"I find my sexual fantasies hurtful, why do I still have them?"
Ayal, I have been searching for help on the internet for my insecurity. In all of my relationships I have been able to be aroused mostly by picturing the man I was with, with another woman. This has been true with my husband as well, who is a loving wonderful man. But, I don't want these fantasies. They hurt, and I would never want to see my husband with another woman. We have a great marriage, despite my struggle with insecurity. My husband has stood by me, and feels very strongly about faithfulness in a marriage. I have no idea why I have these fantasies, and they rip my heart out. How could it be possible to be aroused by something that hurts so much? I need help!!
Hi - we get turned on usually by what we are addicted to. Every thought produces a matching chemical response in the body, and when we have the same thoughts or issues playing over and over again, that chemical is what the body gets addicted to, or used to. If you have lived with insecurity all of your life, then seeing your husband with another woman as a fantasy would perhaps turn you on as it would spark the insecure feelings you are used to responding to. It would be a similar experience for those who are used to feeling victimized. Their sexual fantasies then would involve feeling powerless, so they might fantasize about being tied up, or raped, or overpowered in some way, because that is what their body is used to running on - like a car running on a certain kind of fuel.
It is also possible that you had some past life experiences where what you are fantasizing about actually happened. In which case, you may equate sexuality with feelings of abandonment, or insecurity. In other words, you equate sexuality as relating to that image. Sexuality would correspond to the image of your man with another woman. We make associations and then we get stuck with those associations. We glom together things that don't belong together, and then we file that away in our computer banks as being reality.
There is a story Deepak Chopra tells in his book Quantum Healing about how in India, they would tie up a baby elephant with a rope it can't break. Then, even when it's a full grown elephant and could easily break that rope, it doesn't even try to, because it's made the association that the rope means being trapped. When we glom together images or make a value assessment about some experience and then make that a reality, we have to go back and separate those glommed together pieces. For instance, if a person is sitting at the dinner table, and an argument develops while they are eating corn, they will glom corn together with arguments, with bad feelings, and become allergic to corn. You have done the same thing with insecurity and sex, or images of your man with another woman as being a turn on. What you may need to do is take some time to sit quietly, and go within. See if you can visualize or sense those two things glommed together, and see yourself separating them. You could even ask the violet flame of transmutation, which the Archangel Zadkiel is in charge of, to come and take the insecure feelings and that picture in your mind away. Releasing unwanted baggage to the violet flame is a great way to neutralize energy.
It would also be important to sit in meditation and ask "What is the origin of these feelings of insecurity for me?" Then, allow an answer to come. Just allow yourself to receive it: to open to it. When you have an understanding of what created this, then use the formula for changing core beliefs in the Laws of the Universe to change the belief that you are not good enough, or whatever shows up for you.
This issue may have to do with how you see men and women - there is a need to re-balance the masculine and feminine energies. Do you not feel good enough because you have a program that says men are better or more entitled than women? It would be important for you to explore this. You are needing to learn to confront others when you feel mistreated or you don't like what is going on and to speak your truth, no matter what. It won't kill you. You will feel amazingly better and you will begin to feel more and more empowered as you do so. You will begin to trust yourself as you stand up for yourself and take better care of yourself. Trusting yourself is a key factor here. The sapphire aura soma pomander for communication would be useful to you to use daily. You can order that at Aura-Soma. I invite you to do so. Aura-soma is a wonderful, gentle, delightful healing therapy.
You are used to just swallowing stuff that doesn't feel good to you - like someone just accepting that they deserve to be beaten. I would do some inner visioning about how you feel about being a woman. Often we carry the genetic memories of being abused as women from generations and generations past. This too, can be cleared as we allow the balance of male and female to become a united whole within ourselves that offers mutual, complimentary support, validation and love. This is a way you can heal the burden of the ancestors - what programs got passed down to you from your ancestors. When we clear something like that up, we release them from it as well.
A good thing to say 3 times a day for 2 weeks is the following:
This belief of not being good enough has made your physical energy low. By speaking your truth and standing up for yourself, you will create a stronger physical body and life force as well. You can realize that you are a full grown elephant, so to speak, and you can easily break that old rope now.