"I seem to constantly attract people who are unavailable in some way"
Hello Ayal, I saw your website online. Hoping you still answer questions - can you answer two for me?
Seven years ago I encountered a young man, who was several years older than I. The impression he left on me was so strong that for years after I grew more and more in love with him. But then to eventually find out he married. I wonder if this experience may be hindering me from being in a satisfying relationship. Or maybe childhood experiences of being severely scorned.
I have had one relationship that was on and off for a two and a half year period due to the other person being fearfull of commitment in my opinion. I seem to constantly attract people who are unavailable in some way.
I feel the experience with this young man left me with so many unresolved feelings, love that I wanted to give and then I didn't get to receive, I know what I want yet can't quite manifest it in the form of the right person. I don't know what to do. I wish though someone can tell me how I can correct this problem? Although too, I realize I want to meet someone but I'd have preferred to meet the right person under better financial conditions, but at the same time I'd really like this person to assist me with my career and I wonder too if this person comes will there be time enough for him and pursuing my other dreams.
Maybe the conflict may be causing this. I find it very hard to go on with my life without someone in it. So even when at times I would try to just accept things as they are, it is so difficult and discouraging. Also I find that many men I am attracted to, are quite immature in dealing with relationships. Especially the better looking ones. I know looks isn't everything ofcourse but it seems to me the ones I like aren't mature enough, and most times the ones I don't find attractive and wouldn't really want to be in a relationship are the mature of the bunch.
Do you have any advice on how I can attract the man I want or something better? Because the usually methods aren't working or maybe if you see any blocks causing my dilemma?
I don't have a credit card but if you give me a mailing address. I'd like to make a donation.
Hi - There is a part of you that is very frightened of commitment. The men who don't commit to you whom you are attracted to are simply a mirror of this same fear in you. What I hear in your letter is a constant negating, or canceling out of what you want. You say "I want to wait until I'm in a better financial place, but then again, I want someone to be with me now and help me with my career. I want it, but I don't want it. I want someone who will commit to me, but when they do, I find something wrong with them. I can't love someone because I'm holding onto someone I can't have, but I want to have someone., etc. etc." See all the confusion here? You are giving yourself excuses to not have a relationship. It's like a little kid who puts a toe in the water, and part of them longs to jump in, but then pulls back and says "it's too cold, or I just ate so I better not go in, or the pool is too crowded. " Lots of excuses not to do it going on.
What needs to be looked at is what is the fear and where did it come from? All the excuses are due to fear. You want it, but you are afraid of it. That's the place to start. What is causing this fear of relationships within you? Where did it originate? Sit quietly in meditation and ask these questions Then, open and allow yourself, give yourself permission to hear or receive the answers.
Was there any form of abuse that you experienced? If so, that is the place to explore and to heal. Abuse can be emotional as well as physical. There is an issue of lack of self respect going on. When you find nice guys but judge them to be not good enough, that's a mirror of your judgment of yourself not being good enough. If you find yourself not good enough, you will not allow yourself to have a relationship or believe that someone else could love you either. It's like saying "I can't have a relationship because I'm too fat, or too thin, or I don't have enough money, or I have too much money, etc." It doesn't matter what the reason you give yourself is - the bottom line is something within you is not allowing you to trust that you'll be safe in a relationship.
Having holotropic breathwork sessions to help you explore this issue would be very, very good for you. I'd recommend at least 12. Look this up on the net for a practitioner near you. I think that there is some hidden anger going on for you as well.
Your 2nd chakra is showing up as needing healing, and that is the chakra for giving and receiving physical, mental, and spiritual pleasure. It is the chakra that deals with sex, creativity, power and control, and ethics and honor in relationship. Visualizing a beautiful glowing orange light at your pelvic area, like a spinning wheel of light, breathing into that area, and asking that whatever needs to be healed be healed, and whatever needs to be restored is restored, would be helpful and useful for you. I'd do this for 3-5 minutes, 3 times a day for 4 months.
Two Aura-Soma products would be useful for you as you heal these issues: 1) the olive green pomander for courage 2) the ruby red quintessence for re-energizing, caring, compassion, and protection
You can order these on the net. Look up Aura-Soma. I hope that you will follow through with the breathwork. It will be very healing for you.
Thank you very much for your help.
I'll have to check and see if the sessions you suggested, holotropic breathwork is available in my country. And I'll send you a donation.
Although, I do plan on working on what you said I should and I have started on the visualizing. I am having some problems.
Last week Friday as fate had it I met with a man I said when next he called me I'd tell him not to call me again.
I didn't get the opportunity to do just that because I saw him first and it really must have been fate because he works in Bermuda and visited my country and seeing that he knows only a handful of persons here it is so strange that we met how we did. And there was clearly no getting away from.
He tells me last week he apparently has a son for a woman he had a fun time with I presume. He only found out last year Dec. and this child is 6 and a half months. I ask him doesn't he think this is a sign for him to settle down, he says not with this woman. They are incompatible.
And yet when he can wants to see me. I personally feel very sorry for this person to have a child for someone who says there can be no future. And then I ask why me. Why did I have to see him and to know this? Does this situation have to do with my self worth too and my Fear of Commitment?
I feel somewhat guilty - I have no reason to be but I feel for her even though she may not have been very smart. He is making an effort to be in his son's life but I just feel so sorry for her. He is staying with her in a place he is paying for so that he can spend time with his son. But I find this whole situation so weird. She is with him but yet not with him.
I also find him detached in his ways. Honestly seeing that I know nothing else I am not really certain he has much interest in me at all. Even though when I am with him, I have his attention, definitely, it is like I am not really seeing him. I see with the way the situation is being handled with this child he is a caring person, and kind. But with me I wonder why I do attract him even though he doesn't really seem to be really into me, like as if there is a wall or barrier up. Or maybe he just sees me as a friend because he surely treats me like one even though that line has been crossed.
I am concerned too if this is how he treats her then probably this is how he feels about me, another fun time. For some reason I am more interesting though (but it isn't like we haven't just spent time doing things). And if that is it maybe I should just tell him now not to call me again.
I think that it would be good for you to write down the qualities you desire in a partner. Then, allow yourself to feel what it would feel like to be with a partner who had these desirable qualities. Allow yourself to open to having a partner who feels good to you, whom you can trust and appreciate. Sounds to me as if you have a great deal of uncertainty about this man, and that there is a lot of discomfort around how you feel about him and the relationship. It also sounds as if you don't trust his motives or his intentions.
You don't have to settle for a man just because he's there. You say it must be fate that you saw him - but that depends on how you interpret that meeting. It's all about how we interpret or perceive what goes on. It could also be seen that it was fate that you saw him so you could tell him face to face that you didn't want to see him. It's all in how you choose to view it. Life is all about how we CHOOSE to view things. You can choose to believe that you can create the kind of partner you desire. Check out whether or not you believe that you deserve to have as good man, a reliable man, as a partner. If you believe that you deserve that, that you are worth it, you can create having it.
I think that you are dealing with a 3rd chakra issue regarding care of oneself and others. You see him as not caring for others in a particularly reliable way. Since everyone is a mirror for us, how does this issue play out in your own life/ do you take good care of yourself? Do you trust that others will take good care of you, or betray you? Remember that we create what we believe - we create through how we choose to see things.
There is also an issue showing up for you of opening to receive. This also deals with trust. Check out where you are at regarding this issue of trusting. If you believe that either you or others are not to be trusted, guess how you will see life, and guess whom you will attract into your life.
If you do not trust, you may be experiencing a certain degree of feeling isolated and lonely- in which case you may not make clear decisions on whom to be with. Instead, you may jump at whoever shows up in your life. Check into and clear these issues and see how differently you can create your life to be.
Your 6th chakra needs some clearing. This is the point between the eyes in the middle of the forehead - the spiritual eye. Visualize a beautiful indigo, spinning wheel of light there, and ask that anything that needs to be cleared is cleared, and anything that needs to be restored (for 100% health and perfect functioning) is restored.