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"Am I shallow to prefer a partner who is more physically appealing?"

Hello Ayal -

Is it a poor decision to let go of my 9 month relationship with a woman who has many of the relationship qualities I desire but is not what I ultimately prefer physically *for* a relationship with a woman who is more physically appealing and has many of the relationship qualities I desire?

I'm strongly drawn towards a particular "archetypal" body type and I fear that I will cheat on my partner to have the experience. I reason that I have a sound relationship because this person has many really wonderful relationship building qualities and we could build a nice "spiritual" relationship. But, physically, I want someone else, unless my current partner could melt away some inches (which is conceivable - she's not fat, just puffy).

I judge the issue as shallow but, at the same time, my discontent and ambivalence is strong. Just a little clarity would be helpful. Your opinion would be valued. Thanks.


Well, the issue here seems to be that you have a judgment going on about being shallow. When you clear that up, then the decision you make and what you create will not come from that place. Use the formula for changing core beliefs in the Laws of the Universe if you resonate that you do indeed hold that belief or charge about being shallow. Any judgment of any kind comes from fear. If you are afraid of being judged, you will judge others. A fear of being judged really means that YOU are the one judging yourself. Sounds to me that you are dealing with the issue of judging versus being in connection with what is authentic and True - i.e., seeing the true godself of yourself as well as others. Do you judge yourself because you think that you are not how you want or ought to be? Do you think you ought to look or be different? How and in what way do you not accept yourself? If that is so, that is what is really going on - and seeing others as not being "right" or good enough in some way will be the reality you will experience and create. If you are unaware of having these beliefs, you will experience what you believe by seeing others being not what you think they ought to be.

Sounds as if you are looking for that perfect someone who looks just right - but when we do that, what we are really saying is: "I want someone to look that way so I can feel good about myself. If I have them, then I see myself in them and can feel better about myself." In the clearest Truth, there is no "better than." There is just experience. We create the experience we want to have by being that quality within ourselves. Chances are, even if you had the perfect looking partner, you'd still find something wrong if you are still caught in judgment. When you say that you would perhaps need to cheat on your current partner in order to have this other experience, that says to me that you don't trust that you can create what you need. That you'd have to resort to cheating as a way to get it. That's what a little boy would do if he believed that he had no power and had to go behind the authority's back to get what he really wants. So, I'd say a couple of pertinent issues are working here that you may want to play around with changing or look at.

If you really sense that this "puffy" woman is not the one for you, then let go of the relationship in a clean way, with kindness and clarity. But if you are letting go of it because you are judging her as not being how you think she ought to be, then that issue will show up again and again for you, because it is an internal issue you carry around about judging yourself. That's trying to control how another ought to be, rather than seeing the perfection of what is, and control is the same thing as fear. So, what do you fear? Clear that up, and you'll be well on your way.

Blessings, Ayal

next 173. "Why can't I be like other people and just get a job?"

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