"Why is God giving me such a hard time?"
Dear Ayal, I have another question.
I have always been a sensitive, loving spirit. I have taken several trips to hell in my life. Alcoholic parents, a very violent boyfriend, who beat me for no reason, bloodied me (and I loved him!). I don't get it. Why would the universe/God see a beautiful spirit and say "Hmmm, what she needs is a trip to hell"? What was the point of it all? I see much more shallow and self-serving people who have not suffered as I have. On the other hand, I have been forced to go 'very deep' on my journey to understand my life - spending time in monasteries, retreats in forests, etc, because I had all of these questions. So was the universe doing me a favor? Or am I asking the wrong questions? It still does not seem fair to me.
Hi - Well, this belief that life is not being fair, that the universe is punishing you, comes from a misunderstanding. That's victim consciousness. Have you read the Laws of the Universe yet? If not, I invite you to do so. I think that you are on the right track when you say that what you have experienced in your life has led you to dive deeper than perhaps you might have otherwise. God doesn't set up difficult experiences for us. We do that for ourselves. What if you decided to climb Mount Everest, knowing what a challenge it would be? On the climb, you encounter storms, cold, danger, perhaps even dissension in the group of climbers. Did God set that up, or was it your decision to climb the mountain, with all of its challenges, in order to test and develop your strength, your decision making ability, your courage, etc?
It's the same in our lives. We set up certain challenges for us to grow, to become stronger, clearer beings.
In order to think that you are being punished even though you classify and see yourself as a good person - that must come from a belief that no matter what you do, you won't be loved. Does that ring true? That's a core, false belief. With a belief like that, you would create the kind of violent, unloving relationships you are describing, yes? Use the Laws of the Universe, the part that discusses how you change a core belief, to play around with changing this one, if you want to. This is an issue of self respect - your own respect for yourself. Somewhere, underneath the belief and recognition that you are a sensitive, loving being, is a belief that you really aren't and deserve to experience "hell". Where did that come from? Check into that one. That's a 3rd charka issue. Self worth. We can only create being beaten if we believe that we deserve to be, if we are beating up on ourselves in some way. Where are you doing that to yourself? It isn't God doing that to you. It's YOU doing that to you. How come?
Whenever I have the issue up of believing that what I have to say won't be received, or that what I have to share isn't good enough... guess what? No matter what I say or to whom I say it, I'm not heard. People aren't doing it to me - they're just reflecting back to me what I believe. Whatever we believe, the universe just reflects that back to us so we can get a look at what we're choosing to believe - what state of mind we're choosing to live from. It isn't a punishment - it's a help, so we can then choose to change our beliefs and thought patterns if we want to.