"I have a daughter who pushes me away when I try to hug her"
My 10 year old daughter and I seem to constantly be at odds. She is adopted and I have not felt a bond with her, ever. She has bonded, it seems, with her daddy, my ex husband. I feel a lot of guilt over my divorce with her dad and over the fact that she is adopted. My interactions with her remind me a lot of how I interacted with my mother. It scares me because my mother and I have never bonded. I grew up without a memory of ever having been hugged or kissed by my mother. Now I have a daughter who pushes me away when I try to hug her. I would like to change this but don't know what to do. Can you help?
Hi. When we do not bond with our parents, it can be difficult to know how to bond with our children, as that model and pattern is in place within us. It becomes an established energetic groove within us. We have nothing to go by that then shows us a different pattern. All we have in our filing system, or memory banks, on how to relate, is that pattern.
Something went on with your mother that closed her down to being able to give love. I'm getting that it had something to do with the death of her husband? (It's interesting to me that a divorce is also like a death, and in this way you are also following her pattern, if this is what did happen.) She also probably had guilt and shame about not being able to give you the love you needed, and you are continuing this pattern also. All that guilt and shame and blame do is shut us off from giving love. It keeps us locked in that same pattern. So, feeling that way isn't helping to resolve the issue, but only keeps you stuck in it. Those feelings are part of the pattern. Do you see that?
How can we offer someone else love if our own ability to love is repressed and stifled due to feeling shame and guilt? If you see your daughter as the reminder of this shame and guilt you carry around for not being able to feel or give love the way you want, unconsciously you will blame her for it. Then bonding with her or feeling love toward her will definitely be blocked. She is there to help you learn to love - not to keep you from it - and in this way she has come into your life as a great gift for you. What if you looked at it that way? Your guilt for taking away the father from her, whom she did feel close to, is a mirror for you of a belief you have - believing that you take love away from people, or that you are the cause of people being unhappy - probably what you believed as a child regarding your mother's inability to love you, right? In all likelihood, you believed that it was your fault and that you were the cause of her unhappiness, the reason she couldn't love. That you were unlovable. Undeserving of being loved. This is the block for you. Very painful stuff. When you release these FALSE beliefs, you will open the way to being able to feel love, for yourself, as well as for others.
So, the first thing you need to do is let go of that false belief. We all come into this life with lessons we have set out for ourselves to learn. Your choice seems to be to learn how to feel and give love. A wonderful thing to do. So, you chose to be born into a family that would set this issue up for you, set the stage, so to speak, in order for you to heal it. There's no shame or guilt about that. You need to be able to look at this differently, gain a different perspective, that allows you to see the overall plan here, what you are about and what you have come in to learn and grow into. That's a GOOD thing you are doing.
I invite you to do some wonderful meditations with your heart. The heart has every emotion and creative energy we need available within it. I invite you to get to know your heart. Sit in meditation, and find the very center of your heart - Imagine a secret door in the very center that you go through to enter into the center of your heart. When you open this door, say : "Let there be light!" Then, explore being inside your heart. Look around inside there, and feel what's it's like to be there. Enjoy the peace and love there. You may find areas in it that need healing, and you can shine light onto those areas. As you sit within your heart, ask your heart to heal this issue, or any other one that appears for you. You can even imagine your mother holding you, kissing you and loving you, giving you the love you always wanted from her - Allow yourself to stay in the center of your heart for as long as you need to, each day, to heal these issues. Let yourself feel and release whatever comes up for you.
I'd also strongly invite you to share this process, what you are going through, how you feel, how it was for you, with your daughter. Let her know it isn't her - it's not her fault - that she hasn't done anything wrong - that she is wonderful and deserving of love, and you are healing this in yourself so that you can heal and give her the love she deserves. Otherwise, she will believe what you yourself believed as a child - that you weren't deserving of love. Her pushing you away is simply a mirror of you pushing loving YOURSELF away. That can all be transformed. Use the Laws of the Universe and the formulas there for changing beliefs (energy patterns). Get a good grasp of the information there, and especially pay attention to the section that deals with how shame and blame keep us stuck in an erroneous core belief, and then how to change a core belief. To transform a core belief, you have to feel as strongly as you can how it would feel to have what you desire. You have to grow and feel that quality of Love within yourself, without the shame and blame and guilt. Guilt is not love. Your daughter feels that and pulls away from you. As you change this energy in yourself, how surprised would you be that your relationship with her will blossom? As you change the energy, an entirely new pattern develops, and a new flow of energy will be felt and responded to.
Thank you so much for your guidance. Your thoughts sound right on the mark. The fact that you were willing to help fills me with a wonderful feeling.
By the way, my father is not dead, he is very much alive. He and my mother do not get along very well but have been married for over 50 years. Would not loving myself have anything to do with my inability to stay in relationships for the long haul? I am divorced twice, dating a very kind and good man currently, but we are both afraid of more than just being friends and lovers. When I am married, I feel good about the security and stability but haven't found anyone to really love until my current boyfriend. He comes out of a divorce from a woman he was married to for 25 years. He describes the relationship as abusive on her part. He let her take advantage of him in his eyes. Their marriage ended with him feeling like he was doing everything he could to make it work and her never being satisfied with what he did. He felt pretty wasted and down on himself when he got the divorce. He separated in May of 1997 from her and we started seeing each other in August of that same year. We have been together since.
I seem to be unable to let go of the fairy tale that if we got married and lived together everything would be wonderful. I have lived through that nightmare now twice and still cannot let go of the fantasy. I know that seeing my mother and father live together without sharing much love may have something to do with this, but I cannot seem to figure out what I need to do to change it. Will doing what you suggested in your first email help? Or is there more to do?
I really appreciate your first response coming so quickly. Your advice makes a lot of sense to me and I will begin to attempt to make the changes in my thinking. Can I continue to communicate with you by email?
Hi - first of all, your calling marriage a fantasy makes it exactly that - a fantasy. A fantasy is something that does not materialize, or exist, by definition, right? Watch what words you or others use. It is very indicative of the belief held. You have a strong belief that a happy marriage is a fantasy based on what you experienced with one situation - your parents. You also call marriage a nightmare. It will be a nightmare if you continue to base your model of marriage on what you saw growing up instead of becoming the Creator and creating what you choose. You formed a belief from that experience. Is that always true? Are all marriages unhappy? If not, it is a false belief. Recognizing it as false is the first step. A happy marriage is not a fantasy. It can be a reality if the two people involved have the tools to work through the issues that come up to be healed... if each person is willing to face their own issues responsibly and honestly.
You create from what you believe. Much of what we believe is unconscious - so, the journey is to see what it is that we believe and make it conscious, right? Then you have the power to change it. Your not feeling or believing that you can be loved will of course affect your ability to create a loving or workable relationship. How can we be loving toward another if we don't know what that is or what it feels like? How can we feel safe when relating to another? If we don't love ourselves, we will assume others don't love us either, and we will interpret their behavior as being unloving, no matter what they do or say. Anything that happens then, we will take personally as being an attack of some kind, or a put down - we will take it as another indication that we aren't good enough. We will, in all likelihood, think that the other person is blaming or judging us, thus continuing the loop. We will, in effect, become victims, thinking the other person is being a jerk and abusing us in some way. The belief that we are not lovable or good enough comes from our own judgment, however, of ourselves. Then life, and our relationships, simply mirrors that belief for us.
Your new guy also is thinking he was abused, and he is not seeing what belief of HIS created that situation - he is not seeing what the mirror is for him so he can find the belief and change it. That is still victim consciousness. You are both probably mirroring for one another the belief that you will be abused or not loved... that no matter how much love you put out, it will not be returned. Guess what gets created from a belief like that? That's the issue of unreciprocated affection, which does indeed stem from one not loving oneself, or feeling that their love, what they do or give, is worthwhile. A good belief to clear up, wouldn't you say?
Isn't your journey all about learning to love - as you wrote regarding your daughter, as well?
I suggest you follow what was advised in the first e-mail. Use the formula for changing core beliefs found in the Laws of the Universe. Then you can also use the Getting Clear Worksheet once you identify your core beliefs, if you need to, to make it even more concrete as a process. You may, of course, continue to communicate with me. It helps if you are willing to offer a donation with each question or letter, as I spend a great deal of time answering requests for the site - having people send in a donation supports my work and the amount of time I am able to dedicate to helping others. Therefore it allows me to continue doing this.