"I feel resistance to opening up, sharing and moving forward"
Your website has been a godsend. Thank you! I remember the day I came across it. I was judging myself and feeling ashamed of of my tendency to blush and get flushed whenever I offered an opinion or a glimpse of the true me to others. I was tired of the blushing and the flushing and holding myself back. I was searching on the internet for clues as to what this was all about and I found you and your website. You had answered someone else's question about blushing and your response was very insightful! Thank you for helping me to gain a deeper awareness of what I was struggling with - feelings of deprivation and fear of exposure and feeling defenseless. You are a blessing and a true source of light! Thank you!!
Okay, that was a long winded introduction :) I find myself writing to you today because I'm feeling stuck and so resistant. I want to change and move through this and I realize I am feeling very afraid and holding myself back. I am a PhD student in psychology. I have worked very hard to get this far and now, for the past several years, I have been idling and refusing to move forward. I have completed all of the research for my dissertation, yet I have such resistance to sitting down and writing it and getting it done. I'm finally in a wonderful, loving and healing relationship and I find myself holding back here as well. When it comes to expressing my deepest feelings and fears, I hold them back. I know that opening up and sharing would deepen our relationship and help me to move forward. Yet, I still feel such resistance.
I could go on and on about all of the places this similar struggle and resistance rears it's head - my weight, my friendships, my career, obtaining financial security. Intellectually I know that I am afraid and that I'm holding myself in place. Intellectually I know what I need to do to change this and the steps I need to take. Why don't I take them??? Why am I giving into my resistance and my fear?? Why am I choosing to numb myself and keep myself on the sidelines and not engage in truly living?
I have been in long-term therapy. I have done an abundant amount of reading and intellectual exploration. I use journal writing, crystals, aromatherapy, Bach flower remedies. But I'm still here - idle, resistant and so afraid of moving forward. Please help me!! I can't do this any longer - maybe that's the first step toward changing things. Any guidance and wisdom you could offer would be deeply and gratefully appreciated!
Thank you for offering your wisdom and your light to the world!!
In light and love
Hi - thanks for the appreciation of the site. I'm glad that you found it useful and that it is accomplishing what it set out to do for you.
Well, when we hold ourselves back, as you mentioned, it is because we are in judgment. We are judging ourselves. It is an issue of not being able to just let ourselves BE. We are always looking for something wrong. We have a belief that there is "wrongness". There isn't wrongness. There are just moments of experience. That's like making one snowflake pattern wrong from all the others.
Instead of taking life as a whole package, the moments that aren't as we think they ought to be become moments we judge and make wrong. Life just IS. Every moment will be different - some comfortable, some uncomfortable. Some angry, some fearful, some happy. We can't get attached to any of them or make any of them better than any other. They are all simply snowflakes falling from the sky. They all melt as soon as they touch you - unless you cling onto one by making it right or wrong. Then you have to carry it around. You get stuck with it. When we do this, we feel bad about ourselves, because during those moments we have stepped out of Love. Instead of seeing life as simply an experience, we have made parts of it wrong. When we do this, we have gone into control, which is fear. When we're in fear, we have separated ourselves off from who we truly are, and that tangles us up... and we can't be who we are, and therefore we can't do anything because it's as if we're not there, or with ourselves, to do it. And then we again feel frustrated and unfulfilled, useless, and bad.
Although we of course want to have the best life we can - the most fulfilling life we can - we must, at the same time, be detached from it, in a non-judgmental way. We live from loving detachment. We allow things to be what they are without judging them. The color yellow is yellow. Do we judge it? No. it's simply an experience. When we live from loving detachment, that does not mean that we withdraw from life or hold ourselves back from anything or anyone. We only do that when we aren't being who we truly are. What it means is that we realize that this moment, any moment, is just an experience we are choosing to have, and when we realize that we aren't wrong, we can be free to go after and enjoy the moment, the essence or energy of that experience. When we judge, we go into wrongness, and then we feel guilty and think we'd better hide ourselves away. We don't have to hide our "wrongness" from anyone or anything. Including ourselves because there is no wrongness. We can believe that there is, but that's simply a belief . Now, we have to be careful with this, because there are actions and beliefs that separate us from who we truly are. When we harm another, we harm ourselves - one of the reasons for incarnating and having life experiences is to learn this and to live in a way that honors the god in all life, including ours. Judging is a way of harming because it denies the God essence of that person or moment. Killing is a way of harming because it says that part of God should not exist. That is still a judgment. It's a very intricate and interesting dance. Learning to balance seeming incongruences.
It's like a dream. When we wake up in the morning, we may have learned from our dream; we may have experienced various intense emotions in our dream, but we know that it's just a dream. Yet, it is there, often, to teach us and lead us into something clearer, to bring us closer to our true Godself. It comes to remind us who we are. At the same time, it will pass away so fast that we won't even remember it. It isn't something we need to make right or wrong, or hang onto, or withdraw from. But we can grow from it. It's the same with our conscious, every day lives. We are here to choose HOW we want to be in our lives so that we feel good about ourselves. What we do doesn't really matter. It's HOW we choose to be that matters.
For instance, if it is important to you, personally, in this life to do volunteer work and go help the starving people in Africa, because that is what YOU decided to do or experience in this life, to grow with, but you hold yourself back from that, that will cause you pain. Not because you aren't doing something you think society or others says you "should" do to be a good person, but because that is what you yourself would feel good doing. It's how you choose to be and what gives you joy. The book Conversations With God speaks about this very clearly. God doesn't care what we do. But it is up to us to choose HOW we want to BE in life. If I choose to sit around the house all day watching TV, and in doing it I am filled with Love and I feel great about life and myself, then that is choosing HOW I want to be in this life, and that's perfect then, for me. Later, if I choose to experience something else, like being a brain surgeon, and I go about it with Love, then that is also choosing How I choose to be in life. If I decide to be a brain surgeon or watch TV all day but how I go about it is with anger and distaste and resentment, that is also choosing HOW I am experiencing life. We all get to choose HOW we want to go about the experience of life, of each moment.
When you go into judgment about yourself, when you decide you're doing it wrong, what you do is then judge life, others, etc., in the same way. You become opinionated, and opinions lead to isolation and separateness. I'm not talking being one of the herd here, and believing what everyone else believes. I'm talking about removing yourself from responding with Love to the moment, whatever may be showing up. You have certain expectations of how things ought to be. Another word we could use is the word prejudice. You have become prejudiced about something. In other words, you have gotten attached or stuck with a belief, something you have allowed to become unmoving and rigid, that something can only be right or good if it's this way. If it doesn't match the rigid picture stuck in your mind, you can't allow yourself to experience the moment for what it is. For example: you believe a sunset ought to be pink and yellow. If it's got purple in it, you deny it and turn away from that sunset. Or: A person ought to weigh this much. If she doesn't, you turn away from who she is in that moment, and you miss it. Who says things have to be a certain way? It's only a stuck mind picture. When things are not that way, you deny that person or moment or experience, or yourself, because it doesn't conform to your prejudice. I.e., you go into resistance to that experience, to what is, to that moment. When we go into resistance, we feel yuck, as you mentioned, because we are not able then to just allow whatever the moment is just to be, to appreciate it for what it is, to let it unfold as it is going to. We cannot experience that moment. That is a small death. Not able to be present in the moment. Then of course, we don't feel "alive' or passionate about anything because we're not allowing ourselves to experience it. To be in love with that moment... in a detached, non-judgmental way. We are not trying to control the moment. We are not trying to change it. We are not threatened by it. We just witness it and experience it. If we are attached to it due to an opinion, we suffer. An unmet expectation is an upset. Then, we can't enjoy it, and we think we're bad for being a resistant, unhappy person who can't relate to what is. Any time we are not loving, we do not feel good.
The best way I know of to feel love is to not have an expectation or a judgment. Instead, simply step back, take a deep breath, ask: "What do I really want to experience right now?" or "HOW do I want to be right now?" or "What do I want to be feeling right now?" or "What do I choose to do in this moment to feel fully in love, in sync, with myself?" or "Can I allow this moment and what I am experiencing to just be ok how it is? Can I be with it without judgment" or "Will I die if this moment is this way instead of that?" etc.
We think that our opinions are reality. They shape how we experience reality, certainly, but we have the power to change what we believe and how we choose to be in any moment. Dreams constantly change. So does our reality and what we believe. It all blows away like mist. It's just energy and thought patterns in motion. That's why the Hindus called this life "maya" or "the illusion". It constantly changes. HOW we respond to each moment is the key. When you have become opinionated, you have gone into separation - into the ego being what you steer your life course with. You make the ego the captain of your ship, and you move into the illusion of right and wrong - and that is never comfortable. We do need that illusion however, to undertake new adventures when we incarnate. That's what the ego is for - to pose certain challenges for us along the way. We do enjoy becoming clearer and clearer, more adept beings who can handle energy and moments adroitly - like becoming a great painter who has learned to be a master at his art. We do learn to value the gift of life and to do no harm, because we learn that we are all connected, and to harm another is to harm oneself. We enjoy the journey of discovering more and more of who we are and creating with Love and mastery and delight. We learn how to be to shine. And that means to be in Love and to respond with Love to each and every experience.
The other day, 2 young high school guys, walked past me and jumped in my face and yelled "Boo!!" really loudly. I got scared and responded with anger. Later I realized that if I had responded with Love, the whole situation would have been a different experience for me. I could have laughed and said "Oh. Hello. Are you wanting to connect with me? Well my name's Ayal. Who are you?" Actually, I was in a funk that day, and they totally jolted me out of it. So, they were my perfect moment. If I had responded to them as God, and remembered that each moment IS the perfect moment, it would have been quite a different experience. As it was, I learned something. So, either way, it wasn't wrong.... unless I judge myself for handling it badly. The "it should have been different" program. Most of us operate out of that every moment. It should have been different. I should be different. What do we have and live with then? Wrongness. That is not in sync with ourselves as God, and we feel that.
Work with the "it should be different" program as a core belief using the Laws of the Universe formula for changing core beliefs. What would you rather believe? And how does THAT feel?