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Clearing the Way

"My mother doesn't like me working and husband staying at home"

DEAR AYAL;

MY QUESTION IS, WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT MY MOTHER? SHE ALWAYS PUTS ME DOWN AND UNDERMINES MY WAY OF LIFE. SHE DOESN'T THINK I'M A GOOD MOTHER BECAUSE I'M IN COLLEGE AND WORKING. SHE THINKS I'M A FOOL BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS LAID OFF AND HE'S TAKING CARE OF OUR CHILDREN WHILE I'M IN SCHOOL. SINCE HE RECEIVES UNEMPLOYMENT I DON'T THINK ANYONE HAS A REASON TO COMPLAIN. WE'RE DOING GOOD WITH HIM HOME. SO CAN YOU HELP ME? I AM AT MY WITS END. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.

UPSET

Read the Laws of the Universe, first of all. This isn't about your mother. She is simply a mirror for any belief you still carry around inside of yourself that you don't do it good enough. Right? Do you have that belief going on somewhere? That you aren't good enough? If you do, then someone will criticize you, because that is what you believe yourself. It's never about another person, place, or thing. Life just shows us ourself through other people, our interactions with them, situations, and experiences so we can see what we believe, what our thought forms are, and how we are using our energy. It's all a mirror When you no longer believe that you are not doing it good enough, in any way, conscious or otherwise, you will no longer attract that energy into your life. Everything we experience in our lives is a mirror for what we have going on inside of us.

Our lives and what shows up in them are exactly like the print out of a computer. It can only print out what you type into it, yes? That's the same way it works for us and our lives. Our lives print out what we type into it. Change what you type into yourself, and you change the print out.

Read the Laws. It's all in there.

Blessings, Ayal

DEAR AYAL:
I'M A MOTHER WITH 3 DAUGHTERS OF MY OWN. MY MOTHER DIDN'T RAISE ME, MY GRANDMOTHER DID. I AM MUCH CLOSER TO MY GRANDMOTHER. MY PROBLEM IS THAT MY BIRTH MOTHER IS TRYING TO ACT LIKE SHE'S THE MOTHER OF THE YEAR OR CENTURY. SHE'S ALWAYS PUTTING ME DOWN. SHE THINKS THAT I NEED TO PUT HER NEEDS IN FRONT OF MY KIDS AND MY HUSBAND. NEEDLESS TO SAY MY HUSBAND AND KIDS ARE ALWAYS FIRST WITH ME. RECENTLY; I STARTED GOING TO COLLEGE AND I WORK PART-TIME. I LOVE MY JOB AND MY HOME LIFE. MOM TELLS ME THAT I HAD NO BUSINESS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. ESPECIALLY SINCE MY HUSBAND WAS JUST LAID OFF. WE'RE DOING THE BEST WE CAN WITH OUR FINANCES. THE OTHER THING IS THAT MY MOM WAS NEVER THERE FOR ME GROWING UP BECAUSE SHE GOT REMARRIED TO A MAN WITH 3 KIDS OF HIS OWN AND QUITE FRANKLY, I JUST DIDN'T LIKE HIM. BUT I TRIED TO VISIT THEM DURING VACATION BREAKS AT SCHOOL.

Hi - well, to respond to this part of the message, there seems to be a lot of upset going on toward your mother for not being there for you. When you say that now she's trying to be the mother of the year - it sounds, from what you describe, that her way of trying to be a part of your life is to use control and criticism. At least she seems to want to be a part of your life - that's the good news. The difficulty is in the way she packages it. Love is not based on fear or intimidation, but often people have a misconception that using those methods will somehow keep them safe from attack or criticism themselves, from others. This is, of course, a false belief, a false way to try to be safe that doesn't work - it only alienates and antagonizes people, as that is the energy the person themselves is feeling. Fearful and antagonistic and isolated. How surprised would you be that that is how SHE feels inside, so that is all she can put out? She may herself feel so badly for not being there for you that the only way she knows how to be is to protect herself by relating in this way. If, instead she could speak frankly with you about how she feels about herself, some healing and good feelings could happen. She's obviously not clear enough or feeling safe enough to do that yet.

It sounds as if you have some feelings that you need to express to your mother. Perhaps she is still unable to do this yet in a good way, but you can. I think that it is important to speak your truth to her, in a kind way, and to set whatever boundaries regarding how you are willing to have her relate to you. If you choose not to be criticized by her, then you can say that. If you don't want her telling you how to live your life, that can be shared also. "Mom, I am willing to have a relationship with you and work through difficulties that come up between us, but I do not want you to tell me that the choices I am making are wrong. You are entitled to how you feel and your opinions, but I do not want you to share them with me if they concern thinking I am living my life incorrectly. I have to make my own choices and learn from them as I go. What I would appreciate from you is your love and support. If you can't give that to me, please don't come over when all you can offer is criticism. Thank you."

You have feelings that she abandoned you for another family, and that is important to share also, from the place of "I feel this" not "YOU did this to me" - but instead, "These are MY feelings that I am working with in dealing with how I feel about our relationship." When we take ownership for our own feelings, our own reality (which no one else MAKES us feel - no one can crawl inside of us and make us feel a feeling, can they? They don't have that power - we ourselves CHOOSE to feel that way due to how we perceive what went on, and due to our own filtering system which interprets events a certain way), then we are not blaming another for what we, ourselves, are choosing to feel and experience. If we do blame another, we are putting ourselves in victim mode, and that says that we have no power, that others create what we feel. That isn't true. You have, I'm sure, some real anger and resentment, possibly even hatred toward your mother. Also some fear going on, as it sounds as if you feel somewhat intimidated by her. It's important for you to own your own feelings and then choose to work through them, if that is what you decide to do for your own state of health, well being, and clarity. We always can choose to see what goes on through the eyes of love - that we created situations for a brilliant and purposeful reason, to learn and to grow - or we can choose to believe that others are to blame, and then we live in fear and resentment.

All of this speaks to me about your feelings of being powerless and victimized. If you read the Laws of the Universe, you may come to understand that all of these situations in your life YOU created for a reason. You do have power, and it is always up to each of us how we choose to use that power.... True power is not power over someone - it is the power to be loving and clear, to honor all life. But right now you are not believing that you have that power. How surprised would you be that you created all of these experiences, including a mother who does what she does, in order to learn about having your own power and trusting your own decisions?

I suggested that you speak your truth to your mother, to own your own feelings (understanding that these are your OWN choices to feel as you do at the moment), and to set some boundaries, because doing that is a first step on the road to experiencing your own power and your right to create life as you choose. After that, being able to take full ownership for what we have created is the next step. Then, if you decide to have different ways of believing and feeling, you know that you have the power to create that as well. It's really all up to you.

Blessings, Ayal

AYAL;
I sort of understand what you're saying. See, mom and I are too different. She has told me on numerous occasions that I am the reason that her 1st marriage didn't last. That it was my fault, that she dropped out of school and that I have disappointed her with the choices I have made. I had my 1st child when I was 21, my 2nd at 24, and my last child at 27. I dropped out of college, when I was 23, because I had health problems. The dr's had told me I needed bed rest. Whereas my mother got married at 20, separated at 26. She used to tell me that it would be a miracle if I made it to a year. I've been married almost 8 years. I'm finally trying to make a go with my life and I think I've got a good man to back me up. In fact, I know that I am lucky to have married him. My real problem is that I have always felt like second best to my step sisters and step brothers. She says I left her but they never did. I was a little one when she left so how could I choose? I have to go now, my baby woke up. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. Sincerely:
UPSET

Hi - you are dealing here with a person who cannot take responsibility for her life, in any way, or her choices. That is why she puts that off on you, saying your choices are wrong. When someone can't own their own stuff, they project it, or throw it onto someone else. That is what your mother is doing. To say that a baby left her is, of course, so ridiculous that you have to see how deeply terrified this woman is of facing anything about herself. Her anger is really fear. Her criticism of you is really her own terror that she could never do it good enough, her telling you that you left her is her knowing somewhere deep inside that she left you. Everything she says about you, what you have to realize is that she is saying that about herself, except she can't face that. Consciously.

As a child, or even a young woman, I'm sure that you took much of that on and did believe it was your fault. Little ones love their parents so much anyway, and they don't see themselves for a long time as being separate from their parents, so they think it's all their fault when something goes awry in their parents' life. If their parents are unhappy they think it's their fault. It isn't. We are each responsible for our own lives. It is never anyone else's job to take care of someone else's life and make it right. We each have to have accountability for that ourselves. Just as you cannot create in someone else's dream when they are dreaming - it's totally their dream, from their mind - so, too, no one can create your life for you. We each are responsible for our own lives. For a parent to be so terrified herself to exploit that - to throw the blame onto you, the child, and demand that you carry the burden of her shame and the distress of her life, is really pretty lost, frankly. That's a lot of terror your mom lives in. She'll do anything but face herself - even try to make you take on the shame and guilt she feels about her own life. That makes it pretty hard to have any kind of relationship with someone in that state of mind.

The good news is - things do pass away. Even if it takes your mom 10 lifetimes to get it, she will get it, someday. So, in that sense, you don't have to worry about it. It will change, and that's a given. That's already a done deal, sometime coming up. So - you really don't have to think about it. Just let go of it and trust that it's already being taken care of by the Forces that be. In the meantime, what's important here for YOU to do is to realize 100% that this is HER stuff. Only if you take it on and believe that you are guilty and responsible for her unhappiness will it affect you. The best thing that you can do is, as a friend of mine so aptly put it, put on those imaginary silver sunglasses when she's around, the ones where people see themselves reflected but can't see into you - and let her just see herself reflected when she talks to you. When you don't take on her stuff, but just realize that this is about her, then you don't take it on, and you are protected.

If you do take it on, as I think you have, which is understandable, because as children that's usually all we know to do - if you do take it on, you will spend your life trying to prove to her and to yourself that you really are ok. That's unnecessary and will only bring you pain , anger, and exhaustion. You already ARE ok. Your mom didn't believe that SHE was ok, and she put that burden off onto you to carry. You ARE totally ok, and you don't have to prove ANYTHING to anyone. Least of all yourself. Got that? How surprised would you be if this is what your soul came in to learn this time around, and this experience with your mom being so unable to face herself is the way you are getting the lesson? That's a pretty good, profound story you wrote there for yourself, isn't it, this life? Good job.

Because you did take on her judgments (which again, were really about her, but pushed on you to carry for her), you will in all likelihood need to do some pretty deep emotional release work - you may need, at some point, to have some therapy, which offers great support sessions in a safe environment (something important and great for all of us), or healing sessions, etc., to release the anger and pain you feel. It really is terribly painful when a parent can't face their own stuff, and is so deathly terrified of facing herself that she basically sacrifices her child, emotionally, rather than confront her own issues. That can be a terribly painful thing to deal with. It's an intense distortion, the opposite of what being a mother is all about.

However, what you can learn from this is to see your own strength - to see that you will choose not to do that; to see that you know what happens when someone doesn't face their stuff; to be able to be honest with yourself about your weaknesses as well as your strengths... with yourself and with your children. All of these things you learned from having a mother who showed you what happens when a person doesn't do that. So, in that way, she played an important role in your life (remember, you are the creator and director of your own life - you wrote the script and she agreed to play that part in your play for you). In this way, she's been a great teacher for you. On the soul level, when you can thank her for that, you're well on your way to your own healing with all of this.

I remember when I was a single mom, and my daughter was only 5 or so - I had many short term relationships that didn't go anywhere, and at one point I had a relationship going for a few months and when it ended, one night my little girl was bitterly distressed, crying and weeping and obviously just feeling totally lost. When she finally was coaxed to tell me what was going on, she told me that it was her fault... that if she'd been a better little girl, my relationships would have worked out. I held her and told her that it was not her fault at all... I felt so terrible about this, that I hadn't seen this coming... I was so caught up in my own distress. I learned, later on, to be able to say to my children something to this effect: "Now, mommy is feeling some fear (or anger, or sadness, what have you) right now, and it has nothing to do with you. This is just something mommy is going through, and you are wonderful and perfect, and I love you very much." In this way, I made them feel safe and able to understand and cope with me going through something difficult - my own emotional journey - they were free not to take it on or feel it was their fault, and it allowed them to see someone taking responsibility for their own stuff and working through it in a clear way. Children will always sense anything we feel - we are all completely psychic to one another's energies - so making it clear what is going on in an honest, self responsible way is an incredible tool - a gift to ourselves as well as others.

You have the opportunity to do that this lifetime - to learn a lot about being emotionally clear and self responsible because, I think, that is what you came in to learn. Again, your mother has helped you to see this by playing a difficult role in your life. That too, takes love - it takes love for a soul to agree to play a disagreeable role for us in our lives.

Blessings, Ayal

196. "I'm scared to say no, even when I know it will hurt me"

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