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"I have a creative block that leaves me feeling empty and anxious"

Dear Ayal,

Since September I have been doing violet flame decrees and about three weeks ago I began to incorporate a call to Archangel Michael in my ritual. Three days later I was guided to your web site and feel blessed to have the experience of benefiting from your guidance. I prayed that you could help me with my issues.

I used to be admired for my strength and confidence and risk-taking. When I was afraid of something, I'd do it immediately so I could conquer the fear and move on. People told me when I entered a room, the consciousness and vibration of the people increased and heightened. Strangers gave me flowers and told me that I "glow." But I felt hurt and ashamed because males never asked me out. Never. Truthfully, none even seemed interested. As adored as I was, I was also rejected and disrespected by guys for being overweight. I was 5'2 and 220. Whenever this would happen, I would get down and withdraw and I would fall into a depression I have been fighting since childhood. When I was eight, I tried to commit suicide.

Eight years ago I was a senior in college and blessed to have a literary agent, when I became attracted to a celebrity who lived in my neighborhood. I knew that I wanted him to be symbolic for me. In my mind he was going to heal and erase all the rejection I felt from feeling invisible to men. This was the first guy I ever allowed myself to show any interest in. I pursued him. We began to date and spent a lot of time alone together. He seemed happy with me and then strangers began to come up to me and told me he told them I was his stalker and he couldn't get rid of me. This hurt me badly. When I asked him about it he denied it. He knew that I never watched television but a week later, my intuition told me to turn it on while I was at his apartment by myself. He was on the "David letterman show." He got on there and said I was so fat, making love to me was like screwing a huge beached whale. He got on a cable show and said he had a stalker he slept with in order to appease her. I was deeply devastated. I haven't talked to him since that time even though he called me for a full year after that. And I regret never standing up for myself and confronting him. That anger feels stuck inside me. v Since this guy, I feel silenced. I feel full of fear, gained forty more pounds, and have writer's block so severe this letter was a struggle for me to compose. Around this time, I got an offer to be a plus model, but for the first time I was too afraid to do something. I wanted to be invisible. As I began to feel low and self-conscious and ashamed, everyone who once basked in my energy became an enemy, laughed at my pain, and stabbed me in the back. I felt like a wounded lioness being eaten alive by vultures.

Soon psychics began to come up to me and each told me there was a curse on me. I didn't believe them at first because I found it difficult to believe someone else had more control over my energy than I did, but I got scared and gave two of them money I couldn't afford to help me. I feel I've been worse off and struggling energetically since then.

Since that time, I have been putting all my focus on healing. Prayer. Meditation. Chakra exercises. Realizing how his words only reflected my own insecurities. I began to feel slightly better, but last summer I got my reiki initiations and the next day a shaman came up to me and said I had no protection and people were taking what they wanted from my energy field. I was terrified because I thought I had healed and I was informed things were even worse than I knew.

I felt defeated and went to a doctor who actually begged me to get on antidepressants. I refused for months and then I decided to give it a try. The lowest dose of the "safest" one made me vibrate so strongly that I pulled my neck. I got off them, but I did have a revelation. I got to experience my own inner voice because the drug blocked out everyone else's. I realized how highly I actually thought of myself and how afraid I was to shine because I feared the brighter the light, the larger insignificant flaws appeared. I understood I had been so hurt for so long because I was afraid of what people thought of me. I realized that I attracted people who could help me heal this issue. What better way to have to face one's insecurities about other's opinions of them than to be embarrassed on television.

Since doing the violet flame, I've become a vegan and have lost 120 pounds since 10/02. The energy around me feels lighter and higher but I continue to have a terrible creative block that leaves me feeling empty and anxious, my confidence is weak, I still am invisible to men, and I still have fear that the psychics have done damage. Can you please help me?


Hi - well, sounds as if you've been through a lot! I'll start with the information that is coming in for you. First of all, you have a major core belief that runs your life that needs to be transformed. I think it's a long term ancestral issue as well. I invite you strongly to transform and heal this through holotropic breathwork sessions. It has to do with deeply lacking acceptance for yourself. This has created a lot of the painful experiences and situations you recount here, and has also caused the weight problems. I'm getting that this has also something to do with a sibling(?).

There is also a 3rd chakra issue about taking responsibility for making decisions - and this issue deals with eating disorders, with anorexia and bulimia. I think that this issue of taking responsibility for your decisions also has to do with the decision you made about not accepting yourself. You decided not to accept yourself, but you didn't take responsibility for making that decision. When we don't see that we ourselves have created the issue, we create external situations to mirror it for us so that we can see it. Much of this I think you now realize. So - you did not allow others to accept you - i.e., the boyfriend issue. Even though the universe did show you how much you shine, as you said, the part that allowed you to put on weight as a mirror of this issue still didn't believe it. When situations therefore were created that mirrored this issue, you were devastated because you hadn't really faced the issue, accepted the responsibility, that YOU were the one not accepting yourself.

This is clear because in your letter you speak of others telling you things that either make you feel good or that depress and devastate you - this is going outside of yourself, either way, and believing what OTHERS say to you - the shaman, the doctor, the flower giver, the guy on TV - you are looking to others to define who you are and tell you what to do instead of taking responsibility for it yourself.

I'm glad to hear that you realized this so beautifully, took responsibility for yourself, and lost so much weight! That's a great testimonial to your strength and courage. However, since you say you still feel weak and lacking in confidence, I would say that there is more to do with this issue. I think that you have peeled off one layer of the onion, but there are some more layers to go.

One of these layers comes from your ancestral line - as you heal this burden of lacking acceptance, and accepting responsibility for the choices and decisions you make, you will help your ancestors be cleared of it as well. The breathwork is an important tool for you to do this.

You need to cut any energetic cords that you may have to this celebrity guy. I think his actions were very strange - especially since he continued to call you - but definitely he is not someone to have any connections with at all. Do what you need to do to fully let that go and release it. You can give it to the violet flame, etc. Also, do the same with any other painful memories or experiences you have that you may still be holding onto. Realizing that no one "did" anything to you (psychics, or others). That you created these situations yourself to see what you needed to in order to grow and evolve, will help a lot. Read the Laws of the Universe about this. Check into and move out of any victim consciousness you may still have. You are still not fully getting that you created this or yet fully taking responsibility for being the Creator of your life. This is what your ancestors didn't do.

There is a lot of shock, tension, and trauma that is still in your system that needs to be released. Breathwork will also help with that.

Saying this twice a day for 4 months will be useful also:

"I sponsor myself to the Creator, the Cosmic All, the Masters, and the Creator Entity to have the re-fill of the Creator's consciousness and energies: past patterns, 60.834 personality healing and Love, wisdom, justice, personal freedom (67.105), equality, awareness, patience, tolerance, integrity, (55.075), inspiration (87.724), appreciation (88.174), will power (119.475). Thank you."

Use the olive green Aura-Soma pomander for courage, as well as the magenta quintessence. Order it by looking Aura-Soma up on the Net. The magenta quintessence is for those who dream dreams, see visions, or create, be it through pen, paint, the writing of words to music, etc. - all concepts and ideas which bring forth beauty from the angelic harp strings of the soul. It re-awakens one to beauty.

Given this, regarding the writing block: how surprised would you be that if you did not accept yourself or find yourself beautiful, that it would be difficult to put what you are, who you are, out into the world, with vigor? How then could you write, if you didn't really accept yourself? Just as you need to accept yourself first to put who you are out into the world, so too, accepting yourself makes you visible to others - to men who will love and accept you. The part of yourself that didn't accept you made you want to be invisible.

Blessings, Ayal


Thank you so much for responding to my long letter. I would say that you are quite accurate about my lack of acceptance issues. The only thing is I don't have sibling issues because I am an only child. But my mom is a twin and her twin is infertile and has been telling me since early childhood that I'm inadequate. Even when I was a child model she told me I was unattractive. When I took those antidepressants I mentioned before, I was informed by my family that the women in my ancestral line from me to my great-great-grandmother (and further into slavery) have suffered from depression. All of them up until my grandmother were locked away in institutions. The rest of us have been put on meds. Do you know of any Holotropic practitioner in Washington, D.C. or a CD where I could learn this, until I can find or afford one?


Hi - well, that explains a lot regarding the sibling info - do you see how, by not taking responsibility for being the Creators of their reality, the women in your family line allowed themselves to feel like victims - thus leading to, depression and powerlessness? Since your aunt created not being fertile, but did not take responsibility for it, sounds as if she resented your conception and birth, and your just being, since she could not manifest a child herself. Had she taken responsibility for this, and seen the purpose for creating her life that way - or seen the issue that created it - which is an issue of inadequacy again - she would not have put that energy off onto you. Instead, she then proceeded to project onto you (again, this is what people do when the don't take responsibility for their own issues) the pattern of inadequacy. It got passed on to you, and the loop continues until someone such as yourself gets conscious and decides to change it.

So, this explains what my info was saying about releasing the burden of your ancestral line. My guidance keeps telling me that breathwork will heal this. To find a practitioner near you, go to a holotropic breathwork web site. It isn't something you can do via a CD - It has to be in-person sessions. State your willingness and intention, to yourself and the Universe, to heal this, and state your willingness and readiness to have the finances you need to have all the sessions you need. State that that is now available for you, and totally and completely feel what it feels like to be fully supported by the Universe. The Universe and your own Godself will support this.

Remember to read the Laws of the Universe to integrate the information you need about being the Creator of your reality, and not the victim. Very important for you to get this.

Here's a bit more to think about...

I think your weight issue may have developed as a protection - a barrier against your aunt's attacks. Since humiliation became a part of what you expected and experienced with her, this pattern continued into your adult life - expecting to be humiliated, as you felt by the TV guy situation. That experience with him was a direct result of having a belief that you would be humiliated and not recognized for who you are. I also think that you can heal this by understanding that you created these experiences for a reason - probably to finally become aware of having it, to become aware of your family having it, in order to be the one to heal this for yourself and your family.

Your family did not have the tools or the level of consciousness before now, to heal this. It wasn't time to, then. But you do have the strength and awareness to heal this. Therefore, there is no need to blame your aunt - you also had this issue of inadequacy, as the others in your family did, as souls, and you incarnated into your family in order to see this issue and grow beyond it - to heal it. As you are in the process of doing.

I think that if you sit in meditation and send your aunt the love she herself so badly needed - if you tell her in meditation that you understand that she just did not have the tools she needed to get conscious about healing this ancestral issue - if you tell her that you also incarnated into the family because you had issues of inadequacy to work out, as she did - that you understand how it feels to have that issue, and you bless her - it will help quite a lot to heal this issue. When you heal this, it will heal 6 generations back and 6 generations forward. Good stuff to do!

I think that when you see that you no longer need to fear being attacked or humiliated any more, from her, or yourself, or anyone else - when you recognize that there was a timing to it - that you are the Creator who is choosing to now heal this - that is over and done with, and you no longer need to create attack, shame, fear, or blame, because now you are aware of the issue that is needing to be healed - you can let go of the need to protect yourself by having extra weight around yourself , and you will not create situations where you feel shame or humiliation, or need extra protection around yourself in the form of extra weight.

True protection is living from a state of love, toward self and others. Living from Creatorship - accepting that as our true identity - living as the Light of God that we are.

Blessings, Ayal

next 213. "The more I heal, the more I don't know how to be & survive as the new me"

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