"Why am I creating a reality I don't want?"
I just completed your Getting Clear Worksheets and realized many things. I agree 100% in your Laws of the Universe - that I create my own reality.
Why am I creating a reality I don't want? Where am I stuck and why do I keep repeating? What is the emotional payoff or glitch? I seem to go one step forward and two back. I've been working on affirmations, journaling to manifest what I want/need, etc. and getting close but not there. What is going on please? I've been searching for a job for sometime and it is not manifesting or coming to fruition, so maybe I am to go solo and do my own thing. Maybe I'm ignoring God & the Universe out of fear?
Hi - well, what is showing up for you are a number of things. The first is the need to do a shamanic journey. Here's the info on that:
Shamanic Power Animal Journey
Here is the information on finding your power animal. You will need a tape player and a tape of drumming that is especially made for shamanic journeys. This can be ordered from The Foundation for Shamanic Studies. You ought to be able to locate them on the Internet here. the tape ought to be at least an hour long. If it isn't, re-copy it twice onto another tape to make it longer. When it is time to return from your journey, the drumming will speed up, so only have that speeded up part re-copied at the very end of the tape. If it is still light outside when you do this journey, you may want to put a cloth over your eyes to make it darker. Also, some people like to use headsets to listen to the drumming.
Get comfortable in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed for at least 40 minutes. Light a candle, and then do some slow, deep breathing to fully relax. As with doing any sacred ceremony, you may want to set up a protection around yourself and state an intention that only that energy which is your true Spirit of Unconditional Love and Life Force energy be with you and given to you. It would be good also to set up a cocoon of white light around yourself before you begin which puts this in place also. You can ask for guidance and protection from Great Spirit, the Creator, God, etc. That way you are very clear what your intention is and what you will only allow into your space. Lighting white candles is a good idea as they represent light and purity.
When you are fully relaxed, imagine that you are walking along a path that leads to a special place that you have actually seen before, a place that leads into the earth. This can be a cave, a hole in the ground, a hole in a tree, a rock overhang, etc. As you imagine walking along this path, use your imaginary senses to really be there - smell the air, feel the ground underneath your feet, notice the colors and sounds around you, feel the air against your skin. Take it all in. When you get to that place which leads into the earth, which is for you alone and no one else, enter into it, again using all your senses to explore the area for a bit. Feel if the walls are smooth or rough, wet or dry - if the air is cooler, etc.
Then, you will notice that there is a long tunnel leading down into the earth from this entranceway. Follow it down deeper and deeper into the earth. Allow the journey to take you as it will. Release any need to control it. Let happens what happens and just stay present with the experience. While you follow this tunnel deeper into the earth, hold in your mind and heart the intention that this journey is for you to connect to your power animal, your medicine ally. That is what you are there for. Eventually, you will notice that the tunnel ends at another entranceway. This entranceway leads you into the world of the Animal Spirits. This world is consists only of a world of nature. Natural landscapes are everywhere. There are animals everywhere - in the trees, grasses, by the rivers, on the mountains, etc. Notice what it looks like, what the landscape is like where you have arrived into this world. Leave the tunnel and begin to walk out into this world. Again, use all your senses as you explore this world. Notice what time of day or night it is, what's around you, the sounds and colors, the smells, the feeling of the air against your skin, how the earth feels under your feet, etc. Walk in this world taking it all in, holding your intention to meet your medicine ally, until an animal approaches you. When it does, ask it if it is your power animal. If it says yes, you may then journey on with it, learning about it, sharing with it, bonding with it, and asking for any help or guidance or answers you may need. If it says no, it is not your ally, continue walking until you meet the right one.
When it is time to leave this spirit world, ask your power animal for a gift, and give it a gift in return. Ask how you can call upon it when you need to, and ask also if you need to keep what it is and what it shares with you private. When it is time to go, say goodbye, and thank you. Then, return to the tunnel and walk back up out of the passageway until you return to the entrance where you entered into the earth. Walk back along your path, and return to the room where you are visioning from.
Take some time to fully come back into your body, bringing ALL of yourself back, filling up all of your body with yourself, all the way to finger tips and toes and eyelashes. If you choose to, you can write in a journal about what you learned and what guidance you were given. Take some time to integrate this experience. Don't go out into the world too fast or try to do too much afterwards. Drink water, and Remember to blow out the candles!
What you also need to do is some balancing with your masculine and feminine:
The balance of male and female makes us whole. We all have a feminine side and a masculine side to us. In Jungian psychology, it is termed the anima and animus: the male has an inner feminine, while the female has an inner masculine. This makes total sense, as we all come from both the masculine and the feminine - a mother and a father- egg and sperm. Neither is more or less important than the other - they simply offer us different and very necessary parts of our being.
The aspect of the masculine contains (in brief) the more rational, direct, practical, assertive qualities, while the feminine is the creative, intuitive, feeling, visionary part. The feminine also contains the ability to look inward, as the masculine quality is outward directed.
Being introspective is a crucial aspect of who we are. In our society in general, the feminine aspect of our being, (as with women in general), has been labeled "less than." For a man, in some ways, showing feminine qualities, or feelings, as you expressed in mentioning the wall you created around yourself, has even been forbidden. If a man is seen as sensitive and introspective, he is laughed at and labeled a wimp. Therefore it becomes dangerous to show feelings or let others in, as there is a great fear of ridicule and rejection. Why this has come to be is a long story, but the gist of it is, how unbalanced and crazy it is to think that a half of our being is stupid, less than, or something to be demeaned. It is clear as crystal that one without the other doesn't work to create life, whether that means a literal life, a child, or our own creative, balanced, healthy life as an individual.
The old and unbalanced masculine programming that most men were given tells one that when you are introspective you are doing something wrong. Your feminine part that knows you must go inward to be a clear human being. If a man gets very much out of balance by denying his feminine inner self, he will most likely have difficulties in two areas: (1) he will not be able to be in touch with his feelings, and (2) this can lead to difficulties in relationships with others, not to mention oneself. A man, or woman, who denies her feminine, may substitute the lack of warmth that they feel for ambition and live a mostly analytical way of life. Mind over heart, in other words. While the rational certainly has its place and is an extremely important aspect of our being, without heart it becomes hard and cold, perhaps overly ambitious, as it substitutes warmth for ego attainment and accomplishment.
There are many ways to get in touch with whatever part of us has been repressed. One excellent method is to do a visualization where you find some quiet, alone time, put on some gentle, soothing music (instrumental, no voices) and, after becoming quiet and relaxed, and breathing deeply and gently for a few minutes, with eyes closed, you ask to see and speak with your feminine side. Then you Trust whatever shows up for you - whether it be impressions, or information, or thoughts, or a flash of memory or understanding. You can hold a conversation with this part and ask it what it needs, asking how you can help it to be more available to you, or more healthy, etc. You can also do this with your masculine side and, as you work and directly connect with both parts of yourself, you will create a new and healthier, more dynamic balance between them. You can ask them to converse together, to share with one another what is needed also to create a symbiotic and complimentary wholeness between them. What is revealed may prove to be quite interesting.
I would invite you to do this, checking in now and again to continue the growth process. It is a timely issue, as it IS time for all of us to be in and create a harmonious balance between the male and female parts of ourselves, to get beyond the duality of conflict into wholeness, where the whole is greater than the parts. We see this evidenced in the outer world every day as women struggle to be accepted, not be put down or thought of as sexual objects. We see it in the horror of how women are treated in the Arab countries and the ensuing high suicide rate. We see it in the movements that have taken place over the last 20 years to bring greater equality to the sexes, as men also struggle to be in touch with their gentler side. We have become polarized, the male and female struggling against one another, out of touch with one another, with no tools to bridge the gap, and we see this in the high divorce rates. In reality the male/female balance ought to be seen as a oneness, both beautiful, both equal, but different parts of a greater whole.
There is an issue related to a lack of ambition which I invite you to work with as a core belief, using the formula for changing core beliefs in the Laws of the Universe. Check into whether or not you have a fear of failing, which is also a fear of succeeding. Was there a sibling in your family whom you felt you couldn't do as well as? If so, you can also work with that as a core belief. The issue of feeling "destroyed" showed up as well. In what way do you feel, or did you feel, destroyed? Can you be destroyed? What emotion is behind that belief? What do you need to do to release that emotion and change that belief? The fact that you used the expression "One step forward and two steps back" is indicative in a belief that you can't go forward but will always fall further behind. If we watch the phrases we use, it will tell us what beliefs we have going on. Do you really believe that life is a process of one step forward and two steps back? Do you want to continue to believe that? If not, what do you choose to believe?
Your heart chakra needs some attention - the issue of trust showed up as one of the bigger issues you have come in to develop - trusting that your heart has the ability (which it does, as the heart is the portal to the creative force of the universe) to manifest an energy that would meet your needs at any time, is key here. Take any issue and place it into the very center of your heart, and you will be astounded at what happens. You can do this during your shamanic journey. When you place it there, just feel the issue as an energy - you say "Let there be light".
Also, give your 5th chakra some attention - it deals with communicating from Truth (which you find in the heart and then bring it forth in the throat) and assimilating energy. You can read about these chakras in Caroline Myss's book, Anatomy of the Spirit.
Two Aura-Soma products would be good for you. The first is the olive green pomander for courage and leadership. The second is the Sanat Kumara and Lady Venus Kumara quintessence which offers you the energy of "As above, so below" - better than 1 step forward and 2 back, wouldn't you say? - and it brings the divine into the everyday.