't be ignored? He needed the kind of help and understanding he could get in a safe, therapeutic setting. Rehab is after the fact and doesn't necessarily deal with the real issue. What's up with that?
How have you responded up to now toward his pain? Have you ever told him that you are sorry that you did not protect him better? Although Zack, as a soul, created this, since we are all the Creators of our own life stories, you also created it, as the mother whose job it was to be there to take care of her child and keep him from harm. Zack, not having the ability yet to understand that we all create our own reality - is still the hurt, terrified child that needed to be protected. He would feel very angry for not being protected, and he'd need desperately to hear you say that to him.
This may be difficult for you to hear - especially since an issue is showing up for you that says you are very sensitive to what you view as "criticism" toward you. However, if you take feedback from the universe as criticism - if you do not face your own issues with deep compassion toward yourself - if you do not have a willingness to see what you need to see about yourself so that you can change and grow - then you will not be able to move past what had you create this scenario in your life. You and Zack are in this together.
How do YOU not feel good enough about YOURSELF? If you did feel good enough about yourself, you'd have been able to face this issue in your son's life earlier and do what needed to be done. What makes it difficult for you to take responsibility for what you have, or are, creating? If you feel good enough about yourself, then you can lovingly face whatever it is you need to in your life. That is how one keeps one's head - by not feeling guilty or hiding from we need to see. If you are hiding from yourself, and your own issues, you will feel guilty and get upset and be unable to handle or have difficulty handling Zack's pain. You are not to blame, and neither is Zack. There is never a need to blame. Blame is not love. But we DO need to take responsibility for what we create - for whatever internal beliefs or perceptions we carry that has us create our life situations. We do that by developing compassion. And the courage to face ourselves. Both of the men you chose to be around your son, not including the recent partner, abused your child. Have you looked into what had you attract men who would do this? There is a strong pattern of abuse running through your life, showing up now in your son in an incredibly painful way. What is that about?
I invite you to check into any beliefs that you have about yourself or life that would have you manifest abuse in your life, and work through it using the formula for changing core beliefs found in the Laws of the Universe. When you can start taking responsibility for your life creations, how surprised would you be that Zack will begin to be able to do that as well?
I invite you to listen to Jack Kornfield's tape series called the 'The Inner Art of Meditation'. He takes one through the process of how to do this in a powerful, wonderful, and enlightening way. Also, read the Laws of the Universe found on this site.
I also invite you to cut the energetic cords that keep you connected to these men who abused your son. Or to anyone who was abusive to you in any way. To do this, scan your body in meditation, and see if you can sense any cords or energetic connections going from you to others, or from them to you. Scan both the front and back of your body. If you sense a cord, use an imaginary scissors or knife, etc., to cut the cord, allowing all of your energy to return to you, where it belongs. Then surround yourself with a glowing white light and say: