"My daughter-in-law seems to feed off my son's misery"
I have a daughter-in-law who seem to feed off my son's misery. She got pregnant at age 16 so he lived with her. He was miserable as she treats him so badly. Then at age 18 she left him for another man. He was more miserable so she came back to him and he took her back. Then she told my daughter to come from California to Texas and see the baby. When she got here in Texas, she call the cops on her and told them to get her out of the front of her house. When my son asked why, she just laughed and there was no reason for it. My son was more miserable. Then she left him again, and 8 months later came back to ask his forgiveness. He did and she married him on Dec 1, 2002. Then on Dec 15, 2002 she told him she was 3 months pregnant with the another man's baby. Now he is even more miserable, but will not leave her. Yesterday she told him not to let me or my family talk to or see my granddaughter ever again or she will leave him. He told me how sorry
Hi - Although I think your e-mail got cut off, I got the jist of it. This sounds like a very painful situation for you, to see that your son is caught in a relationship where there is so much pain and difficulty. As parents, that can be a very challenging situation. We love our children, and want the best for them. We can see the binds they are caught in, and we want more than anything to help them or make it better, to help them find their way out of pain.
Obviously, this woman is very dysfunctional, and that is affecting him as well as the rest of the family. I believe however, that everyone in our lives is there for a reason which we have agreed to on some level. I believe that we have contracts with other souls before we enter this life, souls who then come into our lives in order to teach us something which we agreed to, or need to learn.
Your son seems to need her in his life for some reason at this time. Until he is able and ready to love himself... until he is ready and able to treat himself well, with clarity, kindness, and compassion, he will attract someone who cannot treat him well either. First he has to be able to do that for himself. Then he will attract someone who also knows how to love. Your son probably has some deep issues going on about self esteem, needing to be loved, and being abandoned. Otherwise, he would not have picked someone who reflects these issues back to him.
He seems, from what you wrote, so anxious to have that love that he doesn't, or can't, yet, stand up for himself or what he knows to be right. He lost his power somewhere along the way, his sense of himself. Until he can love himself, and not need someone else to hold onto so desperately, until he feels good about himself and trusts himself, he will probably not be able to let her go. She may be teaching him this in this painful way - playing that part for him in his life. In the meantime, as difficult as it is for you as the mother, all that you can do is love him, support him by loving him, by not making him or his life experience or his choices, wrong. If you do make him wrong, in any way, that only adds to his lack of belief in himself, right? That can only add to the problem for him and how he feels about himself. I think he may have an issue going on that he can't please you, no matter what he does, as this is what is showing up in his other relationshiop. No matter what he does, no matter how much he loves this woman, or takes her back, she still stomps on him. Then he feels ashamed and has to apologize to you. That's not a healthy way to feel good about oneself. Do you and your son have that dynamic going on, where he can't please you?
Watch how you relate to him, for this is a teaching for you, as well. Do you criticize him and make him wrong, or make him feel ashamed about his choices in life? If there is to be a healing here, your part in this is to heal yourself. Your son and his issues are also a mirror for you. Where in your life do you not love yourself? Where in your life do you go into blaming or shaming? If you heal yourself, then you are a model for your son to follow. When we heal ourselves, that affects everyone and everything around us.
If your son comes to you for advice, then you can give it, lovingly, with compassion and understanding. Read the Laws of the Universe to help you gain clarity with this. Your son has his own journey to make, and what those who love him can do is to be there for him when he needs it, to love him without making him wrong, to give wisdom and compassion when he asks for it. We all come in to this life with a lot to learn. We are here to grow in wisdom and love. Learning what that really means and how to give true love - love that is not based on blame or shame or guilt, is what we came in to do. You have a great opportunity here to do that.
Yes, I have been telling him how stupid he is for letting her lead him by his nose. And your letter has made me think. I will be kind to him and try to help him with love, even if it is kelling me inside. I hope he can see that maybe our love for him in the family will make him feel better about himself.
Hi - I think that you will find that being loving won't feel like it's killing you - quite the opposite. It will fill you and those around you with warmth and joy. Good decision! I'm glad you found my response helpful. Love is always the answer, and all kinds of good things will flow from it.