"My boyfriend gets mad at me when I'm jealous"
I am getting married really soon. I met this wonderful man who takes care and supports me. I'm am actually 14 years younger than him. He told me before we got together that he had 3 kids and I come to find out he actually has 5 - he denies it though and his family says he has 5. I only have seen three though. When we go out I always see him looking at other females which I don't say anything about but when we get into an argument he always goes out and stays out until 6:00 the next morning. He gets mad at me because he thinks I'm jealous which I am because females call the house for him and say their just friends but I start assuming and he gets really angry at me because I'm jealous. What do you think I should do?
Hi. It sounds as if there is a major problem with trust going on here. It doesn't sound as if either of you, yet, have the tools you need, the tools of good communication or the ability to be honest with oneself, and with each other another, that you absolutely need to work through problems in a relationship. You both seem to be just reacting to things but not knowing how to cope with them. Just becoming angry when there is an issue or problem to work out isn't the way to solve problems. That's a cop out, a way NOT to face oneself or problems. Having to go behind his back to try to find out the truth about him isn't the way to have a good, secure relationship, is it?.
His answer to difficulties is to stay out all night, which only aggravates and adds to your issue of not trusting to begin with. He doesn't tell you where he's been, and to stay out all night when you're in a relationship is a major red flag and a severe breaking of trust. That's not ok in my book, especially when he knows that you have problems in this area anyway. You're not sure that what he does tell you is the truth, and you go to others to find out. That's not a very good place to build a relationship from. So, what makes you want to marry this guy? You're insecure and suspicious anyway, and his actions add to that suspicion. I don't think that you'd be writing in if you felt absolutely fine about going ahead with this marriage, right? So, what's up with that? What do YOU think you should do?
If you have read any of the other letters and answers in the column, or if you've read The Laws of the Universe presented here, (which I think it would be great for you to do!) you know that it's never about another person, place, or thing. So, that means that anything in your life that isn't feeling comfortable for you or is a problem has come to show you something about yourself that you need to see. If you didn't fear being lied to, or expect to be lied to, you couldn't attract a man who would lie to you. Whatever issues you have going on inside of you will show up in your outer world. That's how it works. You have attracted a man who has the same issues that you do. Therefore he is a mirror for you of your own stuff. He has trouble being honest, and he lies, and you have trouble trusting and you don't think people will be honest with you - it's 2 sides of the same coin.
Was this what you saw growing up, that men and women were not honest with each other? That a man would run out and stay gone all night, and hide things and not tell the truth? That the woman was constantly jealous and checking up on him and never feeling secure? If that's what you grew up with, then that is what you are basing what you think a relationship ought to be on. That's your model, but, as you are seeing, it really doesn't work very well at all, does it? It doesn't feel good. Can you imagine a different way that a relationship can be? What would that look like, and feel like? What is it that you really choose to have in a relationship? Do you believe that you can have it, and deserve to have it? In order to have it, you have to first figure out what's causing it to be this way. What caused you to create this kind of relationship? The answer is to look at your own beliefs and feelings about yourself and about how you believe relationships are.
For two people to be putting themselves through such ugly stuff as you are describing here, there has to be an issue going on of self hatred. If YOU really were taking good care of yourself, and loving yourself, why would you be with a man who doesn't tell you the truth? He isn't someone you can count on, it sounds like to me, even though you say he is taking care of you. Is he really, if you can't count on him? One of the most important things in a relationship is that each person treats the other with integrity and honesty. So, you must believe that you don't deserve to be treated that way, or - you believe that's how people deal with each other. Is that what you really want? Are there other possibilities?
You say he takes care of you - well, is that what a marriage or relationship is about - being taken care of? Are you settling for that at the expense of treating each other well, or feeling good about yourself and what's really going on in the relationship? Do you think you have to compromise yourself and what you really want to have in order to "be taken care of"? Are you settling for just being taken care of even though everything else seems to feel bad? I invite you to take some time and really answer these questions for yourself. Take a deep look at what's going on here.
This sounds to me like a little girl who feels scared and insecure and who is needing a daddy. Is this guy a father figure to you, someone to finally, you hope, love and take care of you? If he is, then he's also going to have the same issues your father had. Does he?
Often in relationships, we re-create being with our parents in order to try to finish the issues that we had with them. It's all we know, so we create the same thing we had with them. Therefore, we choose someone who is very similar to our mother or father. I think that there is a lot of growing up and understanding about yourself and the issues that you need to explore, issues you are dealing with, that it would be very important for you to understand before you go into a marriage. I think that otherwise you will create the same problems that you saw in your own family growing up. You need to be be able to take care of yourself first. A marriage isn't about someone taking care of you. Our journey down here is to grow in wisdom and clarity and strength so that we take good care of ourselves in order to become clear, well functioning beings. I don't hear much clarity going on here in this relationship. You already see and are aware of major problems. That's good. Now, what you choose to do with that is up to you. But if you simply put it off on him, you'll miss what you need to see about yourself.
Your job is to get clear yourself - not to look to others to take care of you. When you clear up these issues in yourself, you will attract a partner who is also more clear. Like attracts like. You've got some big stuff to clear up here. If you trusted that you were worth loving and worthwhile, you would not create a situation like this where you don't trust and feel betrayed all the time. Where did this belief come from that you will be betrayed and lied to? And abandoned? This guy leaves and doesn't come back for a long time, and doesn't tell you where he's been. That's abandonment. Where does that come from in your own life? Where do you believe that you will be abandoned and not taken care of? These are some of the things showing up here for you to clear up and figure out if you want to have a good, honest clear relationship that feels good to you, a partner you can trust.
Check out how to clear up negative beliefs and issues in the Laws of the Universe. Then, you can create new beliefs, and release the issues so that your life to be what you really want.