"I feel so empty and lacking in any sense of who I am"
I am 35 and living in a house with four other men, one of which is my younger brother; I'm doing a degree in computer science, but I'm dreadfully unhappy. I feel detached from myself, I don't have a clear idea of what I like or want, and besides; my lack of hope crushes any light. I'm trying to stop myself from destroying what I have, by giving up and becoming less and less sociable; but I feel so empty and lacking in any sense of who I am, and where I want to be. It feels like I've been coiled up on the starting blocks all my life, I want to spring forward, escape and be free. I've met and loved quite a few wonderful women, but this awful inadequacy eventually destroys the relationship. You seem to offer very simple advice that makes sense to me, I would be grateful if you could say what you see from the outside; I feel kind of blind.
Hi. Well, first of all, you have an attachment to sadness going on. Sadness, as an issue, usually correlates to the lungs - the ability to take deep breaths in and enjoy life. The first thing I'd invite you to do is go outside every day at least twice a day and breathe deeply, at least 6 full breaths, filling your lungs and allowing your breath to go into those closed off places in your heart where it doesn't usually go to. When you breathe, you want to use deep, pranayama breathing, or yogic breathing. To do that, allow your stomach to poof out as you begin inhaling. Then lift your breath all the way up into your heart, and allow the air to go deep into and spread out sideways on either side of the heart. To exhale, you reverse the process. Let the air out of the heart cavity first. Then let it sink down into your stomach, and then let your stomach sink in.
You need to get your metabolism moving! I'd invite you to start exercising more, preferably outdoors, in nature. Even if you simply go for a long walk. But some exercising that involves developing your strength is best.
Secondly, you are working through issues of fear and intimidation. This is a 3rd chakra issue, dealing with personal worth, self esteem, and relations with the outside world. It deals with feeling dominated or victimized, or, when healthy, being able to reach out from a place of knowing who you really are - a being of light and love. This again correlates to the heart, or 4th chakra - the ability to open your heart to others and live with an openness toward life. The more you can focus on your heart, opening it, feeling love - whether it's for a tiny flower, or a squirrel in a tree, or the rain, or whatever calls to you, it is very important for you to do so. You have focused a lot of your life on yourself and how badly you feel. And you have lived in fear for a long time. This has created a state of disconnectedness for you. It is interesting for me that you have chosen to work in the computer field, as this is a way to connect with the world. Computers are all about connections. We call it the world wide web - the web of life. Life is a web of connectedness - it's a grid whereby all of our thoughts and feelings flash from our electrical system to the electrical system of another - be it person, rock, tree, whatever.If you don't see this connection as a connection from the heart however, if you hide within it, not seeing others, or seeing who you really are - an easy thing to do with a computer - if you only use it in a mental or intellectual capacity, you will miss what our life journey is all about. It's time for you to let go of your fear that you will suffer ego death and be destroyed - that you will be demolished if you open yourself up to others from your heart. This is what you fear, and what has kept you too self concerned and unable to connect with others in the fulfilling way you miss so much. No one can destroy you, but you have believed that they can. Work with this belief using the formula for changing core beliefs in the Laws of the Universe. What would it feel like to know that you are indestructible, an energy being of light, that can touch others in joy and safety and rapture from the ultimate power of Love? Can a light beam be destroyed?
There has been an issue in your family of rejection, of believing that others can destroy you. That's a false belief. You are needing to focus on self sufficiency in the sense of knowing that you are whole unto yourself. Did you know that the heart is the organ in the body which creates the rest of the fetus? The heart beats first, and generates the rest of the body. The heart is the source and center of creation. To heal anything, we must take it into the very center of our heart, and let it be transformed there.
Often, when we go inward in an imbalanced way and worry about ourselves too much - which is not trusting the heart, or the center of who we are - to the point where we get disconnected from others, that is a distortion of the feminine energy. It is the job of the feminine to look inward and to be introspective, but if it becomes unbalanced, that's all it does, focusing on self and problems, and then there is no energy to put loving, clear energy back out toward the world. Breathing that energy back out is the job of the masculine energy. It's like the breath - the feminine breathes in, and takes energy and understanding and insights in, but the masculine must breathe that clear good energy back out into the world to share it and get things moving. As you practice your breathing techniques throughout the day, say this: "I inhale love. I breathe out peace."
Focusing on using your masculine energy more, as you exercise outdoors and feel stronger, more self sufficient, will enable you to feel better, to have more self esteem, which will allow you to feel safer about putting your good energy back into the world, and receiving the goodness of the world as well. You need to feel what it feels like to get energy moving!
Using an Aura-Soma product will help also. The one you need is the emerald green pomander (which is the color of the heart chakra) for finding our own space, and (of course) going to the heart of things. You can order this at aurasoma-la.com.
When you have gotten more familiar with your heart, through breathing, and through allowing your energy to flow out toward simple things that you love, then, at some point, you can practice this healing technique: